Gut Rumbles

January 20, 2005

am I a criminal?

I commit illegal acts all the time. I tear the tags off mattresses and I enter through "exit" doors. I make illegal U-turns on the highway. I speed. I once stuck an M-80 firecracker in a federal mailbox and blew it up. I have indecently exposed myself many times when I needed to piss. I have... well, never mind. You get the picture.

Are you a criminal, too? I suspect that you are, or you wouldn't be reading my blog.

I simply lost a lot of respect for law enforcement people when they became revenue-enhancers instead of policemen. Cops aren't out there to "Protect and to Serve" anymore. They're out there to generate fines and steal money for the city coffers. If you don't believe me, just speed through Oliver, Georgia and see what happens to you. $200 fine, for going ten miles an hour over the speed limit through nothing but cow pastures. That was pure fucking highway robbery, performed by a uniformed cop.

*It's okay to lie and cheat if...It doesn't hurt anyone else.

That depends on who you are lying to and cheating on. I'll do it to the government, but I won't do it to friends.

*...Everyone else is doing it.

Bullshit excuse. YOU are responsible for what you do. Just because "everyone else is doing it" doesn't make it right. Grow some balls and make your own decisions.

*...There's a thrill in taking the risk.

I can't argue with that one. I like to beard the lion sometimes.

*...It's illegal rather than immoral.

"Illegal" means jack-shit to me. I know the difference between right and wrong and I try to live my life that way. We have too many dumbass laws in the country already and we pass more every day. I believe that what the nanny government is doing to this country is "immoral," and I will not cooperate with their goals by becoming a sheeple. When government starts telling me how much water my toilet can flush, we need to take a close look at what's "illegal" anymore.

So. Am I a criminal?


Yea but in a really funny good way.

Posted by: steve on January 20, 2005 12:54 PM

Yes you are a criminal, the worst kind of all, you are a smoker, drinker and you don't like cats. You need to go to jail for a long long time.

Posted by: James Old Guy on January 20, 2005 01:01 PM

Load me a bowl and I'll tell you.

Posted by: DaneBramage on January 20, 2005 01:08 PM

I won't put my criminal acts into print, that's how bad I am...

Posted by: Jay G. on January 20, 2005 01:27 PM

i must be one HELL of a criminal. Every time i get pulled over (10 times in 9 months in 2004...) 6 or 7 cop cars race to the scene. What am i doing? I'm driving with funny hair, #1, i guess. Also, i am not cooking meth... and that's as good a reason as any to pull someone over. the meth cookers are all out free and running around, and i get busted and fined $1000 for a piece of weed that couldn't even have gotten two people stoned. My most recent crime was driving TOO SLOW in a residential neighborhood. You'd think they'd appreciate that, but NOOOOO! I was not going exactly 25 mph, i guess.

Criminy. Talk about lost respect in local law enforcement. Last night i was leaving town to go home and stopped at a store, and two local cops were in the parking lot. So i went over and introduced myself, and told them to go ahead and hassle me right then, rather than later when they'd pull me over on the highway, to save us all some trouble and cold toes.

Posted by: pril on January 20, 2005 01:52 PM

Worst thing I got caught doing, other than what I wrote about a few weeks back and Rob linkied to, was drag-racing in front of a deputy sheriff -- and he let me off with a warning. Ordinary speeding tickets I get, but reckless driving or looking for a head to bust, those I get away with.

I don't understand it either. And no, I'm not gonna tempt fate.

Posted by: McGehee on January 20, 2005 02:28 PM

During my salad days it was not so much, "Why am I not in prison?" as it was, "Why am I not dead?"

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on January 20, 2005 02:44 PM


Been there, done that.

Took on a Camaro in my Buick. Light turned red, I lit up the tires, slid sideways a little, and started off like a rocket... And then I noticed the cop.

Got a 20 minute ass-chewing for that idiotic stunt, no ticket. TO THIS DAY I have no idea why that cop didn't give me a ticket.

Posted by: Jay G. on January 20, 2005 03:36 PM

(Dumbass. I meant when the light turned GREEN, of course...)

