Gut Rumbles

October 03, 2004


The Atlanta Falcons remain undefeated and my beloved Georgia Bulldogs made Lee Courso and a few other prognosicaters eat shit on Saturday. I won a case of Shiner Bock beer. Heh. Lee said that Georgia didn't deserve to be ranked #3 in the country and he predicted an LSU victory. He was off only by the wrong team and damn near 30 points.

Can I have his job? I know a LOT about football.

I know how to deliver a long snap, and I did it back in the days before they outlawed having some crazy, rabid fucker lined up head-on in front of you, whose assignment was to BUST YOUR ASS as soon as you snapped the ball. Look at the picture of John Kerry below. He ain't ready for that kind of hit, and he doesn't know how to snap a football. He looks more like he meant to scratch his balls but missed. Dickweed.

There IS a right way and a wrong way to throw a football. I worked with both Quinton and Jack on technique-- kids tend to want to throw sidearm-- to teach them to throw overhand and use their shoulders, square their hips and throw by STEPPING INTO IT. They both can throw the hell out of a football now. Yeah. I taught them that.

I taught them to tackle by using more than their arms. I ALSO did horriffic things, such as telling both boys, as they lay writhing in the grass with tear-producing injuries, to get up, shut up and rub some dirt on it. They didn't have anything wrong with them. I told 'em. "If you can't take a lick, get off the field and buy yourself a Barbie doll. Go play with the girls. Football is SUPPOSED to hurt."

Those boys not only became remarkably healthy all of a sudden--- they got ANGRY, too. Oh, YES! Football is meant to be played angry. It ain't a game for pussies.

I taught them to catch. I taught them to kick and punt. I enjoyed doing that stuff with the boys and once we started a show in the yard, their friends always showed up to play along.

I went out to check my mail yesterday and I saw Steven and Justin throwing a football in the yard a few houses down. Justin dropped one that was right in his hands and I heard Steven yell "BUTTERFINGERS!!! IF YOU CAN TOUCH IT, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CATCH IT!!!"

I wonder where he learned that from? Sounds like something I said, many a time in the front yard.

In another life, I was a football coach.


" the days before they outlawed having some crazy, rabid fucker lined up head-on in front of you, whose assignment was to BUST YOUR ASS as soon as you snapped the ball."


Since when has the nose guard or blitzing MLB been forbidden to flatten the center as soon as he makes a twitch?

Posted by: rightisright on October 3, 2004 09:47 PM

Wow. You were an abusive football coach. What a surprise.


Posted by: Cranston Snord on October 3, 2004 11:05 PM

"Abusive?" You never played football, did you Cranston? Fucking pussy.

Posted by: Acidman on October 4, 2004 06:48 AM

Hell yeah, we kicked ass. (My ears are still ringing from the noise of the crowd.)

I told you if they had the kinks out of their passing game, we'd be set.

I hope that team shows up next week. It would suck as to lose to Tenn. after Auburn crushed 'em.

Posted by: Key on October 4, 2004 12:49 PM

One thing kids need to learn, not just for sports, is that you can get hurt, pick yourself up, and continue. No, I wouldn't take a kid with a broken bone and push them back into something; neither would I whine and moan over them and thus get them worked up and worse off.

"Yeah, it hurts some. Sometimes that's the cost of doing business" needs to be taught. I can't remember who, some actor preparing for a movie involving boxing, said that there's something liberating (may not be the exact words) in knowing that you can get hit, and keep going. Exactly.

Posted by: Mark on October 4, 2004 04:19 PM

I couldn't play football, but I played soccer and field hockey - and the best coaches I had taught me the same way. Hell, I remember one soccer practice, I broke my best friends nose, and she ended up cracking one of my ribs and they had to MAKE us sit down.

My mama taught me the same way you learned - only the tough survive. Simple as that.

Posted by: Tammi on October 4, 2004 04:44 PM
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