Gut Rumbles

September 13, 2004

dark confessions

I am about to bare my soul to whoever reads this blog. For as far back as I can remember in my life, I have experienced sexual fantasies about wimmen I saw on TV. Some of them weren't even SUPPOSED to be sexy, but they were to me. Here are my top 10:

#1. Elizabeth Montgomery as "Samantha" on Bewitched.

#2. Amanda Blake as "Kitty" on Gunsmoke.

#3. BOTH of those chicks on "Three's Company." AT ONCE.

#4. Barbara Eden as "Genie."

#5. Patty Duke, back in her "identical cousins" days.


#7. Donna Douglas as "Ellie May" on The Beverly Hillbillies. I kissed her once.

#8. Lucille Ball. I'd be a liar if I didn't say Lucy looked like a hot-blooded redhead in her younger days. Yeah... I'll just BET that she and Ricky slept in separate beds.

#9. Miss Nancy on "Romper Room" when I was a LITTLE boy. See how rotten I am? I wanted to jump through that Magic Mirror and grab a handfull of titty when I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD!!!

#10. Emma Peel from "The Avengers." (That was Diana Riggs, right?) Any man MY age who says he never fantasized about peeling Emma is either a got-dam liar or a faggot. Ow, man---that skin-tight black leather! That ass! Those legs!!!!

Excuse me. I need to go take a shower.


Morticia Addams? You sick bastard lol

Posted by: Chablis on September 13, 2004 08:38 PM

Am I a sick bastard for wanting to do the Flying Nun? (Sally Fields)

I also wanted to do Goldie Hawn (Laugh In)

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on September 13, 2004 08:47 PM


SHE wore the nipple clamps, I am told.

Posted by: Velociman on September 13, 2004 09:23 PM

Marilyn on The Munsters! Kate Jackson when she was on Dark Shadows (and any other time, for that matter!), and Mary Tyler Moore...!

Posted by: Mike on September 13, 2004 09:44 PM

Alice, on the Brady Bunch. SHE wore the nipple clamps, I am told.

Posted by: Velociman on September 13, 2004 09:51 PM

Just for the record, even I thought Morticia was gorgeous....

And, how are y'all discussing beautiful wimmin and no one has even mentioned Ann-Margret?

Jeez, guys.... talk about drop-dead gorgeous.

Posted by: Stevie on September 13, 2004 09:57 PM

Noone else thinks that Markie Post circa Night Court was hot? Damn, I feel so alone. I, mean, sure; her character was a ditzy, left-leaning public defender, but damn she had a nice rack.

And legs.

And face.

Aw, hell -- everything but the goofy 80's hair-dos. But at the age of 10, my fantasies were far from hindered by her hair.

Posted by: D.J. M.B. on September 13, 2004 10:01 PM

Endora. And Lovey Howell. Think outside the box, I say. Dr. Bellows' wife. Larry Tate's wife. Even I draw the line at Lily Munster, however.

Posted by: Velociman on September 13, 2004 10:14 PM

Little Joe Cartwright
Glen Morley
Col. Hogan
sorry, can't get excited about wimmen.
But, if I could, yes, Ann-Margret.

Posted by: RubyTuesday on September 13, 2004 10:33 PM

Ditto 3, 4, 6, 7, 8 (I got to watch her get spanked many times). Concerning 1: For some reason Samantha did NOTHING for me, but the crazy brunnete played by the same actress still makes me sweat. 9 reminds me of The Buggles, remember the girl Buggle? I knew at 5 there was SOMETHING I wanted to do with her. 10 is true of all female British spies, something inherently very sexy about that whole archetype.

Posted by: Dave Munger on September 13, 2004 10:50 PM

I'll toss in a vote for Suzanne Pleshette on the old Bob Newhart Show. Bob was/is great, but come on, how realistic was it for a shlub like that to have that hot a wife?

And how could anyone overlook Linda Carter, Wonder Woman??

Posted by: CT on September 13, 2004 10:52 PM

I almost forgot to mention Donna Reed and whoever was her daughter on the show (later in some Elvis movies with Ann Margret I think). They're not related in real life, so it's OK to want them to tag team you.

Posted by: Dave Munger on September 13, 2004 10:52 PM

Miss Barbara Stanwyck, getting bullwhipped in that cave by the Other Woman. Woo hoo. If only the other woman could have been Hazel.

Posted by: Velociman on September 13, 2004 10:59 PM

Samantha was damn-fine. (And FYI, I'm only 22 - I wanted to tag in RERUNS).

Mary-Ann is hot.

Ellie May is hot (And I believe a seperate post is required on how you came about kissing her)

But you forgot Daisy Duke. How could you forget Daisy Duke?

