Gut Rumbles
 

December 05, 2004

crusty old bastard

I have lived more than half a century. I believe that my senority gives me certain privileges that I enjoy exercising. Here are a few.

* I don't drink bottled water. The best water I ever tasted came from an artesian well, through a rusty pipe in a ditch by the Bartlett Junior High School football field. I drank gallons of that stuff, and it was GREAT!

* I've never had a cup of Starbuck's coffee. Don't want one, either.

* Diet Coke tastes like chalk-filled shit to me. I won't drink it and I don't like those pretentious pansies who do. I don't want ANYTHING "diet," "sodium-free" or "low-carb."

* I've never watched an episode of "CSI" or "The West Wing." I probably never will. I don't watch much TV.

* I'd have to get some serious booze in me before I found Julia Roberts attractive. Pretty Woman? Give me a break. I've seen rag dolls that were better looking.

* If Brad Pitt is a heart-throb, then most wimmen are closet lesbians. He's more feminine than Julia Roberts is.

* I don't brake for animals, especially not squirrels, cats or armadillos. I've left my share of road-kill along the highway as a result, but I don't care. The stupid bastards should have stayed out of the road. Besides... buzzards need to eat, too.

* I won't buy ANYTHING with an "organic" label on it. What a brain-fart idea "organic" farming is. Check out a rice patty in China that's floating knee-deep in shit. THAT'S organic farming.

* I believe that "You Are My Sunshine" is a beautiful song. I love to play it on my autoharp, and the harmonies can be great. So simple, yet so RIGHT! A commenter on this blog also told me that "The Yellow Rose of Texas" was written about a mixed-blood prostitute in some cowtown whorehouse. Yeah... a high yellow woman. That information gave me a whole new appreciation of the song.

* I think the "designated hitter" should be banned from baseball. Having the pitcher hit is a vital part of the game.

* When I played football, I would have taken steriods if I knew what they were and how to get them back then. I wanted to gain weight and become stronger. Anybody surprised by athletes who DO take performance-enhancing drugs never played ball.

* I don't believe that there IS a "woman of my dreams" out there, and I've stopped looking for her. Previous searches have been very disheartening and very expensive. I could rent one hell of a string of whores for the money my two ex-wives squeezed from me. And I'm STILL paying that bill.

* Cigarettes are filthy, smelly, unhealthy and deadly. I love 'em. I'll smoke until the day I die, if I get that chance. I just wish the anti-smoking Gestapo would be honest about what they're doing. Stop "blowing smoke" about the deadly effects of second-hand smoke and just ADMIT that you don't like cigarettes because... YOU DON'T LIKE SMOKE, PERIOD!!! Then pass your stupid laws.

* I dreamed that I played basketball with Michael Jordan last night. I was proud, and I remember thinking in the locker room after the game, when Mike shook my hand, "I have played with THE VERY BEST, and I didn't embarrass myself." I regretted waking up from that one.

* When I start dreaming about Michael Jackson, someone drag me off and shoot me.

Comments

Good post, you can always get the truth at Gut Rumbles. That is why we have been friends for over 26 years, we think a lot a like. Cat.

Posted by: Catfish on December 5, 2004 01:28 PM

"Diet Coke tastes like chalk-filled shit to me. I won't drink it and I don't like those pretentious pansies who do. I don't want ANYTHING "diet," "sodium-free" or "low-carb""

* I'd have to get some serious booze in me before I found Julia Roberts attractive. Pretty Woman? Give me a break. I've seen rag dolls that were better looking.

Damn straight. It took you fifty years to learn those? I knew those things when I was sixteen.
* If Brad Pitt is a heart-throb, then most wimmen are closet lesbians. He's more feminine than Julia Roberts is.

Posted by: Chris on December 5, 2004 06:03 PM

"Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est"
In Latin, sort of... The Designated Hitter Rule Has Got To Go!!

As for the Yellow Rose of Texas, one legend has it that a mulatto servant girl, Emily Morgan, was "entertaining" General Santa Anna in his tent while the Texan army was taking up their positions on the field at San Jacinto. Her distraction was sufficient to keep Santa Anna's mind elsewhere, and helped the Texans rout the Mexican Army.

Posted by: El Capitan on December 5, 2004 06:03 PM

Okay, that came out messed up.

Posted by: Chris on December 5, 2004 06:03 PM

And the Texans ate his chicken and to this day I believe that Santa Anna's artificial leg is on display at a Texan museum.

Posted by: Chris on December 5, 2004 06:04 PM

>>A commenter on this blog also told me >>that "The Yellow Rose of Texas" was >>written about a mixed-blood prostitute in >>some cowtown whorehouse. Yeah... a >>high yellow woman. That information gave >>me a whole new appreciation of the song.

That MIGHT have been me, Rob. The Yellow Rose of Texas" has quite a colorful (no pun intended) history behind it, and the 50's version by Mitch Miller "cleaned up" the original lyrics a bit, which went: "She's the
sweetest rose of color, this darky ever knew" ("knew" being in the Biblical
sense, I'm sure)....while the "yellow rose" alludes to the old Southern vernacular for a
mulatto...a "yeller" or "high yeller".

From what I read, the whole basis for the song grew up around a light skinned free black girl named Emily West who was taken by the Mexican Army in the early stages of the Texas Revolution. The legend
has it that, just prior to the Battle of San Jacinto, she knew in advance of
the plans of the Texian army to attack, and deliberately kept Santa Anna
(who apparently was quite a ladies man) occupied in the sack!

Of course, latter day, true scholarly research pretty much confirms that the whole thing was
nothing more THAN a legend, but you know what they say when legend comes up
against truth. ~L~

In any event, later, the tune became a favorite marching song of the Confederate
Army, and new lyrics were contantly being written. One, after Gen. John
Bell Hood's disasterous defeat at Nashville, as the shattered Army of
Tennessee retreated back into Georgia, went:

And now I'm going southward, for my heart is full of woe
I'm going back to Georgia, to find my Uncle Joe (referring to Joseph
Johnston who had been replaced by Hood)
You may talk about your Beauregard and sing of General Lee
But the gallant Hood of Texas, played hell in Tennesee!

Anyway, back to the original subject, I kinda like the idea one Texas wag
had for erecting a monument to the original Yellow Rose gal on the grounds
of the San Jacinto battlefield. He suggested it be inscribed: "In Honor of Emily Who
Gave Her All for Texas Piece by Piece." :-)

Posted by: Randy (TexasReb) on December 5, 2004 06:08 PM

"You are my Sunshine" was the song my mom sang to me when I was potty training. to this day, it still makes me have to pee.

Posted by: girl on December 5, 2004 06:10 PM

Acidman may put up a good front, but we all know he watches Dawson's Creek.

Posted by: Gordon the Magnificent on December 6, 2004 01:47 AM

I bet Pacy is his favorite.

Posted by: girl on December 6, 2004 07:04 AM

There is a very good reason to brake for armadillos: the stench of armadillo guts baking into the underside of your car.

*shudder*

Posted by: shell on December 6, 2004 11:20 AM

Finally someone who agrees with me about Julia Roberts.
.

Posted by: Starhawk on December 6, 2004 10:40 PM
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