Gut Rumbles

June 17, 2004

i did not have sex with that man

Okay, let me set the record straight. And I mean STRAIGHT. I didn't have any homosexual relationships in Key West, even if I DID get up on stage and sing at a gay bar. And even if I DID get totally shitfaced that last day. And even if I DID lose my underwear.

I'll admit that Paul, the gay bartender, pinched me on the ass. But I asked for that, because I told him that I had been coming to Key West for YEARS and wandering into gay bars (hell... pick a door and roll the dice... you have about a 50% chance of ending up in a gay place) and NEVER had a gay man hit on me.

"Are you hitting on ME?" he asked.

Paul is about 6' 4" tall and looks as if he pumps a lot of iron in his spare time. "Shit no," I replied. "I'm just curious about why a gay man has never tried to pick me up. Wimmen do it all the time. Do I have some kind of invisible light shining from my forehead that attracts wimmen and repels gay men? Hell, Paul, I've never even had a gay man pinch me on the ass."

Paul walked from behind the bar and pinched me on the ass. "Ya happy now?" he asked. "This is Key West, where all your fantasies come true."

I tipped him five dollars when I LEFT THE BAR.

Things got pretty confusing after that, but I'm fairly certain that I left my underwear somewhere other than a gay bar. Maybe I pissed myself, shit my pants and threw my drawers away in utter disgust. That might have happened, especially after the tequila.

But my "brown-eyed girl" was just fine the next morning, because a guy's hairy ass just doesn't turn me on. Even after several shots of tequila.

Hmmm... I'm not sure about posting this screed. People may go all Shakespearian on me and say "He doth protest too much." If you're a skeptic and doubt my word, I have just one thing to say to you.

Go eat my underwear, if you can find it.


"Maybe ... shit my pants" --Acidman

So you're suggesting your stool was as loose as, say, Barney Frank's? Hmmm. Interesting.

Posted by: MildlyDisturbed on June 17, 2004 09:47 AM

Oh My Gawd!! Write on!! My faith in you,Acidman is unwaivering! If you ever get to Dallas I will by you a great rare steak, a mind blowing drink and probably some fantastic entertainment. But beware...we have our fair share of Fairies!! ~Chelle

Posted by: Chelle on June 17, 2004 10:01 AM


Pull yourself together, man. If twinkle-toes would have seen your bionic dick ... you would have never gotten out of that bar alive. Remember that, my friend.

Posted by: The Parson on June 17, 2004 10:45 AM

Maybe I pissed myself, shit my pants and threw my drawers away in utter disgust. That might have happened, especially after the tequila.

My last day in Key West was a memorable one; unfortunately, I don't remember all of it.

I'm not sure what all happened next, but I believe that tequila was involved.

They told me that I staggered into the lobby the night before...

We know you're not gay but I hope the asshole judge and the BC aren't reading your blog.

Posted by: Brent on June 17, 2004 11:15 AM

Okay, guess we will have to buy the story that you 'don't remember',,,we have no other choice! Besides, I suppose if 6'4" Paul took your drawers, you'd have remembered that!!

Posted by: Michele on June 17, 2004 06:39 PM

You faggot.

Posted by: BJK on June 17, 2004 09:32 PM

If you ever get to Dallas....we have our fair share of Fairies!! ~Chelle
Would that be the land o' steers & queers??

Posted by: CAULI4NYUN on June 17, 2004 10:02 PM

He made it back to the hotel just fine and all alone

Posted by: g on June 17, 2004 10:38 PM
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