Gut Rumbles

February 10, 2004


How much about environmentalism do you know?

Pick the answers that best apply to you

Have you had a bath every day this week? If yes, score 14
If you have a bath just on Sunday night - or twice a week, score 2
Do you shower every day rather than have a bath? If so, score 4
Do you think we're too obsessive about personal hygiene? If you take a shower once a week, score 1
If you use your dishwasher every day or every other day, score 6
On hot, sunny summer days, do you water the garden or wash the car with a hosepipe? Score 4 for being a dumbass

What a dumbass question. I shower every day. I can afford the water and so can Mother Earth. Gimme a 6 here. I don't have a water shortage.

When you last went shopping, did you buy only locally produced fresh products - such as bread, vegetables and meat? If yes, score 2
Alternatively, do you buy more heavily packaged and processed items and not even bother to look at where food comes from? If the answer is yes, score 15
Or, do you search out food that comes from closer to home? If you are successful at least part of the time, score 5
What sort of food do you eat?
Do you insist on meat with every meal? If so, score 85

I'll eat anything that doesn't eat me first. I don't read food labels and I could give a shit where a product came from if I want to eat it. Show me a fucking "organic" label and you lost me right then. I don't know who invented that "organic" label for foods, but the shit-wrerstling bastard needs to be dragged off a shot. Give me nitrogen and 10-10-10 any day over cat-shit in my garden. Give me an 85 here.

Or do you eat mostly vegetarian dishes? If so, score 30

Pull my canine teeth and maybe I'll listen to some of that vegan babble. Give me teeth like a cow or a goat and I might start listening to this absolute bullshit. We aren't built to be vegetarians. That's a fact of nature. I like a raw tomato, but I eat steak, too. Bejus built me that way. Score me a big, fat zero on this one.

How many people live in your home? Just me 2 3 4 5 6 7+
We will divide your score for this section by the number of people sharing and round up the answer. If your home is...
a flat with just enough room to swing a cat, score 7
a terraced house, score 15
a large and spacious flat, score 12
a semi-detached house, score 23
a detached house, score 33

I live alone in a house that I owe $68,000 dollars on. It has 1,200 square feet, three bedrooms and two full baths, plus over one-half acre of land If I ever get a chance to swing a cat in here, its ass is going right into the ceiling fan. I'm giving myself a 12 here, because I probably have enough room to swing two cats into the ceiling fan at once.

HOLIDAY (and business)
Where did you go last year? If you flew to Australia, or beyond score 155
Or did you fly to Europe, score 20
If you flew to Asia or the Americas, score 85
If, instead, you went by road or rail to Europe - including Britain - score 10
For people outside Britain:

I flew to Atlanta, San Antinio, Texas and Hamilton, Mississippi last year. I also went to Dallas once. Every trip sucked. An airplace is nothing but a Grayhound bus with wings and I hate 'em. Give me a 10 here.

If you took at least one long-haul flight, score 85
If you stayed near home, score 10M/blockquote>

I drove to Atlanta five times last year. Kiss my ass, you barking moonbat. I don't want any points for this stupid question.

The heat that keeps you warm probably comes from burning fossil fuel, which releases carbon dioxide. To soak up this greenhouse gas, a wood will have to be planted, using up precious land. So, start this section with a score of 45
On the bright side, you get to subtract some points.
Do you set the thermostat down low, preferring to add another layer of clothing before turning it up? If so, subtract 5
If your home is well insulated, subtract another 15
If your home is double glazed, subtract 5
Do you only turn on the heating when absolutely necessary rather than keeping it on the timer all year round? If so, subtract 10

I keep my thermostat set at 72 degrees year round. If you don't like that fact, bite my Cracker ass.

If your power comes from only renewable sources, score 2 and skip to the next section.
For everyone else, generating your electricity releases carbon dioxide, so start this section with a score of 75
Do you always switch off the lights if a room is no longer in use? If yes, subtract 10
Computers, TVs and hi-fis can now be left on standby. If you shun this setting and switch these devices right off, subtract 10

I pay my electric bill. Fuck greenhouse gases and "renewable" energy sources. Do you have any idea how much juice I spend playing my Fender Telecaster through my Fender Reverb amp? I don't, and I don't give a shit, either. I like it loud sometimes.

So, I have an alternate question. Do you anal-retentive asswipes close your bathroom door when you take a shit in the house all by yourself? I'll bet you do, while I walk around nekkid most of the times. Assheads.

Did you drive to college or work today? Is your car a modern, small-engined car? If so, score 40
Or do you drive a big 4-by-4? Score 75

I drive a Chevy Cheyenne with a 405 engine and over 400 horses under the hood. It'll haul a ton. It gets 21 miles per gallon and you really don't want to fuck with me on the road. I once put 40,000 miles per year on that car and I don't do that anymore. I just let it sit in the driveway and look good now.

But if you drive one of those tennis shoes on wheels, you need to be dragged off and shot. That's just putrid, man.

If your car is something between these two, score 50
Do you take a bus or train, rather than travel by car? If so, score 25
If you are fortunate enough to cycle to work or college, score 3 ,

Gimme fucking zero. I need a big truck where I live.

