Gut Rumbles

November 10, 2003

good advice

If you ever are pulled over by a policeman for any reason whatsoever, let me tell you what to do.

1) Sit in the car and keep both hands on the wheel where the officer can see them.

2) When he comes to the window and asks for license, registration and proof of insurance, tell him, "the license is in my wallet and I'm getting the other stuff off the visor over my head." Do so, slowly, so that he can see every move you make.

3) If he asks if you have a gun in the car, DENY IT, unless you have a concealed-carry permit. That's why you don't keep that paperwork in the glove compartment next to to .38. He has no reason to look there unless you are drunk or if you fuck with him.

4) Address the man as "Sir" with everything you say. Understand what this guy does for a living. He deals with a lot of shitballs in his life and he is naturally suspicious of YOU. That's what he is paid to do. The last thing you want is to give him an excuse to treat YOU like a shitball. Look at the pistol, handcuffs, radio and billy-club hanging off his Sam Browne belt. Do you REALLY want to fuck with him? I don't think so. Be polite and be honest about everything except the pistol in the glove-box.

5) Take the ticket like a man. If you disagree with the officer, fight it in court, not on the side of the road. Don't argue.

Recondo 32 and I agree on this subject. So does my cop-cousin in Florida.


Good advice, thank you. Just checked on Blogerpoll. The voting hasn't started, yet for Most Offensive Male Blogger, but Sam's ahead at 43% of 315 votes.

Posted by: Ms Anna on November 10, 2003 10:00 AM

Is that before or after you dump the clutch and make the sumbitch chase you?

Just checking. :)

Posted by: Mr. Lion on November 10, 2003 10:24 AM

Good Advice. I've used it for ALL of my "Road User Fee" stops.
Three weeks ago I actually had my first traffic stop since retiring 6 years ago.
Officer: Do you know what the speed limit is ? Dan: Yes Sir, 35 mph.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going ? Dan: Yes Sir, 50 mph.
Officer: Actually, 48 mph.
It was my wife's new car. I couldn't find the registration or insurance cert.
After checking the computer to see if I'm a badass:
Officer: Here's a warning ticket for speeding, lack of insurance cert, and lack of registration. By the way, I have a wife too.
Dan: Thank you, better than I deserve.
( YES - no $'s, no points, no Sat. driver school ).

When someone has ALL the cards, you're a stupid shit to try bluffing.
I've never gotten worse than I've deserved, and often A LOT better.
They appreciate not having to deal with a jerk making excuses.
( dammit, Rob., didn't I promise not blog on your site ? ).

Posted by: Dan Pursel on November 10, 2003 11:14 AM

Dan, no problem.

I worked around a lot of cops when I played the bars. THEY told me what they like to see when they pull a car over on the road. I took their instructions as good advice.

Sometimes, if you play by the rules, make that working man's job easy and don't stir shit, you may drive away with a warning instead of a ticket. I'm all for that.

I rant about government a lot, but I've known too many cops to be down on them. They're doing a job. If I were in their shoes, I'd slam a loud-mouthed assole, too.

That's why I gave that advice. Be nice to cops. They don't get a lot of that behavior and they'll cut you some slack every now and then if you give them the chance.

THEY are not the bad guys.

Posted by: Acidman on November 10, 2003 11:38 AM

The Rivrdog confesses to being a retired cop, patrol type. The above advice is all good. Here's a little insight on why some cops let you get by with violations and some don't. There are several factors besides the violators attitude: The COP'S ATTITUDE. They can be having a bad day too, for all the same reasons that violators have them. THE CHIEF'S ATTITUDE. The patrol officer has a boss, who tells him/her how to patrol. If THAT boss has a boss who wants revenue from fines, well, you are going to get written up (and it won't do you much good to go to court, either). THE COP'S LATTITUDE. Some cops have lattitude (discretion) and some don't. Everything the cop does is recorded and monitored, either by a supervisor, or a TV camera, or a radio tape recording. If a cop has been told to write all the violations he/she sees on a certain highway, they will get written, because the cop has no wiggle room.

Basically, it DOES all depend on the mood someone's in.

