Gut Rumbles
 

September 24, 2004

being left-handed

I've heard a lot of people say that left-handed people are more creative than righties. I know why. THEY HAVE TO BE. The entire got-dam world is set up for right-handed people and if you're one of those screwed up individuals who USES THE WRONG HAND all the time, you deserve to suffer. Get with the fucking program or get creative.

My roommate in college was semi-left-handed. I believe that his inner self was TOTALLY left-handed, but he worked long and hard to deny that fact. He wrote with his right hand. (He still does.) He dealt cards like a right-handed dealer. He played guitar right-handed. He used sissors right-handed.

But he threw a ball left-handed, batted left-handed and played golf left-handed. Was HE fucked-up, or what? No wonder he became a successful lawyer.

When Samantha, my daughter, was a baby, she showed a disturbing tendency to use her left hand for things that her right hand should have been doing. I am a mean and domineering father. I MADE her use her right hand until I TRAINED HER to be right-handed, and I did it for her own good. The world is full of Mean Streets for the left-handed.

I've got no sympathy for left-handed people. Unless you're going to be a pitcher in Major League Baseball, or a Professional Bowler, being left-handed is a handicap. Something's not right about you. In ancient times, communities with any sense took left-handed babies and threw them into a live volcano or abandoned them to die nekkid on the side of a mountain in the winter snow. That was a good idea. It cleared the gene pool of some terribly recessive shit.

But a few slipped through the cracks and they are alive and well today. I fear left-handed people. If they've hung around this long, we'll NEVER get rid of them now.

Before long, they'll declare themselves a Protected Minority and start suing the hell out of right-handed people for reparations.

Comments

Long time reader, first time commenter...(and a Yankee, too)

Damn! Having been left-handed for all of my 58 plus years, I gotta say in NEVER occurred to me to declare myself a minority, and obtain protected status. You may have just started the ball rolling.

Reparations sure does have a fine sound now, doesn''t it?

Rick

Posted by: Rick on September 24, 2004 11:30 AM

My wife is left-handed, and the best thing about it is dining at restaurants. We can sit right next to each other and literally eat off of the same plate. My preference is sitting side by side anyways because my hearing is shot from too much loud music in my younger days - I can barely hear her if she sits across the table from me. She gets a kick out of watching other people stare at us - I'm a pasty white dude, and she's a dark skinned Negro.

I agree with you though, Rob. Left-handed people are wired slightly differently in the brain.

Posted by: Chet on September 24, 2004 12:21 PM

Damnit Rob! That's a fine idea. I've been wondering for sometime how I can get in on this "I am a victim" gravy train that many minorities are on. I have a call in to my lawyer right now...I think I will start my first lawsuit with you to give it a test run. Thanks.

Left handed Individual

Posted by: m2 on September 24, 2004 12:34 PM

The worst is manual can openers. Just try using one of those damn things left handed. And for the record, I mean the side ones, not the fancy top opening ones.

Posted by: ivory on September 24, 2004 12:40 PM

I had to point this out:
Left-handed people are the only ones in their right minds :)

Posted by: caltechgirl on September 24, 2004 01:10 PM

Mean streets for the left-handed? Please tell me that some of your satire that's going over my right-brained head. I ought come to GA and slap you upside your gray head for making your daughter use her right-hand. The school tried that on me, until my great-aunt found out and raised hell.

I think I'll use my left-hook when I clock you.

Posted by: Juliette on September 24, 2004 01:31 PM

Okay, now I've had my coffee and have read Kim's post.

But I'm still gonna clock ya ;-)

Posted by: Juliette on September 24, 2004 01:50 PM

When did we stop burning left-handed people alive?

And do they still make "negroes"?

Posted by: Steve H. on September 24, 2004 02:58 PM

I write with my left hand but that's about it. Scissors, guitars, baseball bats, computer mouse, guns...all of it is done right handed. And my penmanship is beautiful. I've bred 2 left handed babies and I dare you to try to toss them into a live volcano...I'll rip your right arm off and beat ya with it ;-)

Posted by: Chablis on September 24, 2004 03:51 PM

Sure am glad I bought that left-handed .38. See you at the blogfest, old man. And we'll see who gets thrown off the cliff.

