Gut Rumbles

August 25, 2003

Small dick syndrome

Well, he seems to be pissed off about something...

The Tall Dog (who is now a complete hissy-fit pitching asshole in my book) left me this comment today:

you are absolutely bizarre. You write, "I won't go through the stats but I GET MORE TRAFFIC THAN FUMENTO DOES FOR AN ENTIRE DAY BY 6:00 IN THE MORNING. Shit. My Site Meter is open. Go check if you want verification. And NO newspapers publish what I write."

Wrong and reeking of arrogance and ignorance. I am not a blogger. My "hits" mean virtually nothing. I have a huge web page with over 400 PUBLISHED articles. I also have a tiny section for comments too short for publication. ALL you have is your blogging.
How truly and utterly bizzare that you BOAST that no newspaper will publish you. Yet that's where my "hits" come from. My column goes out to 400 papers, many of which go directly online. The hits I get from just the online versions easily swamp you. Then add in the print papers themselves. If just a fraction of the people who read those papers read my column, I probably get more hits in a week than you get in a lifetime. And these are people reading a whole column, not some one-paragraph off-the-cuff remark with a link. Finally, how many magazines do you boast of that refuse to publish you. Go to my bio page and you'll see I've been in many of the biggest. And how many books do you have to your name. I have five, thank you.

You demonsrate beautifully the very arrogance and self-importance I have attributed to bloggers such as yourself. The real world knows you are utterly talentless as a writer and it has rejected you, so you retreat to your fantasy blogosphere. Well blab all you want, because nobody outside of your tiny sphere has ever heard of you or ever will. You contribute nothing to society except hot air, which is not something in high demand this summer.

Michael Fumento

Mike, FUCK YOU!!

I've got your "hot air," so please press your lips to my asshole so that I can deliver it first-hand to a loud-mouthed prick who richly deserves it. You don't know me from Adam's housecat. Who died and made YOU Pope?

I don't attempt to publish anything anymore because I have a real job, one that I've had for 23 years that pays me well. I write simply because I enjoy doing it. It's just a hobby for me, and I HAPPEN TO BE PRETTY FUCKING GOOD AT IT. A lot of people read me.

That fact that really chaps your ass, doesn't it? When a blogger who works 10-hour days at a real job gets more visits to his site than a hoity-toity piece of shit like you does, it has to hurt. Fucking needle-dick. I hope it hurts A LOT.

You can take your 400 newspapers and shove them right up your ass. Or come see me. I'LL DO IT FOR YOU!



he must be a movie/music critic... they pick everything to death and totally discount the joy a particular piece brings to an audience.

Posted by: donawana on August 25, 2003 06:50 PM

this seems to be a perfect place to add

"last train to clarksville" by the monkees

to your list of train songs...

heh heh heh

Posted by: mr. helpful on August 25, 2003 07:04 PM

He must be off his Meds. Anyone who can make a total ass of himself is truly lacking professionalism.

I wonder if his Editors know what a ass he is. And it's to bad, as you said in your original post, "you likeed his work".

Oh well, I read you and have never read him.


Posted by: gmorin on August 25, 2003 07:05 PM

Who the fuck is Michael Fumento? Obviously not a writer of great note or importance since madman hasn't heard of him...

Hell madman reads Hemmingway and Bukowski (just the shorts- he's a fucking lousy poet) so senorita Fumento need not bother responding accusing madman of being unread. Screw him... I'll donate 100 copies of the stars and stripes for you to jam up his ass, just say the word gutdude...

Posted by: madman on August 25, 2003 07:06 PM

I've been watching this Fumento thing for about a week now and I'm getting a sneaking suspision maybe he might want to see a doctor and have a brain scan done. Erratic behavior from someone not exhibiting such behavior prior may have a brain tumor. Or perhaps he's always been a jerk.

Posted by: Diane K on August 25, 2003 07:09 PM

Ah, the argument from authority. Mr. Fumento should review his cheat sheet of fallacies known since the time of Aristotle.

Posted by: Brett on August 25, 2003 07:15 PM

If I remember right, Fumento led the attack on Pearl Harbor. It does ring a bell now that I think about it. I have heard of him after all.

Acidman has no naval victories at all. At least I suppose not. I'm surprised this is not remarked on.

Posted by: Ron Hardin on August 25, 2003 07:16 PM

The biggest hole in his logic is that just because his column is published in 400 papers doesn't mean he gets read by all the readers of every paper! That's comparing apples and lemons, the sour puss.

