Gut Rumbles

November 20, 2003

Sorry housekeeper

I look around my house sometimes and I want to puke. This place looks worse than Fido's ass and I have no excuse for allowing it to be that way. It's not as if I don't have the time to clean house anymore. I have the time. I just half-ass the work. I am no good at that shit.

I believe that my house has been nice and well-kept twice during the past year. One time happened when Recondo 32 and his lovely wife, Georgia, came to visit and she couldn't stand the mess. She cussed me for every kind of pig under the sun and cleaned my house in a frenzy. She had it looking good in less than an hour.

The other time was when Jack's oldest sister, Hillary, wanted to make some spending money. I paid her $10 to cut my grass one Saturday and let her use my riding lawn mower, so she recognized me for the lazy sucker that I am. She showed up on Sunday wanting another job to do. I told her that would pay her another $10 if she cleaned my kitchen and Quinton's room. She did.

She was finished in 30 minutes and everything looked GREAT. How do wimmen do stuff like that? Hillary is only 10 years old, but she already has the knack. I really believe that the housekeeping gene is born in ALL wimmen, but it does not exist in heterosexual men. Wimmen know "neat" and they know how to make it so, quickly.

I fucking don't. I can clean my house for two hours and it STILL looks like Fido's ass.

I'm happy if I don't have any empty beer cans on the coffee table. I'll leave the half-full one there for two days, because I'm not finished with that one yet, but I'm afraid to drink it for fear that I threw a cigarette butt in it. But I don't throw it away. I usually have at least two pairs of shoes on the floor and at least three pairs of socks scattered around them. I have a bad habit of getting out of the shower, wrapping myself in a towel and walking to the living room to watch Fox News in the morning.

I take off the towel, toss it on a chair and leave it there. I forget all about it until I am out of clean towels.

If a burglar broke into my home and ransacked the place while I was away, I might not notice for a week. The place appears recently ransacked all the time and I seldom can find any of my shit in this mess except my guns and my guitars when I go looking for them. Bejus! We won't even talk about some of the vile things I drag by tongs from the rear of the refrigerator about once every month. That Food Becoming Alive stuff is really disgusting.

I am a man. I am a slob. I am a pig.

I believe that I come by those traits naturally.


Oh, let's REALLY not make this a gender thing.

Okay, like being a guy gives you the right.

I hate it, too. I'd rather work three minimum wage jobs and PAY someone else to do the housework.

As it stands, I do MOST of it, then I pay someone to come in twice a month for the heavy duty stuff.

Posted by: Key on November 20, 2003 06:46 PM

Was that a "poor old fart, me" asking for help, from a red toenailed female?

Posted by: Ms Anna on November 20, 2003 06:50 PM

I hate to admit it but that sounds excatly like the place I "live" in...

Not sure what the laws are in your fine State, but here in Michigan, we have to pay a deposit on our liquid consumables and thus, I can't quickly dispose of the liquid consumables containers in the trash without taking a sigifincant hit in the pocket book at $.10 per container. Thus, they hang around in garbage bags until I get so disgusted with myself that I go to the grocery store and return them and get half off my groceries with the bottle return credit. I miss my life in Ohio when I could simply throw the darn things out in the trash. Since I have moved here, I have become a pig of the first order. It's to the point, I need at least a day's notice before anyone can come over. And there aren't any up and coming women who would like to clean because it is now officially "Winter" in Michigan...which can vary from 10 to 60 F in the course of 24 hours.

So where can one find a red toenailed female to fix things probably 38 minutes or less that would proably take me a good two weeks if not more?

Posted by: James on November 20, 2003 07:05 PM

A-Man...keeping house is definitely NOT a 'wimmen' thing. MB has hated housework since a very young age. She would LOVE to have someone come in to do it, but fiscal constraints don't permit. Therefore, she does it about as reluctantly as you.

Posted by: MommaBear on November 20, 2003 07:36 PM

Rob, I can sure relate, and I WISH I had a talented neighbor girl-kid who'd work for cheap like that.

I do the boat-cleaning mostly on Sundays. It's amazing though, just how BADLY it can come to NEED it 'round about Thursday.

Living in such a compact space, every shirt left off the hangar, every bottle left un-trashed can become a major clutter-bomb. Staying ahead of that is important. If that clutter ever hits critical-mass, I'm afraid of the resulting chain reaction.

Martha Stewart would mutiny, I'm sure.

Sloop New Dawn
Galveston, TX

Posted by: Jim on November 20, 2003 08:21 PM

I believe it is gender specific. Men are good at fixing cars, and women are good at cleaning houses. That's just the way it is. Now, here's a tip for you men who may want to do a better job around the house, like if you are single and hope to get some eventually: don't just pick stuff up from one room and place it in another room. This just moves the clutter; it does not clean anything. Also, clearing a path from the bathroom sink to the toilet does not count as cleaning the place. Ditto for the stray hairs that litter the vanity (that piece of counter surrounding the bathroom sink). Good luck, men!

Posted by: Renee on November 20, 2003 09:00 PM

This calls for a visit from the Fab 5 "Queer EYE for a STRAIGHT Guy. You sound like a good candidate or just some woman with red toenails that has alot of patience and creativity

Posted by: Lexia on November 20, 2003 09:06 PM

Your house sounds like my apartment!

I used to not let things get quite so out of hand, but man, I have gotten so lazy or blog-obsessed or unhappy or something the past few years, and just stopped bothering much.

I definitely need a wife or something. Or at least some motivation!

As for the returnables, I generate a ton of empty cans at the office, and end up with large numbers of big green trash bags full of them, $7-8 a bag worth, that it's like pulling teeth for me to get around to turning in for the cash. It's pretty pathetic.

