Gut Rumbles

March 31, 2004

what causes that?

I've never been a hateful, vindictive person. I can be violent and I can be very dangerous in a fight, but I don't carry grudges forever. They become a heavy burden after a while and you're better off if you just lay them down and go on your way. Hate may be a great motivating emotion, but it usually leads you down the wrong path.

You have no real life when you eat yourself up from the inside out, which is what hate will do to you.

I don't believe in loving all my brothers and sisters all over the world either. If I love EVERYBODY, my love is worthless, no better than alms for the poor. Love and respect are qualities that you bestow on people who EARN THEM, not some shit you throw away to beggars like pennies on the street. That's an important concept to understand.

I lived with hate for a while and finally realized, after a lot of thinking, that I was doing no good to myself and I needed to let it go. I also had to deal with misplaced love at the same time. I loved and hated the same person. THAT concept will fuck you up emotionally.

I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm getting there. I didn't ask for this latest dive-bomb attack on my ass in court, but I've got to deal with it, and I will. I don't love that woman anymore. I don't hate her, either. I despise her for being the money-grubbing cunt that she is, but I don't hate her. I look at her today and I feel nothing. She isn't worth my hatred, or my love.

I save those emotions for people who deserve them.