October 19, 2004

getting all worked up

I woke up with TWO ear-worms this morning. I had "Billy, Don't Be A Hero" and "Reason To Believe" BOTH running around my brain. Bejus! I didn't know which song to sing in the shower this morning, so I tried to run them both off by singing show tunes.

Yeah. I laid "Oklahoma" on them and I followed with "They Call the Wind Mariah." That plan didn't work. As soon as I got out of the shower, the ear-worms attacked again. If "Billy, Don't Be a Hero" isn't one of the most suck-ass songs ever written... well, I don't know a suck-ass song when I hear it.

I can understand having "Reason to Believe" stuck in my head. I believed that I would be in court today, until my lawyer called about the postponement. That was great news, because I really didn't want to go. I'm tired of being fucked by a system that operates like a got-dam meat-grinder. I am the meat, too.

"If I listen long enough to you
I'll find a way to believe that it's all true
Knowing--- that you lied, straight-faced
While I cried
Still, I look to find a reason to believe"

I once loved my ex-wife more than I loved anyone else in the world. Hell-- I didn't just LOVE her, I WORSHIPPED her. I thought she was everything I wanted in a partner, a lover and a friend. I was mistaken.

I learned to recognize enemies a long time ago, and I know how to dodge or defend against their attacks. I see them coming and I take counter-measures, or I launch counter-attacks. That stuff was easy to do.

But I've never known ANY pain so awful, so exquisite and so DEEP than being betrayed by someone I trusted. "Et tu, Brute?" I know full and well what that line means now. I've lived it.

"Someone like YOU
Makes it hard to live
With anyone else
Someone like YOU
Makes it easy to give
Never thinking of myself"

I am happy that I don't have to go to court today. I don't know how I managed to fall in love with the wrong woman, but I did. I don't understand why she treated me the way she did, but she did. That crap is all blood under the bridge now. I went there, I did that, and I am paying the price for my mistakes.

And... Bejus help me... a part of me still loves her today.

"If I gave you time to change my mind
I'd find a way to leave the past behind
Knowing--- that you lied, straight-faced
While I cried---
Still, I look to find a reason to believe"

That one is NOT a good worm for my ear.