January 15, 2004
SPIDERS AND CATS
Listen up, you pukes I fondly called my friends once upona. You owe me after enabling this cat pic bullshit, and egging on the
large-breasted bionic dick-deprived hottie debauching my site with your slavering comments.
So: meet Spider. He's a cliff diver at Rick's. Actually, he's a tree leaper. The cliff is 36 feet high, which makes for a nice, remunerative dive, if the college girls have their wallets out. The tree branches are 70 feet high, though, which makes for a nut-clinching jump, and mo' money.
That's hard work. He has to stay in shape. He needs protein, and lots of it. Fortunately, Negril has a surplus of stray cats. High protein and low fat, and they don't bite like dogs.
I figure Spider goes through four cats a week. That's impressive, but at that rate he won't even depopulate my freaking website.
I need community assistance. Help me out. Round up some strays, and send them to Spider. I've found you can blanch the bastards in boiling water, and seal them in the freezer-proof ZipLocs. Spidey likes the hair off, but he'll take them as they come.
To this purpose I've founded yet another NGO, Catflayers Without Borders. Think hard, and reach deep. Help me keep Spider in full vigor, and rid the Western Hemisphere of the filthy scourge of felines. I ask it.
No, dammit, you backstabbers, I demand it.
Hey now....this is what happens when I can't go globe-trotting with you! Had you seen fit to come west instead of heading south, none of this would ever have had to happen.
And, it's all your fault. If you'd stocked this place with something more than white zin, I wouldn't be so fucking drunk right now!
Precisely how drunk are you, if I may be so bold as to ask? Perhaps I should devise a scale:
Very drunk: V-Man scores; Pretty drunk: V-Man scores; Somewhat drunk: V-Man scores. Not very drunk: V-Man scores.
Works for me.
Hmmmmmmm. Now THAT picture is definitely interesting. Yesssss.
Squishy drunk and loving it!
Does that work for you?
"I need community assistance. Help me out. Round up some strays, and send them to Spider. I've found you can blanch the bastards in boiling water, and seal them in the freezer-proof ZipLocs. Spidey likes the hair off, but he'll take them as they come."
You mean Spidey has never had insomnia in front of late night TV and become the proud owner of a Seal-A-Meal? That's the only way to store a cat (and the occasional dead lamb that needs to be transported to the state lab for necropsy but the bastards won't be open until Monday and they don't want it to go into the freezer because it might kill the pathogens. I really prefer they have the full effect of the odors and I don't want to appreciate them during transport). Heh. Now that I know about Spidey, I will have a place to dispose of my excess inventory.
I had to start writing stuff down that I wanted to buy in the early morning hours and wai until morning because I find I'm REAL impressionable at 3 a.m. and lots of bad ideas get processed as great ideas (see old boyfriends). I have a rotozip with all the attachments (okay, that wasn't too bad). The Seal-A-Meal. Various gizmos and gadgets that I hadn't bought previously because I don't need them but I think I do at 3 a.m.
"I figure Spider goes through four cats a week. That's impressive, but at that rate he won't even depopulate my freaking website."
Spider consumes four pussys a week? So that's how he looks so fit.