December 23, 2004
we are idiots
Here's a true definition of Political Correctness: "Everyone must behave by the standards of the most neurotic, fucked-up, deranged, overly-sensitive, whining, grievance-bearing, asshole-acting dickwit within 1,000 miles--- no, make that 10,000 miles, just to be on the safe side."
this is what got me fired up.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph long ago got the heave-ho from the schoolhouse, but the great secular trinity of Santa, Rudolph and Frosty aren't faring much better. Frosty The Snowman and Jingle Bells are offensive to those of a non-Frosty or non-jingly persuasion: they're code for traditional notions of Christmas. The basic rule of thumb is: anything you enjoy singing will probably get you sued. At my little girl's school, the holiday concert is a mélange of multicultural dirges that are parcelled out entirely randomly: she seems to have got stuck with the H's - last year she wound up with a Hannukah song, this year she's landed some Hispanic thing; next year, no doubt, a traditional Hutu disembowelling chant. It would be offensive to inflict Deck the Halls or God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen on any hypothetical Hutu in attendance, but it's not offensive to inflict hot Hutu hits on bewildered moppets.
Below is NOT an actual news story, but it could be, and probably WILL be soon:
Pleasantville, Mass.-- Every student in Virginia Robinson's third grade class was suspended indefinitely today for violating the "zero tolerance" policy at Mt. Silicone Elementary School. The incident occurred when Sissy Markhall brought her pet cat to school for "show and tell" and the cat proceded to defecate in the organic garden-plot the class grows to promote environmental awareness and to Save The Earth.
Several students shouted, "EEEWWWWW!!! CAT-POO!!!" Ms. Robinson could not discern who uttered the offensive words, so she expelled her entire class. "Cat-Poo" is on the list of forbidden words NO third grader is allowed to say.
"Cat-Poo" made the list after Crazy Mattie Tailor sued the city when she was asked to get rid of some of the 150 cats that live with her in her single-wide mobile home. Neighbors complained about a stench, and Tailor countered by saying that she was deeply offended. "It smells like roses to me, and these cats are like my children." Stench also is a forbidden word now.
After a successful lawsuit, where Tailor was awarded $2.5 million for her pain and suffering, "cat-poo," "stench," "bitch," "single-wide mobile home" and "crazy" were put on the school's banned word list. Violation of this policy carries a punishment of immediate expulsion.
Principal Harvey Pittman explained the incident to reporters. "This is the United States of America. Every child needs to learn early in life that we just don't use certain words here. Freedom of speech does not mean you have the right to yell "cat-poo" in a crowded classroom."
The ACLU, which was instrumental in sponsoring the original suit by Tailor, applauded the decision as "a victory for civil rights."
Don't mock me. I'm not far from the truth here.
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