By the way, get a little more creative about where you stash that handgun. The cops profile on who carries and who doesn't, and you don't really want to chance a criminal offense just because you lacked the imagination on where to store your piece. Most folks who DON'T carry DO keep their car papers in the jockey box, and if you don't, it may just flash a little warning to the cop to key off the profile. Consider fixing a holster under your seat, or under the dash to hold the weapon. Use good judgment on when you pull it, that's all.

Posted by: Rivrdog on November 10, 2003 11:46 AM

That advice is sound. It is very similar to what my cop friend told me, and I have gotten out of two tickets by doing exactly that. (This is where someone is going to say, "You are a woman, that's why you got out of it!") Really, the police do not want to be startled. If you don't act sketchy, then you will get points for that. Always tell them what you are going to do before you do it. Also, don't make dumb excuses. Both times I admitted I was aware that I was speeding, I apologized for the mistake and said I would be more careful and stay under the speed limit. Yes, sir!

Posted by: sugarmama on November 10, 2003 11:53 AM

I've never pulled a handgun in my vehicle, but I will take your advice.

I LISTEN to cops about shit like this.

Posted by: Acidman on November 10, 2003 11:55 AM

All good advice Rob and I have an important addition. If it's dark outside turn on your interior lights so the officer can see inside the vehicle. It will go a long way toward making the officer feel more secure on approaching your vehicle. Believe me when I say it will help improve his attitude as well.

Posted by: Don on November 10, 2003 12:09 PM

I only call people I respect "Sir". Most cops are facists and don't fall in that category.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 10, 2003 12:12 PM

VERY IMPORTANT! Keep your seat belt ON!! It's another ticket, if he's in a pissy mood. You can say what you want to, say you took it off to get to your wallet, whatever. If he/she doesn't like you, your screwed.

ALSO: DO NOT TAKE THE DRIVER'S SCHOOL UNLESS YOU'RE RACKING UP POINTS!!! Ask your insurance agent. (I used to be one.) It doesn't come off of your insurance underwriting, it just comes off of your license. Driver's School for violations has little or nothing to do with your insurance rates. It DOES matter, though, if you want to keep your driver's license and you're racking up enough points to lose it.

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! on November 10, 2003 12:15 PM


Here's a bit of info that might be of interest. When I was living in Texas, I remember being in McBride's Gun Shop, the best gun store in Austin. The woman who taught the concealed carry class there was selling some stuff to a couple of police officers. I was in line behind them. She asked those officers if they had ever issued a speeding ticket to a concealed carry permit holder. They looked at each other, kind of sheepishly grinned, and said "Nope."

After they left, when I was at the counter, I asked her why she asked them that question. She told me it was because she had heard hundreds of stories from people she had taught about how having a CCW permit had apparently gotten them a bit more lenient treatment from the police. Her opinion was that it was because a) the police knew that anybody willing and able to have a CCW permit wasn't likely to be a problem, and b) that CCW permit holders tended to be a generally respectful and law-abiding bunch who would give any police officers they might encounter the respect due the position.

I had my own experience with that syndrome. Some months after hearing this at McBrides, I was driving back to Austin from Houston at night. In going through a small town, I missed the sign dropping the speed limit from 65 to 55. Sure enough, a police officer coming the other way started the bubble gum machine and pulled me over. When he got to my window I had my license and CCW in my hands, which were both on the steering wheel. He asked if I had a gun in the car, and I told him I did and where it was. He didn't want to see it. He took my ID and went back to check it on the radio. About 5 minutes later, he came back and asked me if I'd had another speeding ticket that year. When I told him I hadn't, he let me go with a warning to "slow 'er down, mister." I thanked him and told him I would. End of story. Moral: that lady's take on the CCW permit effect sure seemed to be right. It certainly had a moderating effect on the attitude of the police officer I encountered.

I'd be interested in seeing if any of your police officer readers has a comment to make on this issue.

Good blog, Rob. Keep nailing them!

