Gut Rumbles

February 07, 2004


I've often believed that I could be a good actor. Spend six years on stage playing solo. then supervise people for 24 years. Don't tell me you don't learn to act.

But I never wanted to be a leading man. I wanted the play the Dennis Hopper role or some kind of super-villian. You know, a really over-the-top, chew the carpet, drool and slool part. I could do that.

I could do Tim Roth, too.

But I can see the future of my acting career. I'll auditon forever, until I finally win the role of "The Guy With The Cigarette." I get to dress really cool, like some sexually confused metrosexual. I ask the cop behind the crime tape for a light. He takes a lit cigarette from his mouth. crushes it under his boot and tells me to fuck myself if I don't die of terminal dumbass, first.

I have a speaking line. "I guess that's a 'no' to the light, huh?"

Over the next couple of weeks, I'm filming "Vampire Wimmen of the Forest" Jack and Quinion get to be the heroes, complete with wooden stakes, but I get bitten in the neck by young vampire wimmen several times in the film. Hell, I wrote it, so I can be bitten all I want.

Right now I need a silver-haired professorial type to play Van Helsing (I'm not old enough for that role yet), Christopher Reeve to play Dracula and Nicole Kidman to give the the last bite while she wears nothing but red toenail polish in the woods.

I think the movie is a winner.


Reeve will have to play Dracuplegic. I'll play Van Helsing. Hell, Peter Cushing started playing him at 45, that's about right. This has to be the first vampire movie where Van Helsing must be pulled from the brothels on as regular basis, though. Dax could be Renfield.

Posted by: Velociman on February 7, 2004 06:52 PM

Shit, come on down (or up, as it were). We need more decent actors in the business who do it because they want to, not for celebrity or money, and who get there on their own merits instead of sucking the right appendage.

He'll, I'd cast you in a New York minute.

Posted by: Mr. Lion on February 7, 2004 10:21 PM

"Don't tell me you don't learn to act."

You learn how to play the social games. It's not the same thing, Rob. Yes, one learns how to act. But if it were true that it makes us good actors, many of us would fail, miserably (I'm too fucking honest to people, there's my failing; fortunately my current job and boss view that as a good thing, otherwise I'd be in a padded room).

When I started this reply, I had a quote from Borgnine, I think it was, in mind. But it escaped my mind.

I'll just say this: It's not acting when you be who you are. Anything else you do, and we all do it, is simply giving society wants to hear, in the interest of fitting in enough to live from day to day.

That may sound paranoid, but think about it for a while....when was the last time you could be honest to a complete stranger?

What a fucked up culture we live in.

Jebus, I'm rambling tonite. Again.


Posted by: Andy on February 8, 2004 12:05 AM

Hell, you don't want to act; you want to DIRECT!

Rob Smith, the Bubba Hitchcock!

Posted by: chizbro on February 8, 2004 01:13 AM
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