Gut Rumbles

November 12, 2003

dumbfuck names

I've lived my entire life being named Robert Smith. I have always hated that name. I didn't hate it because I wasn't proud of it. Hell, that was my daddy's name and the name of HIS DADDY before him and they both were fine men. I hated it because the name was just so goddam ordinary.

I get mail and phone calls all the time from people looking for a "Robert Smith" who isn't me. I wish I had a different name. I like "Acidman."

When I named my son, I picked a distinctive, Southern name for him. He is Quinton Robert Smith. His initials will never embarrass him (QRS) and he will never sit in a row of THREE Robert Smiths the way I did in school, when we were seated in alphabetical order by MIDDLE INITIAL, for crying out loud. I hope that I spared him some of what I endured in my life.

Plus, I never expected the world to change to suit my boy. I expect HIM to adapt to whatever the world throws his way. I just tried to start him down the proper path by giving him a good name to go by.

That's why I don't understand ANY parent who inflicts a HORRIBLE NAME on a newborn baby. Why would any sane person name a child "Abdul-el Jazzarra?" WTF were you thinking when you cursed your child that way? Want him to go far in life? Want him to succeed? Then GIVE HIM THAT FUCKING NAME, YOU IGNORANT ASSWIPE!

Yeah, that'll work if he has an NBA basketball career. Otherwise, you fucked that kid right from the cradle. He'd be a lot better off being a Robert Smith.

Why do some parents come up with names such as "Theron" and "La'Misha" and "De'Wantaine" for their children? Got-Damn! If you're going to give your children a clown-name, why not just call them "Soda Cracker" or "Hood Ornament?" Try "Shithead." Yeah, I saw that one once, and I was told right away that it was pronounced "Shith-HEED." Sure looked like "shit-head" to me. Isn't that one hell of a name to give a child?

I would never name a child of mine "Irving." That name sucks. I've never liked the name "Harvey." I'm not fond of "Corky," either. But I would die and go to hell before I would name a son of mine "Rasheed."

Robert Smith is a common name. But I'll bet that you find more "Rasheeds" in prison than you do Robert Smiths. I don't know that for a fact, but I'm willing to bet you that I'm right.

Robert Smiths have fathers. A lot of Rasheeds don't.

Rasheed sure is a pretty name, isn't it? It's almost as pretty as Shithead.


I wrote a post for Carnival of the Capitalists about this. BusinessWeek published an article written by a business professor. He stated that those with unusual names have difficulty getting called in for interviews - much less being hired. He suggested the way to fix this problem was to better educate those of low socioeconomic status, and then they would start naming their children to better fit what The Man likes best. I think they don't give a damn what kind of repercussions are caused by naming their child "Siran Prince Retardo".

Posted by: sugarmama on November 12, 2003 01:44 PM

I had a student whose name was Webster Encyclopedia Barnes...Wonderful kid, great student, great basketball player. I didn't believe that was his real name until I looked it up in his records in the Guidance Dept. Sho' nuff..That was IT! And his sister's name was Cherise Dictionary Barnes...And I ain't kiddin' about this!

Posted by: Barbara on November 12, 2003 01:57 PM

Strangest name I have come across for a girl is "Kegga". Her last name: "Schaefer"

No shit.

Posted by: rightisright on November 12, 2003 02:06 PM

Once had some idiots living two doors down, who named their daughter 'Bitch'.

I kid you not, that was her name. Found out when the mother called her that one day and my then-wife objected. "That's her name! Her name is Bitch"

Freaking idiots.

Posted by: Mark on November 12, 2003 02:13 PM

I remember hearing a girl's name from my sister, who was volunteering at a preschool.
Girl's name was Cyella Butchette (pronounced Butch-et) Washington. My sister, after having seen this girl's name on paper, had the opportunity to ask the mother how such an unusual name happened to come about. The child's mother said that she wanted to name her child after her father, Cy, and her uncle, Butch, ergo the unwieldy moniker.

After my sister told me this story, she told me that the worst part was the middle name, as the last thing any girl needed was to have her own name label her "butch." And no, you don't get any credit for guessing the race of the girl or her single mother...

Posted by: Dan McWiggins on November 12, 2003 02:27 PM

I'm still going with "Lasagne" as the most ridiculous first name I've heard. On an American, anyway. Now, on a furriner, this one takes the cake, hands down:

Pornpater Likkensompbut. (Last name sounds like lickin some butt).

Posted by: candy on November 12, 2003 02:41 PM

Well, Rob, I'd like to have sympathy for your dissatisfaction over your name, but my parents named me "John" and gave me the nickname of "Jack". Aside from having to continually explain to people how "Jack" is indeed for some odd reason a nickname for "John" (why the hell does a one-syllable name need a nickname, anyway), I had to cope with all the other names that arise from hormone overheated adolescent imaginations. Imagine being known as "Jack-off" when you're a sensitive teenager who's too intelligent for your own good! I would have taken the name "Rob Smith" in a heartbeat.

Posted by: Jack on November 12, 2003 02:56 PM

My best friend in college went by Andy. One day I noticed his mail came to our apartment as H. Andrew Goodrich. I asked what the H stood for and he explained that his name used to be Harry and the day he turned 18 he had it legally changed. Apparently he was the fourth Harry in his line. As you can imagine, he took a beating with Hairy jokes in grade school.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 12, 2003 03:04 PM

Parents really need to think before they name a child. That name can be a blessing or a curse, and the child has to carry it for a long time. Mine were named Samantha Lynn Smith and Quinton Robert Smith.

I believe that I chose well.