Posted by: Dan McWiggins on November 10, 2003 12:17 PM

ah, yes.. for years i suffered from huge fines for mouthing off... watching the tickets get more and more expensive. Suddenly, one day, it occured to me that if i could just keep my mouth shut, i could save about $3K a year. And it has. It helped a little to live with a family full of police and auxillary personnel in Davidson County, TN too. (Metro Nashville)

I imagine Ralphy gets socked so hard by the man every time he has a run-in that he'll be paying for the rest of his life. hahaha sucker.

Posted by: pril on November 10, 2003 12:42 PM

I do not find manners difficult to maintain. Ask anyone who met me at the blog-fest. I've always understood that cops have the upper hand when they stop you. Politeness counts.

I've never wanted to be considered an asshole by ANYONE.

Ralphy does. Go figure.

Posted by: Acidman on November 10, 2003 01:02 PM

I'll guarantee you something else, too. Ralphy has never mouthed off at a "fascist" cop in his life. He doesn't have the balls to do it, and he probably doesn't get out of his mama's house that often.

Fucking pussy.

Posted by: Acidman on November 10, 2003 01:06 PM

The comment about turning on the interior lights is good advice; in fact, in Rhode Island, it's the law.

Posted by: MommaBear on November 10, 2003 01:32 PM

My very closest cousins are retired police officers. I treat everyone with respect, but especially the people who vow to protect us, thats includes servicemen and women. Maybe I'm a sap but I get teary eyed just thinking of what they go thru everyday...

I'll keep your tips in mind to remind my kids,
except for the gun parts, it's all stuff they need to know. *s*...Trease

Posted by: Trease on November 10, 2003 02:05 PM

I learned during my first year of driving all of the rules mentioned here. I've been pulled over a grand total of 13 times in 17 years that I've been driving and not once have I ever received a ticket for any violation.

Yeah, okay...I'm a woman. But damn it, I can't let all of these feminine wiles I own go to waste, can I? I never use them to get a job or anything important! Honest!

Posted by: Chablis on November 10, 2003 02:50 PM

If I may add two more suggestions to your list;

Pull as far onto the shoulder as possible and angle the front of your car a bit toward the road. The first part makes it safer for the officer to approach the car without having to worry about traffic. Angling the car very slightly affords the officer a better view of you as he approaches.

Posted by: RightIsRight on November 10, 2003 04:23 PM

About your comment on guns in Gloveboxes.... Florida, where I live, and some other Southern states have what is called "Peaceable Journey" statutes. Short and to the point, in Florida it is legal to carry a weapon in a closed container like a glove box or console box. For more info look Here

Posted by: Dennis P. on November 10, 2003 05:48 PM

"I'll guarantee you something else, too. Ralphy has never mouthed off at a "fascist" cop in his life."

As a matter of fact I have. And more than once the same facist pigs kicked the living shit out of me. The only cops I will keep my mouth shut in front off is small town southern sheriffs. Those people just assume make you "disappear" than do paperwork.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 10, 2003 08:35 PM

Having spent 10 years "getting paid to tell cops where to go" (dispatching), when I'd get pulled for flying too low (speeding), I got out of a lot of tickets by giving the officer 4 pieces of paper: my license, my registration, the insurance card and, on the bottom, a ''Get Out of Jail Free" card from my Monopoly game.
It never failed to get, at least, a smile. Of course, I was careful about which officers I did that with and it helped that I wasn't trying to kill people, drunk or shitty with 'em, too.
I had one State cop walk up to me once with his hand out, repeating to me "Ninety-seven? Ninety-seven miles per hour?" Everytime I started to even open my mouth, he just kept saying it...lookin at me like 'I don't BELIEVE you...", til I finally stopped trying to say anything and just smiled at him like 'Ya got me...'
No Get Out of Jail Free card that particular time, but I still only got written for no seatbelt and just a warning for the speed.

Posted by: Stevie on November 10, 2003 08:52 PM

Ah, Ralphy the fuckwit thinks cops are facist because they won't let him mouth off. Poor ittle bitch.

Go to Korea, you fucking dolt. Good luck making it back alive.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 10, 2003 09:05 PM

I spent a year in Korea in the Army, Dave. Thanks for the advice but I don't need it. I'd like to see you last a week in the Jersey neighborhood I grew up in.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 10, 2003 10:41 PM

What unit and what camp, you fucking worthless sack of shit? You see, when little children like you attempt to fib a bit, those of us who have actually been there and done that stomp on your nuts and call you out on it.

