Gut Rumbles
 

January 16, 2004

Hello Kitty!

Disclaimer: I do not speak for all women, only a small sampling of them.

While the CatDude thinks he has a lock on what it takes to make wimmen melt under his ministrations, I have found that one of his methods is more irritating than enjoyable.

If you'd like to produce the same look on the object of your affection's face, continue reading Da Goddess' Guide to Making Your Kitten Purr
Gentleman, from this woman's experience, let us discuss the art of making a pussy purr. Call it going down, eating pussy, muff diving. cunnilingus, carpet munching, oral sex, or anything else you want. Whatever you call it, it can be a beautiful thing.

When it comes to oral sex, there is a fine line between what makes a woman feel good and what kills the moment entirely. For me, cough drops do not figure in the equation at all. (More on that in a minute.) That said, it's a personal preference. And, each woman will let you know what she finds enjoyable - if you're willing to listen.

Not all woman enjoy having a man go down on her. Why? I don't know. Perhaps they feel it's dirty down there. Or, maybe it's past experience. One or two inept men in a woman's past can turn a woman off of anything!

It has been my experience that the majority of men cannot use a finger or two on a woman's clit the way the woman herself can. If you're going to be engaging in any activity down there, I want tongue, dammit! I got fingers of my own and know how to use them. Fingers inside of me, however, are a different story and I'll elaborate on that later.

So, you're face to er...uh...pussy. Okay. Now what? Gently spread the woman open. Do not roughly grab the labia and make like you're pulling taffy. Ouch! And, NO. GENTLY spread her open and take a tentative lick. Do not act like a puppy dog and use your entire tongue! The tip. Just the tip, please.

Experiment with pressure and motion. If the woman is not giving you any help, i.e., moaning or grinding into your face, ask her. Ask her if it feels good. Any woman interested in having an orgasm should be willing to help guide you. Maybe she's not going to come right out and tell you "lick my clit harder, bad boy!" But you can encourage her to say "yes" when it feels right.

Some women have told me that they like gentle blowing on their nether regions. Okay. If that's what they like, try it. Don't blow like you're attempting to extinguish the eternal flame atop Mt. Olympus....just a little puff of air to cool and soothe the area. In between licks, of course.

This is where CatDude says he likes to use cough drops. Let me tell you something. According to the adventurous women I surveyed, 14/15 stated (emphatically!) that they have tried some sort of lozenge/cough drop/mint or something and found that it caused a most unpleasant irritation in that region. The other one...she said she tried it, wasn't irritated...but was simply unimpressed (although it did leave her husband's mouth minty fresh afterward.) For me, I prefer not to have cough drops, Lifesavers (wint-o-green, pep-o-mint, cherry, or butter rum), Tic Tacs, Sucrets, Starlight mints, serrano peppers (we'd been making chili and the residue lingers even after numerous washings), Big Red gum, Colgate/Crest/Aim/Gleem toothpaste, candy canes, Mentos, Altoids (curiously strong is curiously painful here), Certs (retsin is retsin and doesn't need to say hello to my kitty!), ZOX, Ice Breakers, Breath Savers, Cinnaburst gum, Dentyne, Dentyne Ice, Listerine, Freedent, Trident (four out of five dentists don't even use this on their wives), Starbucks After Coffee Mints, Eclipse, those little flavored dissolving strips, Red Hots, LemonHeads, lemon drops, Circus Peanuts, or any other confection come in contact with my precious flower. Nor should there be application of Vick's Vapo-Rub, Icy Hot, Ben Gay (unless he's really hot!), or other liniments to this particular region. Okay? You may want to clear it with your woman first before you try getting any one of those (or anything else) on or near her pleasure palace.

Now, you should be licking away with the tip of your tongue. Up and down, swirling, darting...whatever she indicates is most pleasurable. Here's the most important part of this lesson: once a woman says "Oh! That's it! YES!" .....keep doing that very same thing! DO NOT STOP. When a man stops doing that, it breaks the spell. Once you dive back in you're, in effect, starting all over again.

With the wonderful sensations you're creating for that little man in the canoe there, you may want to try inserting a finger into the woman. STOP! Don't jam it in there! Slide it in. Unless she tells you otherwise, of course. Maybe she'll like two or three fingers inside her. I don't know. You'll need to ask. Again, she needs to be the trail guide and you need to be the cooperative camper, okay?

By now you should have a steady rhythm going and a happy woman on your hands. Once you get to this point, it's imperative that you continue doing whatever it is that's making your lady breath faster. Remember when I told you that stopping breaks the spell? I meant it! If it means you have to endure a cramping tongue and mouth, you should be willing to do so. For the sake of your woman's pleasure. Yes, you should. Don't argue with me.

