November 12, 2003
wanting what you can't have
If you haven't noticed, I am in a shitty mood today. I don't care who I piss off and I'm ready for a fight. I don't care where the fight comes from. I'm dying to pick one.
I did a lot of thinking last night and I didn't like where my thoughts led me. I've always seen life as a battle of the good guys versus the bad guys, and I always counted myself on the side of the good guys. Hell, I'll be the first person to tell you that IF EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD BEHAVED THE WAY I DO, THIS WOULD BE A CIVILIZED PLANET!
Suppose you looked around one day and found yourself on the wrong side of the fence? You're suddenly over there with the bad guys and you want MORE of what you found there. When I saw where I was, I knew that I couldn't stay there. I didn't want to be there in the first place and I WON'T go there any more. I am just not built that way. I jumped back to the right side of the fence as quickly as I could.
I look over that fence and I like what I see on the other side. I wish that I could have it. But I have no business being over there. I don't belong on that side of the fence. I know my place and I also know now that I can't be comfortable anywhere else.
I am what I am. After 51 years of life, I understand that fact now.
I'll look over that fence, but I'll never cross it again.
(Yeah, there's an allegory alert here)
Sounds to me as if some troll or three out there needs to give thanks to Almighty God that Rob let his finger offa the trigger JUST BARELY in time.
This comment of course, comes with it's own Alllegory Alert, at no extra charge.
Rob, don't let the bass terds get'cha down, bro.
Sloop New Dawn
Now I'm curious. In what way were you on the "wrong side of the fence"? I thought I was caught up on all the posts, but I'm lost here.
Regardless, many people go through their entire lives never understanding what I refer to as the "Popeye Principle": I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam. Once you stop struggling with your nature and accept who you are, it's amazing the amount of energy you now have that you're not wasting fighting yourself.
Rob, I just hope you like yourself. It seems that you do, but occasionally a demon seems to peer out between the lines of your blog.
I believe in doing the right thing. Regardless of how I come across on this blog, I have a conscience.
I caught myself doing something that I know is wrong. I stopped dead in my tracks once I realized where I was. I backed up from there.
I'm beginning to realize that I don't know how to handle all of this free time I have now. If I don't watch my ass, I'll do something stupid.
I don't want to do that.
Hang in there, Rob.
You know, I always tell my wife, "If everyone was just like me the planet would be a lot better off . . ."
Time's like whiskey; having lots of it is not bad per se, just gotta know how to handle it.
Okay, I'll shut up.
You've been off the zin on gin, that's all.
Focus on what is really important - your son. Whatever you are tempted to do, just think of him. How will it affect him? Your every action must revolve around that precept. Nothing else matters, in the long run.
Do whatever it takes to keep that in mind - even if you have to resort to your own personal mantra..."for my son" will do. Write it down and put it whereever your eye will fall on it when temptation hits.
Too much free time isn't always a good thing. I do understand.
p.s. you'd best check your comments section on "Shouldn't I, or shouldn't I"....