And my point still stands, you fucking bitch. Just because the cops don't let you get away with mouthing off doesn't make them facist. It just makes you a fucking stupid piece of shit.

But then, we already knew that from your posts here. Go fuck yourself.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 10, 2003 11:37 PM

Try to check your emotions, you're worse than my girlfirend on her time of the moon. As for my service - that's MY business and not yours. My service record is NOT open for discussion. Suffice to say, I put my life on line in several hot spots around this world in an ELITE unit. . I've read your blog and see all your militiary gung ho talk and links to fellow chinckenshits and false patriots. It's always you guys that boast about their time in service that never saw any action. It's always you ass clowns that peeled the potatoes and picked up my cigeretee butts.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 11, 2003 09:50 AM

"you a fucking stupid piece of shit."

Can you form a sentence without saying "you a fucking stupid piece of shit". God damn you're stupid. Go back to night school and learn some writing skills to expand you're vocabulary. I take it you joined the Army in the eighties before a High school diploma was required.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 11, 2003 09:53 AM

If you want the ULTIMATE dissertation on cops, speeding tickets, and driving go to Ernie's House of Whoopass ( and click on the "speeding tickets" link under the "Thoughts on" in the left column. Ernie is a G*d! I have boys, and I have made all of them read this before they get behind the wheel to solo (yes, swear words and all). Oh yea, and help Ernie bring G.I.s home for the holidays too! He's for real.

Posted by: Oliver Snodwell on November 11, 2003 11:03 AM

Right. So in other words, you got called out and can't back it up. That's what I thought, Ralphy.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 11, 2003 11:40 AM

"Can you form a sentence without saying "you a fucking stupid piece of shit". God damn you're stupid. Go back to night school and learn some writing skills to expand you're vocabulary. I take it you joined the Army in the eighties before a High school diploma was required."

You need a question mark after your first sentance (since it is a question, not a statement), a comma after "God damn" would indicate the pause needed after the invective, and it should be "your" instead of "you're" before "vocabulary".

Who needs the remedial classes, shithead? Or are you just that fucking dumb? If I actually had any respect for you, I'd worry about my grammer. But since you've proven to be nothing but a fucking troll, I don't give a shit.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 11, 2003 12:16 PM

One more feeble attempt to insult me has failed. Check your emotions Dave, I'm emberrassed for you.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 11, 2003 12:31 PM

I would be "emberrassed," too, if I spelled the way Ralphy does.

Posted by: Acidman on November 11, 2003 04:19 PM

I think Ralphy has spelled it the correct way. EM Bare Assed. He is bare assed hanging all his moron idiocies out for all to see. Hey Ralphy full moon is over pull up your pants and get back in your little cave. Oh that's right you were in an elite group in the service yeah just like a towel boy what did you do for the real boys in uniform clean up after them. If you were truly in the service you would not be spouting all this against the officers, but then again if all you were was a towel boy then yeah you would. Again little Ralphy go away and play some where else.

Posted by: Lady on November 11, 2003 04:40 PM

Oh I see Lady. If I was in the military I should be a bootlicker? Like all the readers are here for Acidman?

No, some of us have a mind of our own. That's why Acidman is frustrated by me. He's used to his adoring fans/bottlickers agreeing with all he has too say.

This blog is some sort of an emotional crutch.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 11, 2003 07:27 PM

Oh, that's rich! A troll who has to go to several different blogs proving what a fucking dipshit he is makes that claim? You're a riot, "Ralphy"! Too bad you're also a drooling simpleton!