Yes. That's it! Right there.

Good.

Those fingers inside her? Remember those? Some women like them moving in and out. Some like the sensation they produce just by their presence.

You may now enjoy a post-cunnilingual smoke
Whichever it is, you'll have to take your cue from the lady in question and just keep on keepin' on, okay?

There are women who will tell you as they are approaching their orgasm. Others will not indicate anything at all. They'll just come right out and scream, whimper, cry, pull your hair, clamp those pussy muscles or thighs, pull your head closer....whatever. The point is, if you've given your woman an orgasm, let her do whatever it is that she does and be satisfied with that smile you brought to her face. She'll be purring for quite awhile afterward and that's what you meant to do in the first place, right? Now, go be a good boy and cuddle.

~ DG - helping men everywhere.

Comments

You are quite the dirty girl. Aren't you?

Posted by: _m2 on January 16, 2004 02:25 PM

Are you available for personal, hands on(tongue in clit) instructions?

Posted by: ken on January 16, 2004 02:53 PM

ROFLMAO *snort, spew, cough*
Now I don't know if I would have had the guts to post that. Are you sure you aren't in the bottle again Joanie? HEH!!

Posted by: medicmom on January 16, 2004 02:58 PM

Whew! I need a cigarette.

Posted by: Steve the Imperial Lackey on January 16, 2004 04:17 PM

Thank you, DG. You only missed one point, beard burn in the tenderest area of a woman's body.

You men, no not those with full-grown, softer beards and mustaches, but those that have stiff growth or a heavy 5-o-clock shadow, I'm talking to you. Would you like to have your erect penis rubbed with sandpaper?

I didn't think so. Shave that heavy, stiff 5-o-clock shadow off, first.

While you're into personal grooming, clean and smooth your fingernails, before thinking about entering the deepest depths of a woman.

Personally, I get turned off, because I immediately try to remember what my partner's fingernails looked like. Were they clean, smooth? Even then, unless you're straight out of a shared shower, I think germs! Where have those fingers been? Touching filthy dirty money, the rarely washed steering wheel of a car, etc.? I don't know if other women have that same reaction, maybe it's just personal with me. But I've found out that I'm not usually the only one with the same questions, but the only one who'll ask the questions out loud.

I would take a bet that other women worry about the cleanliness and smoothness of fingernails. We are the ones who have to go the to gyn and spread our knees, then take the drugs to combat a multitude of germs.

DG is right, follow the lead of your woman. I have never had children, maybe that's why two fingers just hurt! I realize that two fingers may not have the same mass as an erect penis, but the bones in fingers aren't built to be a penis.

Ask, and your partner should give you the answer.

Posted by: Ms Anna on January 16, 2004 04:54 PM

Correction:

"We are the ones who have to go to the gyn and spread our knees, ..."

Posted by: Ms Anna on January 16, 2004 04:58 PM

Re: menthol cough drops and oral sex activities

According to my ear-nose-throat specialist, menthol causes draining of the sinuses, resulting in breaking up the congestion of your sinuses.

Do you want a running nose while eating pussy or giving a blowjob?

For those of you who smoke menthol cigarettes, change to regular, and your smoker's cough will also clear up, at least some.

Posted by: Ms Anna on January 16, 2004 05:21 PM

Thanks for the public service anouncement!

Posted by: Juliette on January 17, 2004 12:29 AM

If you're going to be engaging in any activity down there, I want tongue, dammit! I got fingers of my own and know how to use them.

Damn straight. And ditto on the Altoids or other minty crap. If I wanted clean and tingly, I'd douche with mouthwash.

Oh, and might I second you on that stopping crap? Maybe guys want the moment prolonged, but I want the world and I want it now. And it damn well better be delivered on the tip of a willing tongue.

Posted by: Venomous Kate on January 17, 2004 12:47 AM

All I can say is WOW!!!!! I need a cold shower after reading that.

And where's Allah? I'd thought for sure he'd be all over this by now...

Posted by: DaveM on January 17, 2004 04:31 AM

Well, reading this confirms that I had a good teacher at age 15. Now I know why my wife calls me "a lesbian in a man's body:" ;-)

Posted by: Mike on January 17, 2004 09:10 AM

OMG where was this when I got married to a BITER! LMAO

Yeah, hello.. I don't use my teeth on you, please don't use them on me!! And don't act like a hoover vacuum reject either..LMAO Lord.. hehehehehe

Thank you for the tutorial, I shall pass it along to my next applicant :)

Posted by: cutetxblonde on January 19, 2004 02:20 PM

DG,

Thanxth for thith excellenth posth. I followth your directhions to a tee andth I musth thay the wife is ethstaticth.

Posted by: Val on January 20, 2004 05:23 PM
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