Gut Rumbles
 

August 19, 2004

martial arts movies

I am sick and tired of watching well-rehearsed "fighers" such as Chuck Norris, Stevie Segal and Jean-Claude Goddam fill young people's heads full of shit about kung-fu and kick-boxing. It looks pretty on the screen, but real people don't fight that way. A heavyweight boxer or a good westler will take those fancy-Dan jumpers apart every day.

I'm not saying that Chuck, Stevie and Jean-Goddam couldn't take MY ass apart, because they probably COULD, unless I had my .38 in my pocket. If I'm toting, I ain't one bit afraid to dance with them. What? You're gonna throw one of those spinning back-kicks at me? Go ahead, buster. I'll pop you four times before your foot ever gets close to me.

I see kids doing that shit every day. They dance and kick at each other like a couple of pussies instead of having an actual FIGHT. Quinton wrestles and he's good at it. He went to the Georgia State Finals in his weight class last year. He's also taken Tai-Kwan-Doo-Doo lessons. I've asked him, "In a real fight, which works better?" He answers wrestling every time. You stick your spinning back-kick up in the air and let a wrestler grab your foot, you are dead meat, my friend. He'll shove it up your ass and choke you like a chicken.

Fuck that choreography. It may look good in the movies, but it doesn't win real fights.

(I have no doubt that I'll hear from some umteenth-level Black Belt whatever fuckers who can't WAIT to tell me how full of shit I am and how they could take my gun and shoot ME with it because of their cat-like speed and prowess as they jump and dance like faggots. I'd like to see it happen. I believe that I can pull the trigger faster on that pistol than you can kick me.

You've got a foot and a "TEE-YAH" yell. I've got a Colt .38. I'll take my chances in that fight.)

Comments

Incidentally, Seagal's system and fight scenes don't use the flying, dancing, spinning on one foot stuff. He practices aikido which focuses much more on grappling with the application of joint locks, pressure points, and conservative (below waist level) kicks and precise punches. Think of it as wrestling with chiropractic knowledge. That'd mess you up. Course, nobody's bulletproof.

Posted by: Adam on August 19, 2004 05:17 PM

It's true: Seagal is a genuine badass faggot.

Posted by: dipnut on August 19, 2004 06:06 PM

"(I have no doubt that I'll hear from some umteenth-level Black Belt whatever fuckers who can't WAIT to tell me how full of shit I am..."

LOL!! Well, I couldn't resist. I'm a 3rd degree black belt. Know what? Quenton's 100% right on...."In a real fight, which works better?" He answers wrestling every time." 99.99% of all fights end up on the ground. If you don't have some grappling/wrestling skills under your belt, you're gonna have a difficult time of it.

I don't think you're full of shit, Acidman. You remind me of my pappy. He had so much respect for people, and a heart of gold to match. BUT DON'T PISS HIM OFF!!!

Keep fightin' the good fight there, Mr. Rob. You'll win it yet.

Posted by: Kate on August 19, 2004 08:21 PM

He answers wrestling every time." 99.99% of all fights end up on the ground. If you don't have some grappling/wrestling skills under your belt, you're gonna have a difficult time of it.

Yep, and sometimes it doesn't even have to get that far. In high school I got fed up with this one guy who thought he was a badass, and I did something I'd never done before: I called him out.

He liked to dance around and box like fighting was fun and cool. I'd been in more fights than he had, none of them (until now) started by me. My plan was to get him down on the ground where my weight and anger would work to my advantage.

I didn't manage to bring him down, but when I got myself up off the ground after the first attempt, and he saw what I had endured while trying to get his feet out from under him (nose broken for the second time, much bleeding) and that I was still game, he walked.

The crowd that had come to watch, and had been on his side at first, was suddenly with me, and he knew there was more to fighting than dancing around like a dollar-store Muhammad Ali.

I didn't have any more trouble with him. Or with much of anyone else, come to think of it...

Posted by: McGehee on August 19, 2004 09:02 PM

Ever watch Ultimate Fighting? No-holds-barred type stuff on Pay-Per-View. Want to know who wins almost every time? Grapplers and wrestlers, usually out of a Brazilian dojo run by the Gracies. Guys trying to either punch or kick their way to victory throw one or two moves, get taken down, get held rather quietly and anti-climactically against the mat, until they suddenly start tapping out frantically.

Posted by: K.C. on August 20, 2004 11:22 AM

In many places in the US, unfortunately, the one with a gun is instantly suspect. I myself am rather fond of a 3ft length of 2x4, well-seasoned, and carefully selected out of my junk bin. And perfectly legal almost everywhere.

Heh....

Posted by: Ward Gerlach on August 20, 2004 06:15 PM
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