November 17, 2004

loss of package

I know this feeling and it ain't pleasant. I'm not talking about a satirical, tongue-in-cheek play on words, either. I'm talking about a REAL, PERMANENT loss of package.

A dead dick ain't no fun. I suffered from that affliction for 19 months after prostate surgery. I had experiences such as this during that time, where I was actually desperate enough for a piece of ass that I shot myself in the wanger with a hypodermic needle to achieve an erection. Bejus! Those were terrible times.

I can't stand that fucking Viagra commercial where "Wild Thing" sprouts the blue horns from his head while looking at some Victoria's Secret shit in a store window and leering at his girlfriend. I want to kill that bastard. I want to kill his goddam slut girlfriend, too.

I want to BE "Wild Thing" again. I always was, and I didn't like that part of my life being taken away from me.

I have a $38,000 bionic package now, and it works just fine. Oh, it's ever-ready and it'll get the job done, but it just ain't like what I once had. I always LIKED my dick before it died. I still DREAM about the old Roscoe. He and I were a team for many years, and I miss him today. This "tool" I have functions (dry-fire and all), but it just ain't like it once was.

And I have to watch all these got-dam commercials about some prick taking a pill and making his lady see stars again, like that penis-enhanced "Bob" with the frozen smile on his face to reflect his "woody." I'd drown that grinning sumbitch in his swimming pool if I had the chance, or beat him to death with a sand wedge if I met him on the golf course. And I wouldn't fuck his slut of a wife on a dare, even if I were piss-ass drunk at the time.

Even the WIMMEN are doing those commercials. Have you seen the one with the sexy bitch on the floating dock at the lake? You know, the one where she's sitting there with a lasting case of pussy-tingles and talking dreamily about the glories of Cialis? Bejus! I just keep waiting for the camera to zoom in on the wet spot on the dock when she stands up. Slut. I WANT HER!!!

Bah! Ignore me. I'm just having a flashback to my Dick-Depression from years past. And unlike the song, it isn't as if I didn't know what I had before it was gone. I KNEW and I damn sure missed it.

I still do.