[slaps self upside head]

Posted by: Jay G. on January 20, 2005 03:37 PM

.. I'm with James Old Guy... you should be locked up immediately...

Posted by: Eric on January 20, 2005 03:46 PM

One law that you can't argue with is the Law of Unintended Consequences.

F'rinstance: Your stupid nanny-government mandates low-flow toilets. As a result, you end up having to flush twice or even three times to move the occasional Huge-Ass Log down the pipe. So you're not saving water, you're wasting it.

I'll bet your astute readers can think of a bunch of others...

Posted by: Elisson on January 20, 2005 04:23 PM

Sheesh, aren't we ALL? I 'teach' (read babysit) in a DUI school at night ... these 'criminals' are for the most part, regular Joe (orJane) Q. Citizen who blew a .08 after leaving a restaurant/concert/bar/ club/party/WTFever. They are not being rehabilitated or even educated -- they are a goldmine of revenue for the state/county & city, pure & simple. Yeah, a few of them are knuckleheads who pull stunts like picking a fight with a semi going 105 on a motorcycle or passing out in the middle of the highway with the motor running and a BAC of .45 -- and yes, they shouldn't be on the road in that condition, but the rest of us being milked by the government like a bunch of sheep isn't going to deter the hard-cores.
And I personally, violate various governmental regs on a daily basis by giving (gasp) my patients their own (quel horror) lab results without making them go down to medical records and pay $25.00 plus .25 cents /page to have their chart copied -- assuming that MR can even find their most recent stuff to give them anyway! Guess that makes me a criminal too. Fucking sue me already! Oh, I follow HIPPA protocol and if I haven't known them for 15 years I do make them sign the appropriate release forms and copy their ID etc., but if I can save them 25 bucks and a long ass walk and give them exactly what they need NOW -- I'd be a moral criminal, to my mind, if I didn't!
And you're damn straight --- that's a big part of why you're the first blog I read every day! And speaking of things medical -- has anyone suggested running an H. Pylori antibody test on your skinny ass to see if you've got that little critter that causes most ulcers ? Be worth a shot (sic) if they haven't ...

Posted by: Marianne on January 20, 2005 04:37 PM

Don't worry, if you read those mattress tags you will see that it says they cannot be removed except by the consumer. You are the consumer. Tear away.

Posted by: Danielle on January 20, 2005 05:56 PM

When we are all "criminals" then no one is a criminal. That is the problem with excessive laws and absurdly enforced laws. People lose respect for the law and for law enforcement. At some point, enforcement only breeds resentment and the situation becomes ripe for trouble.

I always had respect for law enforcement officers, and mostly I still do give them grudging respect. But a recent event really soured me and I haven't gotten over it yet. Maybe no biggie to some people, but it was an eye-opener to me.

I appoached the school crossing zone like I do every single day, slowing down to just below 15 mph as I passed the speed limit sign. Up ahead I saw a motorcycle cop parked beneath a tree. No problem, right? Once I was past the crosswalk, I began to accelerate back to normal speed.

I looked in the mirror to see Mr. Motorcycle Cop chasing me down. What the heil?

He tells me I was going 25 mph. There' s no way in heil my speedometer is off by that much. We go around and around a few times and finally he has enough and tells me to get lost--lets me off with a "warning".

The hell!

Later I figured he must have clocked me at 25 mph either just before I entered the zone or sometime after I passed the crosswalk. Quota to fill, victim to nab. He probably figured I'd actually show up in court to contest the ticket, and knew it wasn't worth it.


Posted by: Desert Cat on January 20, 2005 07:10 PM

Yeah, Danielle, but Acidman tears off the tags when they're still in the store.

Posted by: Dash on January 20, 2005 10:23 PM

I went through Oliver, Georgia as well and they really stick it to you as far as driving over the limit. The speed limit is very low and the drop into the valley is hard to observe so you are exceeding the limit before you know it. I tried to get out of it since I was going to Iraq but nothing doing, so I have to resolve the problem before it gets worse.

Posted by: anthony on January 24, 2005 05:05 PM
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