Gut Rumbles

December 18, 2003

buying tampons

Attention, men: Have you ever gone to the store and bought tampons for your wife? Did you feel embarassed when you did it?

Well, I have, and I didn't.

I even fucked up once and grabbed a box that didn't pick up on the scanner at the cash register. The woman cashier announced over the intercom, "I need a price check on Tampax "Bleeding Like a Stuck Hog" tampons on register three!" I just stood there and grinned until some pimply-faced boy emerged from one of the aisles and announced the price at the top of his voice while he waved a box in his hand.

Maybe I need to clarify this story. My wife did NOT run out of tampons. But supplies were low, she was beginning the moon-cycle and I was going to the store anyway. That trip wasn't the first time I bought feminine hygene products. Hell, I bought some kind of "Wash Your Pussy With THIS and Smell Like Fresh Flowers Forever" douche for her on one of those trips. None of that shit ever bothered me.

But I always made her write down EXACTLY what she wanted. I didn't mind buying it for her, but I am as clueless as they come when I hit that feminine hygene aisle. I don't understand that shit, and left to my own devices, I might come home with a box of 20-mule-team Borax instead of that "Smell Like A Flower" douche. I might come home with a bale of hay instead of tampons.

But I never minded buying the right stuff.


You and Robert Earl Keen...."Merry Xmas from the Family" mentions the dreaded T word.

Posted by: Jane on December 18, 2003 08:26 AM

"Always" has little symbols on the package now, if I ever had to send my husband out to get them I'd just say "I need Spades". Hearts, Diamonds and Clubs are also some of the symbols. Coincidence?

I'd never send him out to get those though, but it's nice knowing he would.

Posted by: JJ on December 18, 2003 08:53 AM

Now there speaks a man who is secure in his masculinity. There aren't too many left.

Posted by: Morpheus on December 18, 2003 08:56 AM

Yep, I make her spell out exactly what she wants. No getting hosed here for not being able to mindread.

Posted by: JSAllison on December 18, 2003 09:17 AM

Mmmm in retrospect, maybe the 20 mule team Borax would have been better? LOL

Posted by: delftsman3 on December 18, 2003 10:23 AM

Reminds me of the time the clerk got on the PA and asked for a price check on Tampax. The stock boy misunderstood, thought she said thumbtacks, and answered loudly on the PA: "You want the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you knock in with a hammer?"


Posted by: Kerry on December 18, 2003 11:04 AM

A real man wouldn't mind buying those things. Hell, he'd hold them up high in the store and go "Yeah, that's right. I got a woman!"

Posted by: DeAnna on December 18, 2003 11:32 AM

Reminds me of a story I once heard about a man whose wife sent him to the store to buy tampons and he came back with a boat.
Apparently the sales clerk was so savvy he managed to convince the guy that (since his weekend was fucked) he may as well go fishing!

Posted by: pete on December 18, 2003 12:31 PM


Posted by: Jett on December 18, 2003 02:23 PM

My husband (bless his heart) would NEVER buy anything remotely feminine and intimate if his life depended on it. Never has. Never will. He is just too embarrassed.

This is the same man that has sent me up to tractor parts places for nonexistent parts that had the parts guys and the rest of the customers rolling on the floors laughing and wiping tears from their eyes. Go figure.

Posted by: SwampWoman on December 18, 2003 02:35 PM

You mentioned approaching the counter with a basketful. Well....
I bought into the stories that back in the States there was something called "free love" and lots of it while I was in Viet Nam. When I returned, I expected to find something like WWII where there weren't enough guys to go around. And, even not tall, not handsome, not rich guys could score regularly.
With that kind of action to be expected and before returning, I bought a box about the size of one of those Lipton tea bag party packs.
Idle dreaming, I assure you. Years later, I still had most of the pack.
Mostly in jest, I decided that they hadn't sent enough of us over there.

Posted by: Woody on December 18, 2003 02:55 PM

Hi Clueless,
You could START by learning how to spell hygiene. ; )

I'm impressed that you're willing to go.

My child ended up needing to stay in the hospital longer than I did after her birth.

I refused to go home, but I needed supplies. He would NOT buy them. He made me HOBBLE across the street to the convenience store to get them myself.

Posted by: Key on December 18, 2003 04:21 PM

Glad to hear that I'm not the only one that this doesn't bother.
What I've never been able to understand is why former girlfriends, and now my wife, have always asked "...won't you be embarassed to buy them for me?"
Huh? Why WOULD I be. It's not like I'm gettin' 'em for myself!!

Posted by: Fish on December 18, 2003 04:32 PM

In a similar vein, anytime I'm picking up something at the Home Despot for a gentleman friend, I ALWAYS have him write down EXACTLY what I want. When I'm staring down those endless bins of nails and screws or PVC connectors, it's all Greek to me!

Posted by: dragonfly jenny on December 18, 2003 05:31 PM

Maxipads make the best bicycle helmet forehead pads. They spent a zillion dollars in research to make them work; versus zero spent on helmet pads. If you ride over a bump, sweat pours into your eyes, in the bicycle original pads.

Just choose a different brand from any females in the household or you'll be accused of stealing.

Posted by: Ron Hardin on December 18, 2003 06:09 PM

Dear Glenn:

My Daddy said it best; many; many; years ago -- "Son; FEAR ANYTHING that bleeds for a week and doesn't DIE."



Posted by: Will on December 18, 2003 07:41 PM

It never bothered me. I always smiled at the cashier and said: "They're not for me". Which they reply "I kind of figured that, sir".

Problem solved and another awkward moment diffused. :0)

Posted by: -=e=- on December 18, 2003 09:49 PM

My mother got a tad embarrassed when I was about 9. I looked at a box she took out of the groceries, and the text said "Modess... because".

"Because why, mom?" It was then that I learnt about "monthlies", "the curse", etc.

A friend of mine with a VERY twisted sense of humor did up a fake press release stating that US Robotics had bought out Kimberly - Clark's hygeine products line. The ad campaigns were also linked up. The result was an ad for USR that read "Modems.. because.".

Posted by: bear, the (one each) on December 19, 2003 12:00 AM

Lady to stock boy in store: "Young man, where are your sanitary napkins?" Stock boy: "Ma'am ALL our napkins are sanitary."

Posted by: Larry on December 19, 2003 09:27 AM

my boyfriend has been to the store on several occasions to buy me feminine products. he doesn't care one bit.

Posted by: girl on December 19, 2003 04:54 PM

Hey, I walked into the store to get my girl some Tampax Pearl or whatever the hell they are and I must've been about 19 and it was some 16 year old girl and I told her I was buying them just in case I ever got a period.

Posted by: Rob on January 17, 2004 07:16 PM

I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them.

Posted by: Sorel Katherine on May 3, 2004 12:40 PM
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