June 27, 2004
all my children
I've called Quinton several times this weekend but, as usual, all I get is the answering machine. "Hi! You've reached Jennifer and Quinton. We can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave a message, we'll call you back as quickly as we can. Have a GREAT day!" I want to puke every time I hear that message. I don't know where Quinton is or what he is doing. And the LAST thing Jennifer wants in life is for me to have a "great day." So much for "joint custody" under the divorce laws in Georgia.
My daughter is coming to visit next weekend. I'll take Samantha and Stacey out to eat or take them fishing--- whatever they want to do--- while they're here. I had a rough time with Samantha when she was going through her tumultuous teenage years, but she's straightened up and flown pretty well the past couple of years. Stacey has been a very good influence on Sam.
Have I mentioned before that my daughter is gay? Yeah, I thought I did. Samantha isn't ashamed of that fact and neither am I. My mama and my grandmother agree, which is something I believed that I never would live to see. But we all love Sam and we just want her to be happy. Stacey makes her happy, and that's good enough for us.
But I've got to admit--- I'm kinda 0-for-2 in the daddy department. I believe that both of my children love me, but I've missed a lot of their lives. I wish that I could go back and do a lot of things over again, but you get only one shot in life and if you fuck that one up, you live with the consequences. I fucked up being a father.
Samantha is a beautiful and talented young woman. Quinton is going to be a fine figure of a man. I love them both.
But I'll probably always do it from a distance.
I just started reading your blog ... love it so far.
Had to comment on this entry. My Dad had to leave my Mom and I when I was 3 and then he was an "every second weekend" Dad. He did what he could with what he was given ... my Mom was horrible to him, not allowing him to see me any extra time at all. I'm 30 now and just this year had a heart to heart with my Dad. About issues like him not being around more and stuff like that. He told me things that I had always wanted to hear. He too felt like he fucked up at being a father to me but that he did the best that he could. We aired out a lot of thoughts and feelings and are closer than ever now! so ... it's never too late to be a Dad :) Your kids will always need you in some form or another. I'm sure you're doing the best you can with what you have been given. I know that you don't know me ... just wanted to share.
I'm looking foward to seeing you all next week. Its good to know that no one is ashamed of me. I don't consider you a fuck up, I blame Jennifer for many of my problems growing up. Just by accepting me for who I am now says a lot about you as a father. I can't wait to see you again and hold off on the carpet cleaning, Stacey is offering to do it for you! (bwhahahahah!) Love ya.
The biggest drawback I can think of to having a daughter is the eventuality of some dude on top of her with sweat tripping off of his matted hair, grunting like he's taking a dump. I'd ideally like my daughter to go through a long lesbian phase starting in Junior High, and snap out of it just in time to give me grandkids. Biological ones, they have to look like little Daves, or it dosen't count!
Sometimes I think it doesn't matter how you raise your kids really. My husband and I were very strict with our kids; my sister was very lenient. We both have children who have given us "premature" grandkids, and they all love us the same. There are no grudges. Your kids know you love them. That's all that matters. Quentin understands you can't be with him. I'm sure the troubles before J left were hard on him as well as you. Things will work out. Just give it enough time.
You are right about one point, you get one shot in life and if ya fuck it up that's it. But, unless you're spirit writing your blog from the great beyond you're still in the game. I'm convinced that as parents we all fuck up to some extent., it is the natural order of things. It does none of us any good to dwell on our mistakes as long as we try and learn from them and not keep repeating them. And as Sam pointed out, some things are beyond your control.
Sounds like you have a great daughter and I'll just bet when Quinton gets to be her age, he'll be able to express himself too! It's never too late to be a father as long as you are breathing!
Glad to hear you're doing well. Miss yur blog.
I will make my dad a grandfather someday. Just beacuse I'm with a woman doesn't mean that I don't plan to have children. Stacey and I have already talked about it and decided that we may start looking for "help" in a couple of years.
Hey to you too juliette! I still read your blog quite often :)
Sam, you were a prettier baby than Juliette was.
I happen to think Juliette was a precious baby. I wasn't exactly a beautiful baby myself with my crossed eyes and big fat head.
You got that big, fat head from your daddy.
I never seen a baby picture of you with a fat head. Who did I get the messed up eyes from?