Gut Rumbles

January 17, 2004

You Can't Teach An Old Dog To Lead A Horse To Water Or How To Stand On Corners Turning Tricks To Buy Mama A Brand New Pair Of Shoes

At least not overnight.

Kim, I hope you see the look of disappointment in my eyes
I painstakingly wrote out the directions to a certain someone on how to float pics left or right. I did this a full five minutes before he wrote me asking how to do it. He even conceded that I was damn near prescient. Exactly. After all, I'm a Divine Being, am I not?

Do I know my men, or what? I anticipate their every need.

Take CatGut, for instance.

I have imparted every bit of hard-earned wisdom I've learned over the last couple years about online dating - or meeting people from the Internet. (That was a capital period, by the way.)

Does he listen? No. Still, I anticipate his needs and have answers at the ready.

I will give the man credit for listening to me on one thing, though. When we were discussing his impending trip to Jamaica, I knew what he wanted companion-wise. I thought about it for all of two nano seconds and suggested one name and one name only. I made mention of this to him and, lo and behold, the clouds parted, the sun shone down upon the land, the birds began singing, and the angels in heaven, why they surely did break out their beauteous harps in order to complete the picture. The man took my suggestion.

I knew I was right. He knew I was right. He just hates to admit it.

When he posted yesterday, as brief as it was, I could tell he was having fun. Mostly because it was such a short post. I can tell he's delighted with his travel companion.

This is very gratifying. Especially because I know how much pain my friend has endured over the last few years. I want him to be happy. I want him to experience all that life has to offer. Every tender, interesting, joyous, fun, humorous, moving, and/or debauched moment of it. As I recently told another friend, it ain't living if all you're doing is following a narrow regimen of taking this pill by eight and that shot at noon, followed by the high colonic at four and the visit with the plastic surgeon next Tuesday.

Taking life by the ballsLife needs to be taken by the balls...or mammaries, if need be.

I can tell from one. brief. post that my buddy, that cranky cracker from Savannah, is having a helluva time. I can almost hear his laughter from here. And, that's a mighty long way from Jamaica.

I almost believe he's happy enough to not murder me upon his return.

I'm not counting on it, though. I expect a tongue lashing at the very least. Ooh, baby!

Some pussies might cower in fear at his return, but I'm not going to run and hide from Catcidman!
I won't cower in the corner nor will I be intimidated by his eventual return. I'm not taking any photos down or replacing anything else. Catbombs are catbombs and can linger for months if done properly. I'm proud of my handiwork and am more than certain that he'll never get everything. He doesn't call himself a computer fucktard for nothing.

No, the only thing that may find its way off the site is this. I don't know that I want him to know that I said anything nice about him. We don't need his ego to be larger or more insistent in making its presence known than Bionic Roscoe, do we? Noooo.

Kim didn't complete his task and test his skills as he indicated he was eager to do. But, Catcidman did.

Looking down from my heavenly perch, I'd say all is - temporarily - right in this corner of the world. Later, I'm taking my son and my man to see some REALLY BIG CATS. If I don't get a chance to post again before the Big Pussy returns, it's been fun.

Thanks to all of you who wrote me encouraging e-mail, sent me disturbing photos of cats and all sorts interesting things, and for the twelve and a half highly indecent proposals.

~ DG


I've enjoyed the pictures and I look forward to picking up the catman at the airport.

Posted by: Georgia on January 17, 2004 09:05 AM

Ha Ha.

You might see see this as funny as all get out to fuck up someone else's blog.

I don't.

But then again, I'm just an ignorant dickhead.

Posted by: Pedro the Ignorant on January 17, 2004 09:07 AM

Think I'm gonna bust a gut reading all this.

Posted by: Anna on January 17, 2004 10:10 AM

No, Pedro, you're just short-sighted.

Posted by: Da Goddess on January 17, 2004 10:19 AM

Da Goddess, it's been fun. Pedro, sorry if she offended you (not really) but I thought the cuddly widdle kitties with the hidden cat bombs are great. Course, I'm the person that thinks sneaking live gators into people's swimming pools is great, too, so you gotta take that into consideration!

Hey, what words of wisdom DID you impart about meeting folks from over the internet? I recently met an internet bud, but was worried that it would be awkward and we wouldn't have anything to talk about in person and would be just sittin' there starin' at each other. Scary. Didn't happen. We hugged, and talked about anything and everything. She showed me her itinerary on the map, talked about visiting Sanibel Island and Captiva....I let out a squeal that would have done a hog in a slaughterhouse proud. "YOU READ RANDY WAYNE WHITE TOO!!!!!" Another conversation ensued about whether she would find any gents with beads braided into beards a la Blackbeard/Johnny Depp. (If she did, she was to give me the location IMMEDIATELY particularly since my husband went and shaved his beard OFF and wouldn't let me fix it up.)

Oh, well, my experience meeting folks off the internet has been good so far. I don't know how internet dating would be (and am not likely to find out) so I'll leave those adventures to y'all single/unhappily marrieds.

Posted by: SwampWoman on January 17, 2004 12:09 PM

Pedro's just trying to suck up in case the A-Man gets pissed.

The whole week has been hilarious, and I thank you!

Posted by: Sherry on January 17, 2004 12:28 PM

As is clear to all readers, DG does NOT fear the anticipated tongue lashing, but is begging for it so hard her eyes are bleeding.

Ooh baby indeed!

I was once accused of having my head up a-man's ass.......(just for positing a similar inclination in feminine beauty) this display.....this parade of pussy thrown at his blog by you wimmen types........this procurment of travel companions...........

It's enough to make a guy wish he had his own blog!

Posted by: wes jackson on January 17, 2004 02:08 PM

Thanks to all of you who wrote me encouraging e-mail, sent me disturbing photos of cats and all sorts interesting things, and for the twelve and a half highly indecent proposals.

What the hell, might I ask, is a "half" of an "indecent proposal"?

Inquiring minds wanna know!

Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on January 17, 2004 04:42 PM

Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that, myself. I guess that means the other half of the proposal was decent.

Posted by: SwampWoman on January 17, 2004 06:59 PM

Swampwoman posted:

Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that, myself. I guess that means the other half of the proposal was decent.

Who gives a shit about that part!?

We wanna know 'bout the indecent half !!!

Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on January 17, 2004 10:48 PM

Reckon it's all a matter of interpretation, Jim. To me, an indecent proposal would include things like doing laundry and washing dishes and becoming the stepmother to 5 prattling children whose mama done runned off with the UPS man.

A decent proposal, now, that would include...oh, never mind.

Posted by: SwampWoman on January 18, 2004 01:28 AM

Jim, you should know about that half....

Posted by: Da Goddess on January 18, 2004 03:09 AM

You have done a helluva job here. I love it. I nearly missed it, since I didn't have time to look around all last week. I hope Acidman keeps all these posts, they are wonderful!
And here is one more kitty picture, specially dedicated to Acidman

Posted by: Beth on January 18, 2004 08:36 AM

Oh, and Joanie - could you please send me those directions for floating pictures on the left or right? I'd truly appreciate it.

Posted by: Beth on January 18, 2004 09:14 AM
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