Gut Rumbles

November 13, 2004


I don't blog much on Saturdays anymore. Readership always goes way down on the weekends and I prefer watching football this time of year anyway. Today will be no exception, because my beloved Georgia Bulldogs play that vile bunch of Alabama cow-fuckers from Auburn on national television, and I WILL be watching that game. Blogging will be light.

So, rather than write anything original, I give you this, via my friend, catfish.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked
loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned
around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a
word... he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts. My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old
son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before
she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any....a true
story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to
have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's
that 8 inches you promised me last night? " Not only did HE have to leave
the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good? Pass it on to someone you know who needs a

There. At least I posted something today.


"Readership always goes way down on the weekends...."

i'm here, huckleberry....

Posted by: mr. helpful on November 13, 2004 10:55 AM

Catfish rocks, of course.

Posted by: Velociman on November 13, 2004 11:14 AM

HA. that last one is great. I always love it when the news anchors screw up.

Posted by: girl on November 13, 2004 01:55 PM

I was in a health food store awhile back and a bit hungry. The gal behind the counter was very attarctive with a granola fired glow.

I'm flirting, chatting cleverly. She's smiling. "So, what would you like?" she asks.

I'm thinking and looking at the offerings posted behind her. Hmmm...smoothies...sprout pizza. Organic pizza...that sounds tolerable.

Having finalized my decision, I blurt, "I'd like to have some of your organic pussy."

Her smile disappears and I'm transported to some new dimension where my brain and mouth are floating separately, beyond my control, about ten feet away. Anyway, I did get some pizza out of the deal.

Posted by: Drew on November 13, 2004 04:03 PM

My worst moment came about 16 years ago. One Saturday morning,out of camp,I go along to the local Yamaha shop to see about getting my bike serviced.I've got my 5y.o. son and the dog of course tags along in the truck. It's a nice spring day,so the shops doors are open.I'm looking at some bikes when my dog(a beautiful black lab-german shorthair X) comes wandering in. I,of course,tell her in a loud voice" Get your BLACK ass back in the truck". No problem,right? Except of course for the black guy AND his son over in the other corner where I didn't notice them. ARRGHHH !! Words cannot truly express how small I wished I could have become at that moment.

Posted by: big al on November 14, 2004 03:04 AM

Thanks for a great laugh - started my Sunday off perfectly!

Posted by: The Gray Monk on November 14, 2004 04:06 AM
Post a comment

*Note: If you are commenting on an older entry, your
comment will not appear until it has been approved.
Do not resubmit it.