Gut Rumbles

December 11, 2004

the garden of eden

I've studied the story of Adam and Eve for a long time, and I have reached two profound conclusions. First, God was an idiot parent. You don't EVER plant one special tree in your garden and make a big deal about the kids keeping their hands offa it. When you do THAT, you draw attention to the tree and kids want to know why it's so special. They forget about every other tree in the garden and think about that one all the time.

Second, the story demonstrates the essential difference between men and wimmen in this world. If I planted that tree in MY garden, I could convince my boy to leave it alone by threatening to grind his ass to hamburger and feed it to the dogs if he touched it. He might LOOK at the tree and wonder, but he would leave it alone.

My daughter, on the other hand, would ignore my threats, wait until she thought no one was watching and go fuck with the tree. That's what wimmen do. You want a woman to do something you don't want her to do? Just tell her NOT to do it.

Like a cat, she simply HAS to do it after you asked her not to, just to spite you. (Besides, you're probably up to no good with that tree and she wants to find out what evil you are plotting by being even more evil herself.) She won't DEFY you and go check out the tree right under your nose. No... that's too direct.

She'll be SNEAKY about it. Wimmen are naturally sneaky people. If you don't believe me, just leave something in a suit pocket and see if she doesn't find it, even if you haven't worn the suit in five years.

So, God tells Adam and Eve to leave that special tree alone, and Adam is okay with that dictate. He's off drinking beer, watching football and farting blissfully. He could give a shit about that tree. As long as he has something to eat, something to drink and a piece of ass every now and then, he's happy.

But not Eve. Once God declared that one tree off-limits, Eve never saw anything else in the garden. Just THINKING about that tree put her in a hormonal uproar, and she suspected all sorts of evil, mean, nasty things about it. She beagn to hyperventilate and develop the vapors. The more she thought about it, the more certain she became. After some serious hyperventilation and vapors, combined with soap-opera plot-knitting, the TRUE FACTS became clear to her, as they would to any sane, logical mind.

God is up to no good, Adam is part of the plan and I'm going to CATCH HIM in the act. She could "feel" it.

Therefore, it makes perfect sense to me that Eve would listen to the snake and break God's command. She had a head full of snakes herself.

Some people might say, after the shit hit the fan, "I was WRONG!" But NOT Eve. If Adam had been around more and understood her problems and cuddled her warmly at night and not farted in his sleep and watched more episodes of "All My Children," none of this shit would have happened.

IT'S HIS goddam fault!!!

There is the story of Genesis, as translated by Acidman.


I hope there's a lightning rod on your Crackerbox! ;-)

Posted by: Indigo on December 11, 2004 03:18 PM

I do agree with one thing: It's ALL Adam's fault.

I'll buy that.


Posted by: Christina on December 11, 2004 06:53 PM

Sadly, pillars of salt can't post on their blogs

Posted by: Chase on December 11, 2004 08:08 PM

Heh heh heh...ah thinks ya got it pretty durn close. ;)

Posted by: Desert Cat on December 12, 2004 01:41 AM

When God created Adam he looked down and said 'I can do better than this'; then he created Eve. I've always believed it was Adam's fault; thanks for making it clear!

Posted by: Michele on December 12, 2004 08:16 AM

I KNEW it was his fault! I KNEW it!

Posted by: Chablis on December 12, 2004 08:27 AM

Dammit, Acidman!
You have nailed it!

Posted by: Henry Blowfly on December 12, 2004 08:53 AM

There is a reason that the ancient female God, Medusa, had snakes coming out her head.

They've all got snakes in their head. Every one of them. Don't try to understand it. Just deal with it. It's okay to love them, to live with them, just understand they have snakes in their head.

Posted by: Dennis on December 12, 2004 09:05 AM

Adam's fault My Ass! The snake talked to the bitch, the bitch picked the apple. Case closed!

Posted by: Ivan Ivanovich on December 12, 2004 09:27 AM

First God made Man.
Then Woe - Man.

By the way. There were two forbidden trees in the garden. First there was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. That's the one Eve picked the fruit of and caused all of the trouble. And then there was the tree of life. The fruit of that tree would enable man to live forever and become like God.

It was the presence of this tree that caused God to kick them out and post the Cherubim with the flaming sword at the gate.

Posted by: Roy on December 12, 2004 06:05 PM

If you stereotype based on the firsts, then all men are pussies when put in a position to stand up for what is right.

You covered half the story, frosted half the cake...

You know I won that debate. ;-)

Posted by: Key on December 12, 2004 08:55 PM

It is said God offered Adam the perfect companion, in return for an arm and a leg.

Adam replied: "What can I get for a rib?"

Posted by: Brett on December 13, 2004 09:50 AM

So what's wrong with wanting to better herself? Knowledge is a good thing. If God wanted humans to be ignorant, why did he give us big brains?

Posted by: shell on December 13, 2004 02:28 PM

If God wanted wimmen to be smart, why did he give them big tits?

Posted by: Acidman on December 13, 2004 11:57 PM

To nurse infants with.
I would have wrung that snake's neck and cooked it for dinner. Also would have left the tree alone.

Posted by: Aquila on December 15, 2004 02:34 AM

I seem to recollect that Eve wasn't created until AFTER God told Adam to keep his mitts off the Tree of Knowledge - so one could argue that the directive didn't apply to her. You'll notice that the big smackdown didn't happen until after Adam bit. I believe God is fast enough to have intervened between Eve's initial munchie and her offer to the rib-deficient one, had HE wished to.

Posted by: Roxanne on December 16, 2004 09:54 AM
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