December 28, 2004

Cleaning house

My daughter should be arriving in Savannah tomorrow and she just may intend to stay with ME while she's here. That's fine with me--- in fact, I invited her and Stacey to stay here--- but my standards of household hygene are not exactly what two wimmen would appreciate. In fact, the way I keep house would shame a self-respecting pig.

So, I launched into a cleaning frenzy today. I went beserk with Lysol, bleach, SOS pads, Miracle Formula 409, mops, brooms, rags, scrub-brushes and everything but an indoor pressure-washer for about 90 minutes, until I got tired of doing that shit. Then, I stepped back to survey my work.

The Crackerbox still looks like Fido's ass. It looks better than it DID, but that ain't sayin' much.

So, I thunk a thought. If those gals want to Martha Stewart my home, THEY can do it; otherwise, either adapt to the filth or sleep in the bed of my pickup truck at night. It's MY goddam house and I LIKE it all fucked-up.

To borrow a line from a noted philosopher: "If my home does not meet YOUR standards, then LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. Who the hell do you think you are anyway?"

Besides-- Samantha is a fine one to lecture ME now about living in a pig sty after the way she once kept HER room. I have pictures to prove it, too. That child once made ME appear anal-retentive. Damned slob.

So, she and Stacey are welcome to stay, but they'd better not bitch at me about my pet spider in the bathroom or the fact that the toilet paper sits on the edge of the sink instead of hanging neatly from the roller. And I don't want to hear a word about those clothes piled up in the laundry room. They're clean; they just haven't been "put away" for a month or so.

What they don't like, they are welcome to change. I'll get out of their way and allow them to clean until they drop (which they WILL, if they take on my home as a project). Heh. This could actually be a good thing for me. I'll take 'em shooting, feed and water 'em, give 'em a warm bed with clean sheets to sleep on, and all I ask in return is... SHUT UP AND CLEAN MY GODDAM HOUSE!!!

Sounds like a fair deal to me.