Gut Rumbles

June 19, 2004

cancer survivor

Lookie here. I've been invited to join a Cancer Survivors Group. I wonder how they got my name and address? I also wonder what in the hell a cancer survivors group does. Do people stand around, swap horror stories and compare scars?

I don't believe that I want to join. First of all, I agree with Groucho Marx-- I don't want to join ANY club that would accept ME as a member. Second, I don't think of myself as a cancer survivor. I didn't do anything heroic or brave. I got lucky, that's all.

Having cancer damn sure changed my life in ways that will never be repaired, but the only real struggle I had during that time was keeping my head on straight while my not-yet-ex-wife moved her dope-smoking, unemployed lover into my house. That was a bitter pill to swallow. It also was the most heartless, bloodless thing anyone has ever done to me in my life.

Jennifer knew how frightened I was by the high PSA test and how I watched my father and my best friend die from prostate cancer. She knew how worried I was about the biopsy results. Still, she picked that time to become an adulteress, throw me out of my home and start a torrid affair with a person not fit to kiss my ass. She's a class act all the way.

I remember the night before the surgery. I had to be at the hospital at 5:00 AM and I didn't sleep much that night. I did a lot of thinking. I wasn't afraid of dying--- the thought of dying has NEVER frightened me. It's gonna happen some day and I hope to spit in the Reaper's face when he comes for me. I just didn't want to be ALTERED and live as only a part of what I once was.

I had a radical prostatectomy. It knocked me flat on my Cracker ass for a month. I wore diapers for three months after that while I practiced Keagle exercises to relearn how to control my continence. My dick was dead as a doorknob. I was one miserable sumbitch. I'll NEVER be right again, but I appear to be cancer-free. August 16th will make three years since I received the positive report on the biopsy. My last PSA test was a big, fat zero.

If I had it all to do over again, I'm not certain that I would consent to the surgery. I probably could have lived a good 10 to 15 years with the slow-moving cancer I had, and I believe that I would have been a lot happier, right up until I died, than I have been since the surgery.

Am I supposed to be PROUD and join a club because I didn't die (yet) of cancer? Am I supposed to consider myself as a "cancer survivor?" I don't feel proud and I don't consider myself to be a survivor. In fact, I wish now that I had never gone to the doctor for that biopsy.

I wouldn't fit in with a group of cancer survivors. I would rather have my old body back and die wearing it.


Given the BC's treatment, I doubt the following:
"...I believe that I would have been a lot happier, right up until I died, than I have been since the surgery..."
As a 'cancer survivor' myself I know ALTERATIONS that limit us all. That's just the way it is.
Some of the things you've written in the past few years have indicated, at least to me, a substantial appreciation and enjoyment of 'your life', such as it is. Go revisit your archives, go revisit Costa Rica, go revisit Black Mountain. Get off your cracker ass and go do something, even if it's wrong!

Posted by: Earl on June 19, 2004 11:02 AM

"I didn't do anything heroic or brave. I got lucky, that's all."
Same-same for those in the group, Rob. I doubt that attendance is mandatory after the first meeting. Give 'em a try. Pleasant surprises might await. They probably need a resident curmudgeon!

Posted by: CAULI4NYUN on June 19, 2004 12:15 PM

Every group needs a grumpy old man! ;>)

Posted by: Michele on June 19, 2004 01:29 PM

Go ahead and join, you may meet a very nice woman with red toenails. Can't hurt and it is free. It will also get you out of the house.

Posted by: Catfish on June 20, 2004 10:56 AM

Go to an introductory meeting...if nothing more, you can at least find out if they got your name by any means that might possibly be not legal...and, who knows whom you might meet, anyway.

Posted by: MommaBear on June 20, 2004 11:21 AM

I wouldn't fit in with a group of cancer survivors. I would rather have my old body back and die wearing it.

Then you need to head over to Gina at and check out her latest post. An email she shared from a friend echoes your sentiments.

P.S. Happy Father's Day.


Posted by: Joni on June 20, 2004 03:32 PM


It's Dawn at Altered Perceptions ... I get those two gals confused for reasons known only to me!! Sorry! (Both are good reads, don't get me wrong. But Dawn's post (linked above) is where I wanted to draw your attention. The quote is priceless!!

Posted by: Joni on June 20, 2004 03:35 PM


From my own selfish point of view, I'm kinda glad you had all of yer horrible troubles; otherwise, you wouldn't have started writing this thing here and I would not have gotten to read it, nor even known that you existed.

As long as it doesn't hurt more than it's fun, by all means, keep on keepin' on!

Posted by: Justthisguy on June 21, 2004 02:41 AM

God the above looks/sounds heartless and Godawful. I really do wish you happiness and health, while insisting that a lot of your good writing which I love came from your bad fortune and sickness. Owhell, what can I say?

See ya in the next world. Don't be late?

Posted by: Justthisguy on June 21, 2004 02:52 AM
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