The last book you read, did you borrow or buy it?
If you always buy, score 2
If you always borrow, score 0
If it's half and half, score 1

The lady at the Book Nook knows me by my first name. I carry a credit there. I bring in a box of books and want to swap them for books I haven't read. She steers me to some good ones, then we cut a deal on my trade. I'm talking 50 or 60 books at a time here. Used book stores are wonderful places. I like the way they smell and I enjoy having a nice old lady steer me around the place, because by now she knows what I like to read. She seldom treats me wrong.

Fuck. I believe that you environmental assholes owe ME points on this question.

Do you always share your newspapers and magazines? If so, score 5
If you bin your newspapers when you have finished with them, score 10

Most of my newspapers end up in the bathrooms. That way, I never run out of toilet paper.

To dispose of waste, you're once again going to use up valuable land. So, start this section with a score of 100
Have you visited the bottle bank in the past month to drop off your empties? If you have, subtract 15
If you separate out waste paper for recycling, subtract 17
If you keep used cans apart and recycle them, subtract 10
Do you recycle your plastic containers? If so, subtract 8
Are you keen on composting the organic waste left over from the kitchen and garden? If so, subtract 5
If you avoid generating waste by, say, buying less or reusing things then subtract 15M

Fuck you, idiot. You don't have a clue what you're talking about. Do you know how BIG this country is? Do you know what a miniscule about it would take to build a landfill that would last 20 years? Of course you don't. You don't pay attention to facts. You pitch bilge.

Many of the amenities you use every day, from roads to shops and buildings, make their own demands on land. People who consume more tend to rely more on these amenities. So, to take account of this, double your score
(Each "point" in your score is equal to one-hundredth of a hectare. So, for example, a score of 350 is equal to about 3.5 hectares)

Define a hecatare, asswipe, then maybe I'll listen to you. Otherwise, just shut the fuck up.

People such as you, half-witted and full of shit, will spell the eventual end of this country. You don't know what you're talking about, you don't know science from phrenology and people just as fucked-up as you are are beginning to listen to you as the druid priests that you are.

Got-dam. I could do a better job of reading goat entrails and chicken bones to predict the future than you princes do with "science." I have a low tolerance for pure, sunshine-in-the-face ignorance. You people are blinding me.

Naw, never mind. Just read and that's all you'll ever need to know.


Thanke for the link, Acidman. It gives us a glance into a whole 'nother world. After visiting that site, I learned that my score is over 800, which is supposed to make me feel bad. Since I don't knit my own yoghurt down in the commune, it made me feel pretty good. Any quiz where you gain "bad" points for regular bathing, taking vacations, eating meat, or driving to work, seems biased in a direction I don't want to go.

"Have you had a bath every day this week? If yes, score 14." Sheesh.

Posted by: Ernie G on February 10, 2004 08:43 AM

I'm over 800 also. I don't fly anymore since they don't allow smoking or I would have maxed it out.


Posted by: Recondo32 on February 10, 2004 08:51 AM

I could have maxed the score if I had flown to Australia, but I already live here.

Any credits for shooting two rabbits and eating them last Friday? (2x.22LR rounds, Browning LA, iron sights,I'm a good shot)

Rabbits are a pest in Oz, brought in by the English 100 years ago for sport. Dickheads.

Posted by: Pedro the Ignorant on February 10, 2004 09:22 AM

996. Sah-weet.

Now I just need to get a bigger place and fly to Australia more often.

Btw, you broke the server. Looks like the entire site is down.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on February 10, 2004 11:15 AM

Wasn't able to take the quiz, but figure I would probably do fairly poorly because I live in a house somewhat bigger than a mud hut and bathe regularly. OTOH, I do most of my work online and only have to leave to go to the feedstore and the grocery store, if I don't go slaughter something for dinner. BUT, I can't put a ton of feed in the back of a Prius, so there I go bein' bad again. And none of my electricity is generated by photovoltaics.

I quit flyin' a few years back when I got hassled by the security guys that found the .38 rounds in my purse. (Okay, I remembered to leave the pistol at home but forgot to search the side pockets for extra rounds.) So, I decided that for an absent-minded person like me, driving might be the better way to go, because I always forget things like leaving the pocket knife at home. So, I guess that would be a plus for me as well. Dang, I might end up bein' an environmentalist at this rate.

Posted by: SwampWoman on February 10, 2004 11:37 AM

I recently heard, "I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat a fucking carrot."

Posted by: Cop1 on February 10, 2004 12:44 PM

I couldn't even read the whole quiz........I got a brain freeze ;-(
I know!! I'll gind up a few of these fat headed
numbskulls and use the rendered fat from their noggins to lube my truck.........that I mostly ride in ALONE! That should lower my score!

Posted by: wes jackson on February 10, 2004 06:53 PM

Not that it matters at this point, but a hectare is 10,000 square meters, or a tad less than two and a half acres.

Posted by: CGHill on February 10, 2004 08:58 PM

(Each "point" in your score is equal to one-hundredth of a hectare...

Who's Hector? One of the 2 miliion illegals in my backyard?

Why am I only allowed to 'use up' 5 earths? I demand TEN.

Posted by: Horse with no-- on February 11, 2004 05:12 AM

Ethics is not necessarily the handmaiden of theology.

Posted by: Brooke Nicholas on May 3, 2004 10:19 AM
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