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 11, 2003 09:21 PM

Wow Dave. You've disarmed me with you wit. And you never said "fuck" once or even called me a "piece of shit." What a refreshign change. There IS hope for you. Let me know if you need a recommendation to apply for admission into the local Trailer Park Community College.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 11, 2003 10:09 PM

Just keep it coming, "Ralphy", you fucking dolt. By the way, it's spelled "REFRESHING", you pathetic suckweasel.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 12, 2003 09:52 AM

Two consecutive posts without saying shit or fuck? I'm stunned Raging Dunce. Perhaps you AREN'T as dumb as you sound. Or is it my comments have adjusted your behavior? You're a follower, that much is certain.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 12, 2003 03:22 PM

No "Ralphy", I don't think I could ever stoop as low as you. Trolling blogs under different names, cut-and-pasting your comments because you can't be original enough to think up a new one, and then making shit up so you can blab about it just isn't my style. It's definately yours, though. You're such a pathetic gutless cowardly bitch that I really wonder just what grade you're in.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 12, 2003 03:59 PM

No "Ralphy", if I followed your comments my spelling would be worse than it is. I really did enjoy the way you spelled "ipitome", though. Had me laughing for quite a while. Although "refreshign" was a nice touch, it just didn't show your total and complete lack of intelligence quite the same way.

By the way, you fucking dolt, what does "seering" mean? You never answered that question on my blog, so I figured I'd chase you down and see if you would answer it here.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 12, 2003 04:07 PM

Well, so much for posting three consecutive times without swearing. You're back to your old trash mouth ways after I showed YOU how I modified YOUR behavior based on MY feedback. So twice now I've managed to see YOU change YOUR writing style (can you even call it that?) based on MY feedback. Keep following simpleton. You're too easy. You fall for every trap I set for you. Are you sure you're not related to Barney "Bendover" Gumble?

Posted by: Ralphy on November 12, 2003 05:01 PM

So I misspelled epitome. Get over it Raging Dunce. Christ you never realized it until Acidman pointed it out anyhow. Follower? You don't even know what it means, let alone have the ability to pronunciate it. You ever make a guest appearance on Jerry Springer? You strike me as uneducated white trash.

Posted by: Ralphy on November 12, 2003 05:03 PM

Whatever there, "Ralphy". You're just a pathetic piece of shit who'll be at my blog, cutting-and-pasting the same bullshit, over and over again. You don't get it, do you? Insulting you is FUN! And you'll keep providing me the opportunity to do it, because that's all you can do! You're a miserable little pisswit who goes around talking shit because THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO!

Got any more cut-and-paste for me, you fucking assnugget? Or maybe you'll actually be somewhat original and come up with something on your own! But I doubt it.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 12, 2003 05:57 PM

"Bullshit," "Pisswit," "Ass Nugget"...

And the classic we never saw coming "You piece of shit."

I don't doubt for a second that you enjoy insulting me Raging Dunce. For me, it's not so much fun. Rather it's wearisome, like lecturing a pouty ten year old that's not really listening to you.

But please, by all means, keep posting your truck stop vocabulary. I love watching you wave banners to the world -- shouting "Look at me! Look at me! I'm stupid! I'm stupid and I have a voice!"

Posted by: Ralphy on November 12, 2003 10:35 PM

And yet you'll keep coming to my blog, idiot. That is, until you throw your little hissy fit on the wrong person.

Tsk tsk, "Ralphy". You really need to brush up on your target identification.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 13, 2003 11:21 AM

"That is, until you throw your little hissy fit on the wrong person."

And what exactly does this mean? That Tim will help you save face again? Even the people that share your blog realize what a 1000# turd you are and offered to allow me to guest write.

Posted by: "Ralphy" on November 13, 2003 02:40 PM

That means that you were too stupid to figure out that "Tim" doesn't mean "Raging Dave". I figure that you were just spamming the comments and couldn't be bothered to actually READ who wrote the post. But that's typical..

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 13, 2003 03:26 PM

What it translates to is that Tim realizes that his fellow blogger is an ASS and was doing his best to ease the situation he got caught in the middle of.

Keep waving that banner Dunce.

Posted by: "Ralphy" on November 13, 2003 11:40 PM

You're the pathetic son of a bitch who keeps coming back, "Ralphy". The troll has been trolled. You just keep dancing on my string, you little shit.

Posted by: Raging Dave on November 14, 2003 11:14 AM


Posted by: "Ralphy" on November 14, 2003 08:24 PM
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