Posted by: Michael on September 13, 2004 11:12 PM

1. Adrian Paul from the Highlander series. Ooo, that man still makes my tongue hard.
2. Vic Morrow back in the days of Combat! Damn. Even as a little girl playing soldiers in the back lot in base housing, I could appreciate that man.
3. Patrick McGooghan(sp) of Secret Agent Man and The Prisoner. Brit-o-licious.
4. Bruce Lee, when was Kato on the Green Hornet. Mmmmm... Must be those formative years in Hawaii that make me want a little Chop Suey once in a while.
5. Did I mention Neil Cavuto from Fox News? Sorry, he's got it all over Sean Hannity in my book.
6. Okay. I admit it. Bobby Sherman from Here Come the Brides. How could any pre-pubescent girl resist those big blue eyes?
7. And I know he was just a host on a Saturday Morning music show, just damn. Mark Lindsey of Paul Revere and the Raiders. That thick black hair, the beautiful Indian looks, and those tight pants. Cherokee Nation and Let Me burning up the airwaves?...Mrrrrrowr!

Posted by: Mamamontezz on September 13, 2004 11:25 PM

Zena AND Gabriel, together, at the same time. A Vixen-Sammich with me in the middle!

And Emma Peel? Always floated my boat.

And Morticia WAS hot. The original hot Goth chick. I bet she not only wore nipple clamps, Velociman, but was pierced as well. And not just on her nips.

Posted by: Delftsman3 on September 13, 2004 11:32 PM

Jane Hathaway. Yowurrrr!!!!

Don't get me started on Granny.

Posted by: Velociman on September 13, 2004 11:45 PM

Velociman, admit it. Miss Brooks. In the locker room. With thigh-high leather boots and a riding crop.

Remember, they did have corporal punishment in High School back then... And office supplies.

Posted by: Mamamontezz on September 13, 2004 11:48 PM

Lynda Carter (THE standard)

Joanna Cameron as Isis (kids tv show)

D.J.M.B. you're not alone. Post fem-mullet Markie Post is a hot "MILF" even today

Rita Hayworth & Veronica Lake (oh for a time machine)

Rebecca De Mornay (classy whore)

Ellen Barkin (built for SLUT)

And both Bundy broads, Katey Sagal (Peggy) and the other one. whose name I remember but am too lazy to type.

Posted by: horse with no-- on September 13, 2004 11:58 PM

Mama, yes. Eve Arden. What a hottie. I also like Punky Brewster, and Tootie. And the Olsen Girls, when the one isn't puking her carrot salad on me.

Posted by: Velociman on September 14, 2004 12:04 AM

After many drunken hours arguing in college, my list:

Dawn Welles
Barbara Eden
Carolyn Jones, Morticia Addams
Karen Valentine, Alice Johnson from Room 222
Marcia Strassman, Julie Kotter
Suzanne Pleshette for sure.....

Posted by: Rick T on September 14, 2004 01:24 AM

And,,,, last but never least,

Barbara Sharma (the red-head tap dancer at the end of Rowan and Martin's Laugh In)

Posted by: Rick T on September 14, 2004 01:29 AM

Ok well what teen boy DIDN'T wish he could be Jack, with Janet and Crissy? Uh huh. Pretend to be gay, my arse! I'd be all over those two. 'Specially Crissy. Janet seemed kinda butch to me...

Posted by: Desert Cat on September 14, 2004 03:04 AM

morticia addams, definitely. also, lily munster. but, then we can't forget laurie partridge and carol brady!!!
nothing wrong with fantasizing about tv ladies, or radio ladies for that matter. i fantasize about most ladies.

Posted by: Happy Sad on September 14, 2004 04:55 AM

George Meharis.
Peter Graves.

Posted by: Jaydee on September 14, 2004 05:44 AM

Maya from Space 1999. That was one saucy-assed shape-changing wereslut.

One chick that definitely didn't stand the test of time for me was Hot Lips from MASH. I thought she was hot when I was a wee lad; I think she reminded me of my 2nd grade teacher, who was the Holly Springs, GA version of the Harper Valley PTA scandal.

Posted by: Rube on September 14, 2004 06:53 AM

Ooo yeah, George Maharis. He was a hottie... but then again so was Randy Mantooth, Bobby Sherman, Micky Dolenz and Speed Racer.

Posted by: Stevie on September 14, 2004 06:55 AM

Oh yeah, and for some twisted reason, when I was a kid I used to think Jonathan Frid (Barnabus Collins) was cute, too.

Posted by: Stevie on September 14, 2004 06:58 AM

Stevie Nicks, in her prime.

Posted by: Catfish on September 14, 2004 07:13 AM

Girls don't float my boat but I have to agree with Catfish--Stevie Nicks was DAMN fine!

Posted by: amy on September 14, 2004 09:52 AM

Okay, guys, here's a good one...

Valerie Bertinelli.
Friggin' gorgeous, right?
Riiight.... lol.

Posted by: Stevie on September 14, 2004 01:26 PM

Sorry. Clint Eastwood when he was on Rawhide. Lip-Smacking good!

Posted by: Mamamontezz on September 14, 2004 05:24 PM

Just about all the girls in hooterville( you know at the junction,,,, petticoat junction)

Posted by: brillo on September 14, 2004 07:20 PM

Dianna Rigg also starred in "The Hospital" with George C. Scott.

I thought she was sensational.


Posted by: Norm on September 15, 2004 07:41 AM
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