Gut Rumbles

January 23, 2005

don't ask me why

Here is a list of 10 wimmen that I have NEVER been drunk enough to want to screw.

#1 Queen Elizabeth I. She might have been one hell of a queen, but she was a skanky-looking thing. Old paintings of her make me think of venereal disease on a toilet seat. And I like red-heads, too.

#2 Elenore Roosevelt. She went beyond coyote ugly into the realm of the hideous.

#3 Hillary Clinton. If I ever porked THAT rotten piece of meat, I'd have to drag myself off and shoot myself. No way could I ever atone for that kind of sin.

#4 Janet Reno. HOLY BEJUS!!! That's not a woman. That's an alien life-form that I'm not even certain is a carbon-based unit. Just suppose---this is strictly fantasy now--- that you DID get drunk enough to pork her and she really LIKED IT and started following you around begging for more. How would you explain that shit to your friends?

#5 Donna Shalala. Sorry. I'm just not into dwarf-sex. Especially not with an ugly dwarf. She and Robert Reich could make beautiful music together. Just leave me out of it.

#6 Pat Schroeder. The skin crawls. Can you imagine her giving you a blow-job with that "I just bit a really sour pickle" expression that she always wore on her face? My Roscoe might shrink like a spider on a hot stove, even with my bionics. She might start crying, too.

#7 Molly Ivans. I couldn't screw anybody THAT fucked-up.

#8 Maxine Waters. You gotta admit that she's got the Trifecta covered here. She is ugly as a gargoyle, dumb as a red brick and thoroughly disgusting as a person. She is a credit to her race... or her "gender"... or a God with a really nasty sense of humor... or idiot voters in Los Angeles. Whatever. I wouldn't do her to get out of jail.

#9 Roseanne Barr. I'd do Rosie O'Donnell first.

#10 Rosie O'Donnell. GAWD! Can you imagine that malignant troll in your bed? I know that she swings from the other side of the plate and frankly, I am delighted that she does. A man would have to be really desperate or money-hungry to jump that obnoxious bag of flesh. But some men would. Just ask Tom Arnold.

Don't ask me why I wrote this post. It just seemed like a good idea at the time.

(And I KNOW that Tom Arnold did Rosanne Barr and NOT Rosie O'Donnell. I was simply using him as an example of a male slut.)


You are such a meanie.

Posted by: Renee on January 23, 2005 12:35 PM

Man, I may be scarred for ife. I think I'm going to lose my breakfast.

Posted by: Brent on January 23, 2005 12:36 PM

tom arnold did roseanne barr, not rosie o donnell.

Posted by: axeman on January 23, 2005 12:55 PM


*skin crawling*

Posted by: jmflynny on January 23, 2005 12:56 PM

Agreed on all counts. A suggestion for #11:

Diane Fienstien (Feinstein? I can never remember... because I don't care.)

She's not as hideous as most of the women on the list, but she's fucked up.

Posted by: Adam Lawson on January 23, 2005 01:21 PM

That's the most gawdawful picture yet, all the above qualify for Burka's.

Posted by: Jack on January 23, 2005 01:26 PM

Yeah. I've met Janet Reno. Hell, I got stuck alone in an elevator with her. Talk about fright.

You might think of bumping her up to number one, since I'm fairly certain 'she's a man, baby.'

Posted by: sadie on January 23, 2005 02:11 PM

no, not feinstein. Barbara Boxer. That is a fucked up fugly woman.

Posted by: caltechgirl on January 23, 2005 02:13 PM

You of course, posting that,that you would have us all subject ourselves to 10 of the worst visuals imaginable

Posted by: Ron on January 23, 2005 02:29 PM

Andrea Dworkin and Helen Thomas are a couple of dick-shrinkers.

Posted by: rightisright on January 23, 2005 03:01 PM

* Rebecca Peters: The spokeshead of the global civilian disarmament movement. I can't seem to find a photo of the bitch online, but there were plenty of them in my latest NRA rag. Yikes.

* Elanor Clift: Like Hillary Clinton without the power endowed by morons in New York.

* That woman on PBS that never wears make-up: I don't even know her name, but it's as though she's going out of her way to be unattractive.

Posted by: D.J. M.B. on January 23, 2005 03:10 PM

The only reason Bill Clinton wanted anything to do with Janet Reno was because her hands shake.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on January 23, 2005 04:29 PM

Rosie O neekid? Coke.Spew.Monitor Dinner is ruined. I'd have to add Sandra Bernhard to the list.

Posted by: Tony on January 23, 2005 05:04 PM

Damn, Rob. You put something up like this and my mind goes all haywire. I just had a mental picture of you and Helen Thomas, heavily coated in Miracle Whip and writhing on a Twister™ game. And then Roscoe grew a little face and started screaming "Noooo! Nooooo!" In replay, Helen Thomas' gaping maw also grows a face with fangs all around like the end of the Sandworms in Dune, and starts snapping at Roscoe, and then....

See what happens when you put together a list like this?

Posted by: Mamamontezz on January 23, 2005 08:23 PM

Actually.... Roseanne didn't look too bad in her last series. Y'know, when she had the long, straight black hair, and running the snack bar. A full, womanly figure. Not unlike Dawn French.

OK - call me a chubby chaser. ;-) ;-) ;-) TTFN.

Posted by: DWMF on January 24, 2005 12:22 PM

I bet quite a few of the readers would in fact do Roseanne, if that would get them the same position Tom is in now.

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