Gut Rumbles

December 01, 2003


I've known a lot of wimmen in my life and they all shared one common trait. NOT A SINGLE ONE was comfortable with her physical appearance.

I've lain in bed with a woman so beautiful that she made by heart beat like a rabbit's in a field-trap while she told me 100 things she believed was WRONG with the way she looked. I never understood that womanly trait.

Men don't dwell on such things. Being the swine that we are, we're just happy to keep some hair on our heads and remember to wipe our asses after we take a shit. I never look in the mirror and worry about my physical flaws. In my mind, I have none, except for the gray silver hair. And even THAT is not a flaw-- it's just a sign that Father Time is running me down.

I know that society sets standards of beauty higher for wimmen than it does for men. All wimmen are supposed to resemble super-models, yeah, yeah, yeah. I disagree. A goddam super-model will bore you to death reciting 100 things that SHE sees wrong with her body, too.

One of the sexiest things I ever saw was Jennifer washing her car one hot summer day on the mini-farm. She had soap suds on her hands and sweat dripping off her nose. She wore a tank-top and cut-off blue jeans. She was barefoot. I was sitting on the tailgate of my truck while drinking a beer. I became horny.

When she was finished washing the car, I walked over and kissed her. "Let's go upstairs and make love," I suggested.

"I STINK and I'm all sweaty," she replied.

"You've never looked better to me in your life. I'll lick the sweat off you. Just put down the washrag and let's go upstairs. Right now." I grabbed her hand.

"Let me take a shower first and fix my hair. I look like shit."

"That's not what I want. I want you just the way you are."

She allowed me to have my way, but I don't believe that she felt comfortable about it. We had excellent, sweaty sex, but I could tell that she felt less than womanly because she didn't have a chance to shower and perfume first.

Wimmen, let Acidman tell you something. You don't need a perfect body to be beautiful. You don't need to smell like perfume to be sexy. Pure, hot, summer woman-sweat is one of the most powerful aphrodiesiacs I've ever known. Wimmen smell good to me when they sweat.

They taste good, too.

Forget looking into the mirror and counting your flaws, wimmen! Just look into your lover's eyes and let yourself go.


God bless you, Acidman.

Posted by: Lawren on December 1, 2003 05:26 AM

Damn! Just damn it! You're too far away right this minute!

Posted by: Lady Mae on December 1, 2003 06:39 AM


Posted by: Brett on December 1, 2003 07:04 AM

We are such vain creatures . . Nevertheless, no matter how much the hubby begs, I really love to shower first, that somehow puts me at ease and I just get lost in the moment.

Posted by: Anna on December 1, 2003 07:52 AM

I must be an exception of sorts among men. I see pictures of myself and almost invariably think I look horrible and ugly.

Yet, I know what you mean about women being a total turn on when they think they are dirty and disgusting and ugly. Which sometimes makes me do a sanity check about my own reservations.

Posted by: Jay Solo on December 1, 2003 08:27 AM

I don't have the slender, lithe body that is so allegedly desirable in our society, but I like it. It's strong and feminine, and darn if it doesn't look fertile.

As for looking sexy, well, I have never in my long twenty-year life felt so sexy and feminine as when I was either up to my elbows in the sink or out in the woods stacking six-foot logs that my dad couldn't lift*.

*(to be fair, he's got a game leg.)

Posted by: Joanna L. on December 1, 2003 08:42 AM

MB had what Joanna L. described above as a "lithe and slender" shape for about only 2 years of her adult life; after that, things went a bit awry, and continued to do so onward. Just for the sake of wishing it were still so is what irritates most women...for what was lost.

Posted by: MommaBear on December 1, 2003 08:58 AM

Amazing isn't it? The more a man loves a woman, the better she looks to him.

He sees her through his heart, not merely his eyes.

It's very simple, really. Sexy IS as sexy DOES. Conversely, beauty isn't always sexy.