Posted by: Velociman on September 24, 2004 03:58 PM

Now just hold on a minute there Bubba Louie!

As the ever gracious CALTECHGIRL and awesome Juliette stated, we lefties are indeed in our right minds. And as my mother oft times said..lefties on average, excel at most every thing they do...because they have to!

But you should really be looking out for those of us who are able to (a greater or lesser extent) use either hand. I can skin damn near any critter out there with either hand long as the knife is sharp.
An important point to remember for those biased righties who think lefties should be on the genetic short bus.

Posted by: Guy S. on September 24, 2004 04:45 PM

Thank you for teaching me to be right handed. Though I have nothing aginst the left handed, I myself and proud to be right handed. Makes life much easier.

Posted by: Sam on September 24, 2004 05:17 PM

Velociman, you'll miss with a left-handed .38. I tried one of those once. Looks just like a regular .38, except it's fucked up, like left-handers. Most left-handers can't find their ass with both hands.

Juilette, borrow Kim's bullwhip before you clock me. I just might like it if you laid a few stripes on my Cracker ASS.

Sam, I didn't make that stuff up about me training you to be right-handed. Yes, dear. I did not want you to be left-handed if I could help it.

Posted by: Acidman on September 24, 2004 06:00 PM

Hey, Sam! No fair! Family bias! You could have swung with us lefties if he hadn't deformed you into righthandedness. We have our own handshake and everything.

Posted by: Velociman on September 24, 2004 06:23 PM

Ok, I stated some of this at Velociworld, but I eat left handed, write left handed(except when typing, then I'm ambedextrious... uh most of the time) and I wipe right handed. I guess there's just some things that don't require the attention and professionality it takes to do them left handed. So there you have it, I'm an unprofessional wiper with the skidmarks to prove it.

Posted by: BryanH on September 24, 2004 11:45 PM

They did a study many years ago, and determined that the reflexes of a left-handed girl are slightly slower than the reflexes of a rightie. You guys out there should appreciate lefties for that, if for no other reason.

Posted by: Denise on September 25, 2004 02:28 AM

For some reason I got tossed into the same boat as Chablis. I write and eat lefty but everything else is right(y). What's funny is people even bother with shit like this. Who cares that every time I write a long letter my hand smeers the ink (or graphite). It sucks but who the fuck cares. BTW - my right nut is bigger than my left - coincidence???? I think not.

Posted by: Gasman on September 26, 2004 01:25 AM

Why on earth would you force a lefty to write right-handed? There are a lot worse things one can be, you know.
And the "public health nurse" that they trotted out when I was a new mother recommended this, too. My daughter's "lefty-ness" was apparent even as a baby. Just one more reason I didn't want "the man" keeping tabs on us. Respectfully, a rightie

Posted by: coastygirl on September 26, 2004 10:26 AM

i think that left handed people are handicapped in every sense of the word.&so are right handed people as a matter of fact!if everyone in this freakin world were ambidextrous this whole world would be alot better world for all involved.michael voisinet,michigan city in.

Posted by: michael voisinet on October 20, 2004 01:48 AM

I AM A LEFTY AND PROUD OF IT! AND THE BEST PART ABOUT IT IS I CAN BITCH SLAP YA WITH EITHER HAND. AS YOU KNOW UNLIKE RIGHTIES, LEFTIES ARE QUITE CAPABLE OF USING BOTH HANDS

Posted by: SUSIE Q on January 26, 2005 05:15 PM

My beautiful daughter is 11 weeks now and she is showing to be ambidextrous and will conquer nations and bring kingdoms to their knees

Posted by: Tony-o on January 30, 2005 09:24 AM

HEY SUSIE Q:YOU SAY THAT YOU CAN SLAP ME WITH EITHER HAND WELL WE WILL JUST SEE ABOUT THAT!WHERE I COME FROM MEN ARE A HELL OF ALOT STRONGER&A HELL OF ALOT FASTER THAT WOMEN ARE.IF YOU SLAP ME I WILL BLOCK EVERYONE OF YOUR DAMN HITS.I KNOW KARATE&I KNOW HOW TO BLOCK PUNCHES TOO.SO YOU JUST TRY IT ONCE LADY&YOU WILL BE KNOCKED ON YOUR ASS SO FAST THAT YOU WONT EVEN KNOW WHAT HIT YOU.

