Gut Rumbles

January 07, 2004

as long as I am being trashed...

Do you know what I find really sexy? It ain't perfume and it ain't make-up. I LIKE the smell and the taste of a sweaty woman.

Wimmen put out a musk that drives me in to warp factor 10 lust when they SMELL LIKE A SWEATY WOMAN. I don't know why, but I got-dam guarantee you that Chanel #5 won't get the same result.

I believe that we are pre-programmed as a race to be attracted to the scent of the opposite sex as a way to perpetuate our species. I'm not talking about STINK; I'm talking about aroma. There is a difference.

One thing that drives me absolutely bullshit is any guy or any woman who douses in cologne or perfume and then sits next to me ANYWHERE. I can't smoke on a goddam airplane, but I had to ride from Puerto Rico to Miami sitting next to a guy who must have poured an entire bottle of English Leather over his head that morning. That motherfucker almost gassed me to death. He didn't smell like a man. He smelled like the perfume counter at Belks Department Store.

I don't wear cologne. I don't use after-shave. I BATHE! Then, I use Old Spice stick deodorant, and that's just enough to separate the aroma of a man from the stink. That's the way I see it, and that's the way I do it. If you don't like my opinion, you can kiss my cranky Cracker ass. But leave off the goddam cologne the next time you ride with me on an airplane, asshole.

Fuck perfumes. Give me natural musk any time.



Posted by: DavidB on January 7, 2004 07:54 PM

I remember being a little kid, and my mother and I were sitting in a corner of a doughnut shop. Across the store, the door opened and a teenage guy walked in. Within two seconds, he overpowered the aroma of an entire doughnut shop with his cologne. Idiot.

Posted by: G-Fry on January 7, 2004 08:17 PM

And my old lady gives me hail about wanting to smell her armpits, and her bellybutton.

Go figger.

- D

Posted by: Donnie on January 7, 2004 11:38 PM

What is it that makes people think that a liberal smattering of perfume before boarding the bus is a good idea? Maybe If they knew how close their perfume comes to making me hurl down the back of their neck it would be different.

Dropdown oxygen masks might help.

The oxygen would also be appreciated by us air breathers who find the O2 levels stiflingly low during the final approach into the city. Why dont people at least open the vents?

Posted by: Grinder on January 8, 2004 04:54 AM

I've never understood why some folks feel the need to marinate in cologne and perfume. Too much of either one on a plane is bad, but I once flew 2 hours next to a woman who was using nail polish remover and then painted her nails right next to me. Gag me.

Posted by: Alaska Kim on January 8, 2004 11:17 AM

I would rather smell a fart, instead of perfume any day, a fart leaves in minutes, perfume lasts all day .

Posted by: Catfish on January 8, 2004 01:17 PM

I wore a suit to a lunch meeting today. I was freshly showered. Even took the time to apply some makeup I found in the cabinet.

When shaking hands when I was leaving, I exclaimed "*Jane! How are you!!" She looked up at me blankly, and said "*Jane Collins, so nice tewmeetchu". We left the meeting, and my friend was busting a gut. "She didn't have the first CLUE who you were! I can't BELIEEEEVE it! She has only interviewed you about what, 10 times?"

I said "I didn't get it either, but then there were a couple of tradesmen that walked right past and didn't even say hey. It musta been the suit and makeup." For *Jane, she usually interviews me for the fair when I'm covered with 3 different types of animal shit and hay is hanging out of my hair. The builders have usually seen me so covered with sweat that it looks like I'm the next contestant in a wet T-shirt contest and I used to have concrete slowly solidifying on my boots and hands and flaking off onto the floor with little muted plops.

I guess I didn't smell bad enough to be recognized as me today.

*The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Posted by: SwampWoman on January 8, 2004 08:10 PM

Hear, hear. You hit the nail on the head. I have allergies and when people hose themselves down with cologne or perfume, it shuts down my breathing. I am always tempted to light a match next to them and see if they go up like a pan of gas.
They ought to put bomb-bay doors on airplanes. Then have a flight attendant go by with a sniffer. If the sniffer redlines, the passenger gets a guest seat on the bay doors. You know what happens next.

Posted by: Wichi Dude on January 8, 2004 08:47 PM

Might have known you were an Old Spice man....


Posted by: Kim du Toit on January 9, 2004 12:58 AM

Wichi Dude, talk about allergies to perfumes! I stayed as far away from one of my former co-workers as I could because my lungs would literally feel like I had inhaled thousands of pins, leading to coughing so hard I'd vomit.

Posted by: Ms Anna on January 9, 2004 01:33 AM

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