November 02, 2004

deep breath

Here is an interesting article about voting for President. I don't know whether I believe his central thesis or not.

I see three kinds of people when I vote. First are the die-hard Democrats or Republicans who vote a straight party ticket every time. They don't stay in the booth long. Click one lever, pull the handle and the voting is done.

Second are the informed voters who don't intend to vote a straight ticket. You can recognize them by the sample ballots they usually have in their hands. These people listened to the candidates, decided who to vote for, and then used a sample ballot to prepare. They don't stay in the booth long, either.

Third are the ones who should be dragged off and shot. These people haven't listened to a damn thing during the campaigns, haven't glanced at a sample ballot and they don't have a fucking CLUE who they intend to vote for until they step into the booth. They can damn sure clog a voting line.

They drive me crazy. They'll be in that booth for 30 freaking minutes, going "eenie, meenie, minie, moe" over everything on the board. They sometimes stand there so long that I start to believe that they died standing up. Bejus help us if referendums are on the ballot. These idiots will read every one of them for the first time in the voting booth, and onlt THEN try to make up their minds.

I think we should set up voting the way grocery store checkout lines operate. We need a couple of express lanes, you know... one of those "10 items or less" registers for people who want to shit and get in a hurry. Let all the cluless dingbats stand in line with their ilk.

I really don't see many "deep breath" voters. But I DID like this:

Then there is Teresa.

Mrs. Heinz has been completely invisible to the public for the last ten days or so, for good reason. She is an utter embarrassment to her husband’s campaign, and as First Lady she would be both a source of amusement to the nation and the world – God’s gift to comedians and talk radio hosts – and a walking disaster for America’s ability to command respect in the world. Her Botox-paralyzed facial muscles lend her visage a slightly scary aspect, even when she has not been indulging in gin-fortified white raisins “to cure arthritis.” Her perverse pride in her own intelligence, perceptiveness, and ability to be “opinionated” ensures that unladylike suggestions that her antagonists “shove it” and are “idiots” will continue to flow our way for four…long…years.

Yeah, you're gonna need a deep breath after picturing Teresa as First Lady.