Posted by: Acidman on November 12, 2003 03:36 PM

I worked with a man with the name of Dick Root. I would have hated that name with a passion. Thanks for the laughs.

Posted by: Dan on November 12, 2003 04:34 PM

A guy in New Hampshire named Dick Sweat ran for congress several years ago. I thought the billboards were a joke, but they weren't.

Why not go by Richard Sweat?

Posted by: Ralphy on November 12, 2003 04:41 PM

The Detroit Lions used to have a defensive back by the name of Harry Colon.

Posted by: toddk73 on November 12, 2003 05:35 PM

I've had an unusual name in the U.S. my whole life (not so unusual in Northern Europe; I'm Dutch originally), and I like it. Kind of like Quinton, it is different enough that I don't encounter others with the same name, but not so strange that people make fun of me. I've been called lots of bad things, but not because of my name :)

Posted by: Ole Eichhorn on November 12, 2003 06:11 PM

The worst one that I heard during my 12 years as a labor and delivery nurse was: LaShantiquaLaShantelle. There are two accent marks in there somewhere. And that was only the FIRST name!!!!!! I know of two cousins who are both named April Rain. And then there is the young lady with the last name Hymen. Her first name is Torra. Oh, man! The stories I can tell about babies and names.............

Posted by: Robin on November 12, 2003 07:33 PM

Have y'all heard of the country singer Isaac Peyton Sweat? I.P.Sweat. He sang the most popular version the "Cotton-Eyed Joe."

I have worked for some weird named people, too. Robert Sprick was one. Pretend that you're phoning him at work. Now ask his secretary if you can talk to Robert Sprick. Go ahead, say it outloud several times.


Posted by: MARCUS on November 12, 2003 07:49 PM

This reminds me of the story about a kid with a funny name. It was "Six and seven eighths."

When asked how he came to have such an odd name he replied, "My parents couldn't decide on a name so they threw a bunch of names in a hat and that's the one they pulled."

But seriously, folks. There's a fellow where I work who's name is: 7 No shit! It's the numeral 7. Not "Seven" It's 7.

Sugarmamma's got it right. Why call anybody for an interview if you can't pronounce their name?

Posted by: Ralph Gizzip on November 12, 2003 07:53 PM

A friend of mine in the Navy was named Ted Land. His sisters name was Alison Wanda. Many years later I hired a guy to take down a tree in my back yard. His card reads "Harry Peters Chop and Drop tree trimming" some names are better than others.

Posted by: Rey on November 12, 2003 08:32 PM

I went to high school with a kid named Alexander Alexander.

Posted by: Jesse on November 12, 2003 10:13 PM

When I worked at AT&T in IT support I saw some of these assembled combinations of letters that represented a name. Ta'Heesha was one.

I have it on good autthority that the founder of Lear Jet named a daughter Chrystal Shanda. Actually, that is a pretty name,

Posted by: bear, the (one each) on November 12, 2003 10:27 PM

Told of a kid recently named "Zeypher"; it means, "gentle wind".

Maybe he'll fart quietly.

Posted by: James Riley on November 12, 2003 10:41 PM

My sister wanted her baby to have a name that was different. Poor kid. Ended up giving her a first name they completely made up, a middle name that appeared in a name book, but that I'd never heard of, and thankfully, a second middle name of Elisabeth. Kid's almost 3 months old and I still can't get used to saying her first name. *sigh*

Posted by: shell on November 13, 2003 09:26 AM

My former manager's name was Gaylord. To this day, I cannot say that name without laughing. One of my co-workers child is called Dido Felix (its a girl, go figure). In my previous company, as part of my workload, I had create family trees to justify Estate matters. Needless to say, the odd names were everywhere. From Crayolla Cheyenne to Ice Daywon. Then there was Sugar, Destiny, Precious, Sh'Quana, Prince, Princess . . the list goes on.

Posted by: Anna on November 13, 2003 09:27 AM

I almost got named "Quindyconda" (Caucasian phonetic pronunciation) after an Injun (?) grandmother. Good thing dad stepped in and saved me (the only dadly thing he ever did). Probably meant something like "butt like a buffalo".

Posted by: SwampWoman on November 13, 2003 11:36 PM

Come to think of it, I did save our son from being named "Gadi" after one of his ancestors....(pronounced gay-die). Then he had another great great uncle named Darling. I think there are probably a lot of "interesting" names in the family tree. You know, after they popped out 10 or 12 of those babies, they didn't put a lot of effort into names.

Posted by: SwampWoman on November 13, 2003 11:41 PM

I am proud to have a weird first name, "Johannes".

Wait that's not weird. It's a kraut version of plain ol' John, meaning "one who enlists the the hire of prostitutes." No wait! It means "God is great!" Sorta like Alluh' Akbar. Or ...that.

OK, Mom was raised in Nazi Germany. Dad hailed from Clay County, Kentucky.

But I'm OK. I promise.

Posted by: HH in Hollywood on November 14, 2003 07:39 AM

Had a buddy in college named "Robert Roberts." Everybody called him "Bob Bobs."

And you think you got it bad with Robert ? How about going thru life like me: Jim Smith.(and I'm #525 in the Jim Smith Society).


Posted by: Jim on November 14, 2003 08:39 AM

To whoever can't spell indian (you spelled it injun and then wrote a question mark) you probably deserved that dumbass name. And any of you do have dumbass names quit bitching about it, get off your ass, and go down to the courthouse...bastards.

Posted by: ihateyouall on December 16, 2003 06:43 AM

Probably the best one I heard was a lady that wanted to name her girl "Placenta". She liked the way it sounded.

Posted by: Heywood Jablowme on April 22, 2004 05:27 PM
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