Gut Rumbles

January 21, 2005


Bejus! I HATE going to the dentist. I believe that I would rather have a doctor take off my foot with a chainsaw with NO anasthetic than have a dentist do some of that horrible shit he learned in "Inquisitional Tooth-Torture, 101" his freshman year of med school.

I am convinced that my teeth are too close to that little man in my head who runs this body like a tractor driver. He sits in his air-conditioned cab following his GPS system and he really doesn't give a shit what happens to the wheels or the engine or ANYTHING below him. He just drives.

But let somebody turn a high-speed drill loose in that cab on him, and he gets concerned rapidly. He pisses his pants and whines like a little girl. He can't drive the tractor anymore. IT HURTS!!! He goes from "Macho Man" to "Tender Pussy" in less than 10 seconds. He ends up curled in a fetal position in the chair with the dentist, dazed and confused, sitting on the floor.

Neither one enjoyed that experience. Both suffered nightmares later.

Don't get me wrong. That shit doesn't happen to ME. I was just sayin'... a trip to the dentist can be rough sometimes. For OTHER people. But not for me. I've learned how to park the tractor. I gas that sumbitch in the cab now and knock his whining ass out.

Nitrous Oxide is a wonderful thing.


Sure. We understand. It's your friend.

No shame, Rob.

I once found a dentist by opening the yellow pages and looking for the biggest advertisement containing the words 'We cater to cowards'.

And, even he threatened to gas me just to perform a cleaning.

Posted by: jmflynny on January 21, 2005 08:35 PM

Can I get an A-men on the nitrous?

I love nitrous but I've never had it at the dentist's office.

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on January 21, 2005 09:26 PM

Ralph, you are one sick man!

Posted by: J. Thomas on January 21, 2005 11:47 PM

bwahahahaaaaaa! Man, I am soooo loved by my dentist. Hell, I've literally spent tens of thousands with the guy over the years ( I inherited crappy teeth). They will definately be able to identify me after some firey car wreck from his records. I practically live in his chair. And yep, he gave me what he called "a cocktail" (a combination of novacaine and nitrous) when I had all 4 of my wisdom teeth pulled at what... 35 years?...sigh. It worked pretty damned good too.

Better still, when I was in college, my roommate was in vet school. One of his classmates was already an MD and going for a vet degree (wtf?) and was a cancer researcher at the campus hospital lab. He took us over to his lab late one Saturday night and handed us this funky homemade gas mask looking thingy thta was hooked up to a hose that ran straight to a huge tank of nitrous that he used for gassing lab rats. Needless to say, we all inhaled a shitload of that stuff that night and made all kinds of fun at the expense of those poor rats. No, PETA would not have been pleased, but it was one hell of a fun night anyway.

Nitrous Oxide is your friend, plus it'll make you're car one hell of a lot faster...if it doesn't blow up first lol.

Posted by: marcl on January 22, 2005 10:03 AM

Ralph, that makes two of us, if I were to use it at the dentist I might revert. Great stuff though.

Posted by: Jack on January 22, 2005 12:35 PM
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