Posted by: Jay Solo on November 20, 2003 09:34 PM

I am a heterosexual male...

But I'm an ex Marine, and I KNOW how to clean.

I give my place a good once-over every Sunday while playing devil music too loud.

Posted by: GORDON on November 20, 2003 11:28 PM

apparently I wasn't born with that gene b/c I fucking hate cleaning and I totally suck at it.

Posted by: girl on November 20, 2003 11:30 PM

Me too! I clean only on threat of death. I'm not very good at it either. I can spend the whole day, sorting and polishing, and tossing stuff out, and my house still looks like ass. My boyfriend is way better at it than I am, though he'll only do it when he can't stand the mess anymore. He's a manly man who just happened to be raised by a military dad who made him clean. Yeah for me!

Posted by: JaxVenus on November 20, 2003 11:41 PM

Exactly...and that's why there's never be a show called "straight eye for the queer guy".

Posted by: Jane Finch on November 21, 2003 07:37 AM

When I was married, two part-time jobs, part-time graduate student working on a M.A., I scheduled a Tupperware party once a year so that I would get the deep Spring Cleaning done. Otherwise, if it was neat and I couldn't write my name in the dust, there were just too many other obligations.

As far as gender goes, I ended up gassing up both of our cars, most of the time, changed the oil and oil filters on both, too. Etc., etc. I finally got tired of "raising" him, being his mother/father. I decided I'd rather take care of just myself.

My mother and father raised us (3 daughters and 1 son) with the life skills of both "genders."

I'll confess, I know how to negotiate when buying a car, but just having a man along when purchasing a car sure helps get the best deal, quicker. He doesn't have to say anything, but just be there. Go figure.

Posted by: Ms Anna on November 21, 2003 07:41 AM

One of the biggest lies in the Universe: Men are good at fixing cars, and women are good at cleaning houses. That's just the way it is. NO IT ISN'T !!

MB would MUCH rather fix a car than clean house, and she knows how to fix one. She IS a women, but with different interests than some; in other words, she's also a person.

Posted by: MommaBear on November 21, 2003 07:57 AM

Dude, I'm female, and while I know how to clean, I don't like doing it.

I also have such tiny toenails that there's no point painting them. The first three on each foot have just enough space to show a little color, but the fourth ones are almost smaller than the little polish brush, and sometimes I can't ever see the pinky ones. It's kinda sad, really.

Posted by: Joanna L. on November 21, 2003 08:35 AM

That cleaning gene skipped me. I have no choice but to clean since the hubby tends to be a clean freak. By the way, the fixing car gene skipped the hubby as well.

Posted by: Anna on November 21, 2003 09:03 AM

I am a clean freak. Both at home and at work. I clean my house top to bottom every weekend, and I do it myself because even if my hubby did help out, it wouldn't be done the way I want it done so I'd rather do it myself. I can't stand clutter, it drives me nuts. Both my hubby and my son know the rule: If whatever it is (newspapers, etc.) sit in any one place for more than 2 days, it'll get thrown in the garbage. No matter what it is.

Posted by: Alaska Kim on November 21, 2003 01:15 PM

Yeah. You're right. In the last year it's been Georgia who's attempted the cleaning. However, go slightly more than a year back, and I DID don the HazMat suit for you. Hell, it needed to be done if I was going to stay there.

Except...I DID leave your bathroom alone - as promised.

Posted by: Da Goddess on November 21, 2003 03:46 PM

I play German (&Swedish) classic march music over the stereo, somehow it helps me clean and not get distracted. That military beat I guess.

Music to clean by. Who knew?

JF Souza doesn't work the same, it's too damn mushy sounding.

Also do one room at a time, top to bottom. Do not start one room and get 1/2 way and then get distract by vacuuming in the other.

Posted by: Fred on November 21, 2003 04:37 PM

Give it up A-Man. There are people out there who need to make a living doin' what you need done. That's how you need to look at having someone in to clean. I think once you hire someone, you'll wonder why you didn't do it earlier.

Posted by: Diane K on November 21, 2003 05:37 PM

I've been doing all the housework since I was 9...And my sister has done the housework since she learned to walk (We were separated, she stayed with my parents and they are slobs.)

To us, it's just second nature. And we do damn good cleaning jobs.

Someone once told me "You must like cleaning!" My honest answer was that it's not that I like or dislike it, it's just something I am gifted at.

And now here I am in Sonoma Valley, Ca (wine country), where just about everyone is rich and spoiled and hate to clean... And you can see where this is going... ;)

Maybe I just like the physical work? Sometimes I feel like nothing feels better than coming home physically exhausted, knowing that you accomplished something. That you made someone's life cleaner or easier.

Or maybe I'm just weird... :D

Posted by: Tina on November 21, 2003 06:21 PM

Well I just play at cleaning Rob's place my own is a true disaster zone go figger.

Posted by: Georgia on November 22, 2003 12:16 PM

It's never right to say always, and always wrong to say never.

Posted by: Posniak Beth on December 10, 2003 08:11 PM

Those whose paths are not the same do not consult one another.

Posted by: Williamson Zach on December 20, 2003 10:45 PM

Fashion exists for women with no taste, etiquette for people with no breeding.

Posted by: Gologor Matthew on January 9, 2004 10:31 PM

I believe that all government is evil, and that trying to improve it is largely a waste of time.

Posted by: Munisteri Ben on March 17, 2004 09:30 AM

Ideas on Earth are badges of friendship or enmity.

Posted by: Pulcifer Jeremy on April 28, 2004 01:18 PM
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