Gut Rumbles

December 03, 2004

health concerns

I have a friend who hasn't cut his toenails in years. His feet resemble Fido's ass. But he drinks bottled water because it's healthy. He smokes five packs of cheap cigarettes every day, but he drinks bottled water, because it's healthy. He won't wipe his own ass, but he drinks bottled water because it's healthy.

He whines about being "disabled" all the time. His back hurts, his legs hurt and he has funny feelings in his chest. He lives on a diet of Big Macs and McDonald's cheeseburgers, but he drinks bottled water because its healthy. His idea of exercise is to lay on the couch all day, but he drinks bottled water because its healthy.

He's also started calling carbonated beverages "soda," which NO self-respecting Southerner ever does.

It's that goddam bottled water erasing his brain.


My snooty sister-in-law, that lives in Nashville, can't allow her family to drink tap water. Last I was at her house she had the rig with the big bottle and the cooler and everything. Being the nosey bastard that I am, I checked out the fine print on the bottle label: "source Little Rock Municipal Water Works."

I damned near choked myself trying to stifle the laughter that was starting to boil up in my stomach. That damned water came from MY tap 350 miles asway!

That was some years ago. Now here kids are all teenagers and their teeth are rotting out. Something about them not getting flouride when they were young...

Posted by: greg on December 3, 2004 01:01 PM

Damn, shoot that nasty ass person. I didn't know you knew Michael Moore.

Posted by: James Old Guy on December 3, 2004 01:52 PM

The funniest thing, and what you should tell him, is that a lot of bottled water is literally just municipal tap water. Sometimes it gets run through a filter before bottling.

Posted by: Sigivald on December 3, 2004 02:04 PM

I refuse to drink bottled water on a regular basis because it doesn't have any damned fluoride in it. Of course, this Florida water tastes like it came out of the skunk ape's ass, but I don't care. The best-tasting water comes out of a garden hose, because it is the most needed and appreciated.

Posted by: Velociman on December 3, 2004 03:18 PM

Soda, my ass.

It's a coke. It's only a matter of what kind of coke it is.

Posted by: jmflynny on December 3, 2004 07:06 PM

Now, honestly fellas, the whole bottled water thing is just conspicuous consumption. Nobody wants to be seen walking around chugging water out of an old plastic milk jug. I've got no problem with people drinking bottled water the same way I've got no problem with them wearing Nikes or driving BMWs.

Calling coke 'soda', on the other hand, is just queer.

Posted by: Rube on December 3, 2004 08:43 PM

I grew up in a small town in Ohio where well water was the only option. When I was about 10 years old, a whole lot of kids the next township over got leukemia from a contaminant they found in the wells. I was healthy and strong as an ox my whole life, and got a mysterious nerve degeneration disease at 29.

I'll never drink tap water again.

Posted by: GORDON on December 3, 2004 09:37 PM

Didn't somebody run a double-blind taste test a few years back which included all of the expensive designer waters? IIRC, they included various tap waters from around the country, and the big winner was Memphis, Tennessee municipal tap water. Atlanta, GA tap water was always pretty yummy, I thought, though I do pity the folks who live downstream from Atl. The Chattahoochee is DEFINITELY a deeper, darker brown color south of Atlanta.

Posted by: Justthisguy on December 4, 2004 12:17 AM

I got so tickled at this post I actually "snorted" while giggling..haha. The toenails..please say you're exaggerating cause this poor bastard must have a whole bunch of "holey socks" and cheap thanks I'll quit first, they hurt my throat so watch your friend outlive all of us..haha..

Posted by: sandy on December 4, 2004 08:20 AM

If you're talking Perrier or Evian or that nonsense, yes, it IS conspicuous consumption. I buy bottled water on gallon jugs at the supermarket. I then refill them for 20 cents out of a reverse-osmosis filter machine around the corner. Why? Because I drink a LOT of water, and the water here in Camarillo is awful stuff. To me, 20 cents a gallon is a cheap luxury. I'd not have dreamed of having bottled water when I lived in another town where the tap water was really good.

Posted by: the friendly grizzly on December 4, 2004 09:58 AM

I don't drink water unless it's been infused with coffee beans, mixed with carbonation, coloring, and caffeine to make pop (yeah, I'm a Yankee), or brewed with barley, hops, and malt.

Posted by: Graumagus on December 4, 2004 12:13 PM

I have a friend, Dr. Brobson Lutz, who was head of New Orleans public health until he got the mayor mad at him. He loves to debunk medical scare stories, and wrote a long article in a local mag disproving the widely believed notion that N.O. tap water is deadly stuff. He also pointed out that in taste tests, the bottled water folks often cheat by serving the bottled sample chilled and the tap water at room temperature. Take the same water and serve one sample chilled, and people will always say the chilled one tastes better.

He was doing one of his regular local news TV appearances once when there had just been another scare article in the paper about the health risks of raw oysters. He was asked how he'd reacted to the article. He said, "I went to the Acme Oyster House and ordered two dozen." You'd like him.

Posted by: Steve Teeter on December 4, 2004 03:41 PM

Tell me you're not ragging on Recondo!

Posted by: Key on December 4, 2004 06:18 PM
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