Gut Rumbles

December 23, 2004


Who in the hell, other than a farooking YANKEE, would want one of these?


For the ultimate in luxury and safety, General Motors is proud to introduce the 2005 Cadillac New Jersey. While this stellar example of the finest in American engineering has been designed to keep you safe and comfortable in traffic jams that can last for hours, the Cadillac New Jersey is also capable of unleashing its 450 horses at a secondís notice, whether on the highway, or wherever you may be when a quick getaway is a must. This beauty comes standard with a 100 watt, 12 speaker, multi-disc stereo system, which has been specially wired and calibrated to flawlessly receive a dedicated satellite feed that plays nothing but Sinatra, Dean Martin, Al Martino, and Gerry Vale, 24/7.
In addition, the Cadillac New Jersey boasts important safety features such as bulletproof windows and doors and an optional armored undercarriage. Other options include: a multi-band police scanner, pasta bar, easy access gun ports, and a hermetically sealed, steam cleanable trunk to prevent unwanted odors from entering the passenger compartment.

The Cadillac New JerseyÖ..Itís a great freakiní cah.

You couldn't GIVE one of those pieces of shit away down South, unless it was to a New Jersey snowbird headed for Florida. Here is the kind of vehicle WE prefer:

The Jawja Red-Necked Yee-Hah

"This ain't no CAR, people... it's a TRUCK, pre-dented and mud-stained so you don't have to worry about getting any dust on that show-room finish, like them yankee pussies do. Standard equipment includes a set of oversized tires and a hand-made dog-box in the bed, complete with two dogs, Buck and General Lee, and them's good dogs. They don't eat much and almost never howl at the moon.

"The trailer hitch is free. It once was chrome, until Wicked Wanda got her lips wrapped around it at Junior's birthday party last year, but you'll just have to accept the hitch the way it is, because Wanda is capable of amazing things when she gets a few margaritas in her. If you don't believe ME, ask Dwane, that shit-ass she's living with now. That bastard's been walking as if he had a bad case of the piles ever since he met her.

"Just look under the hood. How 'bout THAT? See? It comes with jumper cables permanently attached on one end. And looky here! That's genuine, double-rectified, blue-colored window-washing fluid in that plastic thingy there. You don't see much of that around here.

"Just crank her up. Oh, YEAH!!! Hear that? Well, of COURSE you don't hear that because she's a little contrary when you first try to get her running, kinda like a woman--- know what I mean? But smell that cloud of black smoke. Now THAT is burning oil. Damn! Makes me think of NASCAR races and one of my ex-wives. Ole Shirley was sumpin,' I'll tell you that...

"If you buy this fine vehicle now--- and don't worry about your credit--- I can cut you a deal even if the repo man is hauling off your single-wide as we speak--- I'll throw in this Confederate flag license plate and a pair of fuzzy dice to hang from your rear-view mirror, just as soon as we glue that sucker back on.

"Y'all wanna talk turkey or think about it for a minute? But I'll tell you right now: if you snooze, you lose on this baby. Ain't but one like it, and you're looking at it. If you don't jump right now, that old frog ain't gonna land on a lily pad."

Need a vehicle? Need one BAD??? Buy a Jawja Red-Neck YEE-HAH! today. They don't make 'em like that anymore.

I can write this satire because I am a Southerner. I OWN a truck a lot like that. No yankee can get away with the same thing.


I think you've described my truck, except for the missing floorboard and lack of brakes.

Posted by: Dave on December 23, 2004 05:59 PM

We Yankees have a word for trucks like that. We call 'em scrap metal.

Posted by: Jim - PRS on December 23, 2004 06:02 PM

I drive a Yee-Hah, but it's got a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is a Cadillac New Joisey".

Posted by: Queenie on December 23, 2004 06:30 PM

Too funny! You had me going that they were really coming out with one!

Posted by: jeffinna on December 23, 2004 07:17 PM

You forgot the "killer close":

TELL me, what do I have to DO? I need YOU to tell me what I have to do to put you in this fine vehicle this afternoon!

Posted by: Ernie G on December 23, 2004 10:17 PM

Only 450 horses? Bore-ing.

Besides, no self respecting motorist would drive a car named after New Freaking Jersey. The very term implies that you can't drive to begin with.

As for "southern trucks", well, you can keep those too. I like shiny paint, superchargers and thousand watt audio systems in mine.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on December 23, 2004 10:33 PM

I actually had a Cadillac that was in the same condition as the truck you describe, Rob.

NOBODY fucked with that car. It was 85 feet long, had a V8 motor, lots of rust and dents, and could punt small Japanese cars off into the woods without chipping the chrome on the bumper...

Now, if it could only have run for more than 10 miles at a time without something breaking...

Posted by: Jay G on December 24, 2004 12:03 AM

How much you askin? For the truck... that is.

Posted by: RedNeck on December 24, 2004 03:37 AM

Rob, I expected better than that from a true southerner. Every redneck knows black smoke means your running rich. BLUE smoke is oil.

And gimme my truck back.

Posted by: Good ol' Boy on December 27, 2004 02:45 PM
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