I've seen beautiful women with less appeal than a bag fulla snakes. Their black heart shows through their eyes; you just know they're pure poison.

Some women sneak up on you though. In good ways. You've known 'em for years and became used to the label you've always known 'em by. Friend. Coworker. Cashier.

Then one day, the sun hit's 'em just right, and you see her for the first time, again.

I like that feeling.

Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on December 1, 2003 09:47 AM

Damn! I like Jim.

Posted by: sugarmama on December 1, 2003 10:19 AM


I've had several female friends and an ex-wife who wouldn't believe it when you told them they looked good. It just flat couldn't be true because "I'm too (fill in the blanks).

And one of them really messed herself up with diet pills trying to lose 'that last 10 pounds I need to drop'. Bullshit, she looked great. But she wouldn't believe it.

Posted by: Mark on December 1, 2003 10:57 AM

I like you more and more each day. How comforting to know that a man can love unconditionally. You have a lot of traits I admire in a man and hell I just enjoy what comes out of your brain.Sometimes I feel a bit of jealousy and I don't know why.

Posted by: Lexia on December 1, 2003 11:03 AM

i'm with you brother.......

Posted by: eric on December 1, 2003 11:35 AM

tho you're right, you're too gracious towards a gender that doesn't have the capacity for grace. 'they' don't listen and never will.

Posted by: Horse with no-- on December 1, 2003 09:26 PM

I have to agree with Jim. There are a lot of things that go into making a woman sexy and appealing. I've been around women that by any impartial standard would have to be considered beautiful but they don't do a thing for me. I've also seen women that a lot of guys wouldn't give a second glance at that get my juices flowing like a torrent. Go figure.

I like contrast in a woman..strong but somehow vulnerable....funny but contemplative and thoughtful.

You're right A-Man. I've never known a women in my 42 years that didn't complain about her body. Some of them were drop-dead, sexy, and gorgeous.

Once again..go figure.

Posted by: Brian on December 2, 2003 02:47 AM

The wife doesn't believe I think she's beautiful. She requires that I tell her. I tell her she's cute, that she has a nice [insert any body part except feet, which I think are icky], etc... she says "you never say I'm beautiful." I tell her she looks good when we're naked in bed. She doesn't agree.

Women. Whaddaya gonna do?

Posted by: J on December 2, 2003 09:45 AM

Wimmin focus on their appearance because men are visually oriented. Unfortunately, we, being the obsessive, competitive, perfectionist creatures that we are, completely misunderstood what "visuals" you guys are turned on by. We missed the fact that you guys mostly just think women are beautiful, especially naked women.

Just keep saying it over and over. Eventually we'll get it.

Posted by: shell on December 2, 2003 01:49 PM

Wimmen obsess about these things because we hear the things that men say: e.g. Ann Coulter is too scrawny; Jennifer Lopez' butt is too big.

Well, to quote Dax, just damn! Please, wonderful men, make up your flockin mind!

I exercise to please me, to like what I see in the mirror. If some guy likes it too, its icing.

Posted by: Juliette on December 2, 2003 05:24 PM

All women are beautiful. Some are more beautiful than others.

Posted by: Larry on December 3, 2003 09:57 AM

Juliette beat me to it. Too many guys DON'T say things like your statement and in my personal experience, although I'm not large at all, I have been dumped more than once for a skeleton. So, I'm not buying that "guys don't like the skin and bones"...toss Playboy and strip joints in there....not a lot of bigger girls featured in either one of those.

Having learned the hard way, I now do whatever I do for me. I'm done trying to please someone else. It's impossible to please everyone.

Posted by: Serenity on December 3, 2003 03:55 PM

I'll decide what in whom I find sexy, thank you very much--just like everybody else.

And ladies, if you doubt your man's sincerity, that's reason for him to doubt the value of the relationship.

Posted by: Brett on December 4, 2003 06:21 PM
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