Posted by: michael on March 11, 2005 04:05 PM

ya, im a leftie but i do everything else right handed, im retarded i no but i luv being a leftie cuz im special. my sis says that i wuz a rightie when i was little but my aunt said how much cooler lefties were so i switched. and id slap anyone who makes their kid be a righty when they are a leftie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Maddie on April 10, 2005 08:14 PM

i'M-A-LEFTY-AND-I-DONT-THINK-THAT-LEFTIES-FACE-ANY-PROB-WHATSOEVER...ITS-JUST-A-WRONG-IDEA.....CONCEIVED-BY-RIGHTIES

Posted by: DEBJANEE on May 4, 2005 06:18 AM

i'M-A-LEFTY-AND-I-DONT-THINK-THAT-LEFTIES-FACE-ANY-PROB-WHATSOEVER...ITS-JUST-A-WRONG-IDEA.....CONCEIVED-BY-RIGHTIES

Posted by: DEBJANEE on May 4, 2005 06:19 AM

Who the hell do you think u are im 15 years old and i only right with my left hand and every thing else with my right hand. My grandmother told my parents to force me to write with my right hand, which is prejudiuce, you have got no right and i feel sorry for your daught because she has a father who didn't except her for who she was. Sam i feel sorry for you my parents and friends think that its cool to be left handed and they envie me for it, even my school mates do. I only know a few people who are left handed, like my two best friends, and there is absulutly nothing wrong with us, i mean im already published, im an amazing writer and im very smart, and along with being left handed i also have sea glass green coloured eyes with gold circeling the pupil, and if that doesnt make me more wierd than i dont care, you cant just go around saying shit like that about lefties, its not right, oh and by the way i FATHER encouraged me to be different and to be left handed, unlike some people who try to change their child becuase your not pleased with the child that YOU helped create so mabye its your resesive geans that made your duaghter lefthanded in the first place, think about that you JACK ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope i changed some of your opinion on lefties and also Albert Anstine was a leftie just so you know, and im pritty intelectual for my age dont you think, but hey i guess you cant expect much from a leftie, by the way that was sarcasim! sorry about the spelling. byebye

Posted by: Love being a leftie! on February 3, 2007 10:57 PM

You're just jealous and insecure because us Lefties are more attractive to women.

Posted by: Alpha Lefty on March 20, 2007 08:37 AM

your the person who needs to be thrown aside into a hot side of lava you FUCKING PRICK!!!!!!

they were mistaken back in the old days for the left handers as disgusting shit eating fucks like u! but i wish u well cuz i am nothing like u.......i'm a lefty. AND I HAVE A HEART!

Posted by: dave on February 21, 2008 12:40 AM

What a prick.

Posted by: Polly on March 31, 2008 10:47 AM

I get that this post is a joke and everything but I'd still like to say I like being a left hander.

It's not actually something I've thought about since I was 5 and had to use those tricky right handed sissors in kindergarten but I was just researching it today and it turns out lefties tend to have higher salaries, have above average intelligence and 4 of the 5 last presidents we have had were lefties. Obama is too.

Posted by: Ashley on May 23, 2008 09:56 AM

Did you know that you have actually made learning development much difficult, and hindered that for your daughter because of forcing her to switch from her dominant hand?

There is evidence THAT sort treatment handicaps the child's learning and if you don't believe me, go google it because you sure seem quite educated about such matters.

I can not believe the irony and hypcrisy I am hearing. Yes i accidently stumbled across your post but i really feel for your daughter.
If you had allowed her to use her strong hand and carried on being ignorant I wouldn't care so much because at least you're not hurting anyone.

Posted by: Utterly disapointed on November 7, 2008 05:38 PM
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