Gut Rumbles
 

December 16, 2004

a rant

I'll apologize beforehand. I've met the woman and I like her. We sang "Please Come To Boston" together and harmonized, before she got drunk on moonshine and started runnin' nekkid up and down the creek in Helen, Georgia. That started a stampede and I was embarrassed by all those ugly blogger asses shining in the moonlight....

...but I digress, again...

If this is a chili recipe I'LL run nekkid down that creek in Helen on the coldest day you can find in January. WHITE BEANS???!!!??? Ohmygod!! CHICKEN???!!!???

I gotta go fire a gun off my back porch and just HOPE that I hit something. The world ain't right tonight.

Darlin,' that's the most yankeefied chili recipe that I ever read. In MY humble opinion, you should be dragged off and shot, NOT for making a shitty meal, because I believe that it probably tastes pretty good, but for CALLING it "chili."

*Real chili has no beans in it.

*Real chili is so spicy that it will melt your spoon.

*You can eat real chili with a fork. The fork will melt, too.

* Real chili has BEEF, not chicken in it.

* A bowl of cold chili should still make you sweat. A bowl of cold chili should TASTE GOOD, too.

* You experience real chili twice--- and if you don't know what I mean, you never ate any real chili.

Sorry, Mamma, but you need to try some REAL chili. You think that moonshine was something? I'll have you dancing nekkid on my ROOF if after a couple of bowls of my MY all-day, big-pot concotion.

I make some bad-ass chili.


Comments

What makes you think it's hard to make Mama Montezz dance naked on a roof?

Posted by: Steve H. on December 16, 2004 11:09 PM

My chili:

In a cast iron skillet: Fry up a 1/2 pound of ground chuck and a 1/2 pound of hot &spicy Jimmy Dean sausage. Add a few dashes of chili powder, salt and pepper while frying. Drain grease, cover and put meat in the fridge.

3 big cans of chopped tomatoes
1 small can of tomato sauce
1/2 can of beer instead of water
1 pound of fresh mushrooms chopped fine
1 giant Vidalia onion chopped fine
Shitloads of chili powder
6 tablespoons of Franks Louisiana hot sauce
a big dash of salt and pepper

cook everything but the meat on low all day long in a crock pot.

Add the meat to the crockpot for the last hour of cooking.

allow to cool for a few hours and put it in the fridge overnight. Pull it out that afternoon and reheat.

cook up some thin spaghetti noodles.

pour hot chili over the noodles and top off with a dash of cheddar cheese and sour cream.

You will be eating the best tasting chili on the planet.

Posted by: Brent on December 16, 2004 11:27 PM

Steve, it IS hard. It's difficult to find a ladder stout enough... and she's afraid of heights.

Rob, I agree with you. What she discribed was NOT chilli.

MamaM is a GREAT cook but sometimes she steps over the line, calling some dish something it's not.

You gotta remember that around here the best commercial "chilli" is served over spaghetti, not nearly hot enough, and contains beans. (I add a Vietnamese hot chilli sauce affectionately called Napalm to add heat, three drops to a gallon of chilli is enough to melt the spoon.)

I'd shoot her myself, but then I'd have to do all the cooking, and I don't think even I am up to a steady diet of ramen noodles, Campbell's soup, and fried eggs.

Posted by: delftsman3 on December 16, 2004 11:42 PM

Okay, you cute little runt. I happened to acquire this recipe in your state, lovely Georgia, on one of my trips south many years ago. And the damned restaurant called it white chilli.

So call it something else and try it anyway. I have to make it kinda mild because of my gastric surgery 6 yrs ago. I just can't take the heat any more.

And Steve, I don't dance naked on the roof any more. I had to give it up when the rafters started to sag. I reserve those dances for grand pianos and tabletops now.

Posted by: Mamamontezz on December 16, 2004 11:47 PM

And I didn't run nekid by the creek in the moonlight in Helen. I had on a thong.

Posted by: Mamamontezz on December 16, 2004 11:48 PM

I don't do chili, for that last reason that you listed. I prefer my ass to stay in tact.

Posted by: girl on December 16, 2004 11:48 PM

Yankeetized? Bullshit. Here's some authentic Yankee chili that'll tear your colon apart.

Posted by: Gordon the Magnificent on December 17, 2004 12:01 AM

You boys and girls need to come to Texas if you want to find out what chili is all about.

Posted by: Dash on December 17, 2004 12:24 AM

Never heard of chicken before, beef, pork, de
er, moose, buffalo and gator, but no chicken., sorry.

Posted by: Catfish on December 17, 2004 01:25 AM

Here in Texas, chili is damned near its own religion. And I can tell you, serving that to someone here and calling it chili might get you shot.

On the other hand, at least there wasn't any corn in the recipe.

And Acidman's rules about melting the fork and spoon apply here as well. But in addition, you have to be careful not to drop a firearm in our chili, because not only will it melt the gun, there's a good chance the bullets will fire as well.

Posted by: Evilwhiteguy on December 17, 2004 02:11 AM

Ground beef?

Nah, I don't know 'bout Yankees or those in the South, or where ever, but out West you make chili with chunks of beef. Or deer, elk, bear . . . red meat.

Hell even when my grandad had no teeth he'd spit out chili made with ground beef.

Posted by: Daniel on December 17, 2004 04:56 AM

Tomatoes? People still suspected tomatoes were poison when chili was invented...

Beans? Beans are cooked on the side and added when served.

Meat? Has to come from a creature with HAIR on it, like a cow or an deer or an elk. And it's chopped, not ground... cut up in little pieces.

Spaghetti sauce is made with ground meat and tomatoes. a lot of folks can't tell the difference from their spaghetti sauce and their chili recipe...

Posted by: mostly cajun on December 17, 2004 08:12 AM

There are few things that are rarely discussed without the mention of guns, beatings and question about ones parents. Here is my list.
1, Chili
2. Hunting Dogs
3. General Lee
4. Sweet Tea.

Posted by: James Old Guy on December 17, 2004 11:17 AM

You guys gotta remember that most people are used to eating canned chili. Most people haven't had anything else. Mostly Cajun is right about most people not being able to tell their spaghetti sauces from their chili. Even my aged mother when I was growing up would divide the basic sauce to chili on night and spaghetti the next. The chili was good to eat, but it's not what would be considered chili. You'd have to add some hot sauce to it to spice it up. As for spaghetti with chili on it, well I'm never going to put that in my mouth. Besides I hear that they put cinnamon or something in that version.
Yuck!!!

Posted by: Ray on December 17, 2004 11:28 AM

Hey, my chili has (kidney) beans in it. It also has beef, beef, beef, and some beef for flavor. And, it's hot enough to melt the spoon, fork, bowl, and frigging stove, then continue on down to make a healthy dent in the foundation.

I'll put it up against any non-bean chili any day of the week.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on December 17, 2004 01:54 PM

I, Yankee (well, if that can apply to someone who's never lived east of the Rockies) that I am, actually like beans in my chili.

But they need to be pinto or kidney beans. White beans are for ham and bean soup, or Frenchmen. (Who make a might good soup, I must admit.)

On the other hand, I agree that both chicken and corn are ungodly abominations in chili.

Posted by: Sigivald on December 17, 2004 01:56 PM

I thought it was called "home made wine"

Posted by: Ron on December 17, 2004 02:03 PM

Wellll.... maybe if you did it with black beans, okra, and a couple of jackrabbits. But it still wouldn't be chili. ;]

It'd be jackrabbit gumbo. ;}

Posted by: Ironbear on December 24, 2004 05:18 AM
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