Posted by: MommaBear on August 25, 2003 07:17 PM

You said you actually enjoyed his writing, too! What an ass! If you're gonna give it to 'em, give it to 'em good...and that you did.

Posted by: Lisa on August 25, 2003 07:24 PM

Acidman is kicking ass and taking names!! Keep up the great work!!

Posted by: janet on August 25, 2003 07:42 PM

We could send him the words to "Cry Me a River.." Big Baby. If he is so sure of his greatness, why did he bother???? Me thinks he doth protest too much...

Posted by: Katherine on August 25, 2003 08:13 PM

My brother is a columnist in about as many papers.....and he is an arrogant prick too.

He fails to mention that most of the papers he is in, they get his collumn for free and it's between the ad for the tractor dealership and the flower shop.

Posted by: Doug on August 25, 2003 08:21 PM

This has been a huge disappointment to me. I've long admired Fumento's work but all I can come up with is that he's gone off the deep end reading too much of his hate mail.

I used to refer to him a great deal, no more now.

Posted by: Robin Roberts on August 25, 2003 08:32 PM


It is said a man is measured by the stature of his enemies. So applying that logic, if Demento is as important as he thinks he is, your stature is impressive. He is obviously extemely vulnerable to criticism and is unable to respond in any kind of adult, serious manner. [Cue to raucous rebel yell.] Give him hell, AcidMan.

Posted by: oldgeek on August 25, 2003 08:50 PM

Personally, I appreciate honest words, from a man at my level, more than I do words from a smell-my-butt because I'm better than you are and I'm a published columnist meat-stick.

I don't want someone telling me what I should think, I want them to tell me what they think, and be completely honest about it.

Keep up the good work AcidMan, and kiss your Mama on her bald head next time you see her. Tell her it's from the blogosphere. I imagine she will know what you mean.

Posted by: Blowback on August 25, 2003 08:53 PM

I always admired Fumento. Loved his book on the myth of heterosexual AIDS. He just knocked himself down quite a few notches in my book.

Posted by: DocJeff on August 25, 2003 08:55 PM

Until just now, I'd never even heard of Michael "Fomento." And apparently I haven't missed much.

Sounds like you struck a raw nerve there. You know, if someone has to go around telling people how wonderful he is (that was, for all practical purposes, one helluva "wonder of me" email he sent to you, Rob), it kinda loses its charm, know what I mean?

And Mommabear, the fact that he's published in 400 newspapers means that many more birds have a crack at him too. Ha ha ha.

Oh, yeah. I've been published. Four times. So there. (And, uh, what exactly does that make me? Not a damn bit more special than anyone else. And it certainly doesn't make me a better writer.)


Posted by: Joni on August 25, 2003 09:30 PM

I have no idea who Michael Fumento is, but this is a fantastic blog, so he ought to shut his piehole and show a little respect.

The only reason I don't read it more often is that I'm the laziest son of a bitch who ever drew breath.

Posted by: Steve H. on August 25, 2003 09:31 PM

Wow. What a prick. I don't care how many papers he's in, that's the last thing I'll ever read of his.

Posted by: waa on August 25, 2003 09:41 PM

If this does not demonstrate what is wrong with today's major media, hit me in the head with a hammer.

This guy is an idiot and I have no time for his crap.

Posted by: Carl on August 25, 2003 09:42 PM

"You demonsrate beautifully the very arrogance and self-importance I have attributed to bloggers such as yourself." Heh, is he so dense that he fails to realize that the irony doesn't merely drip, it runs! (And for someone with such a high opinion of himself, I guess he doesn't need to spell-check either.)

Posted by: meveritt on August 25, 2003 09:59 PM

I think somebody's got ROSCOOOOOE envy.
Just think, Acidman, how much more popular you would be if you were a REAL writer (snort) like the person throwin' the hissy fit. Yep, I think you handled that hissy fit appropriately with the pitcher of ice water and then the ass whoopin'.

Not that you need my approval or anything, just admirin' the technique!

Posted by: SwampWoman on August 25, 2003 10:07 PM

I've never heard of this guy, and I STILL don't know who he is or where one of his columns might be published. What a total and complete asshole! However, I read your blog every day, and enjoy it immensely. Keep up the good work.

Posted by: Candy on August 25, 2003 10:13 PM

A quick check of the stats at

Traffic Rank for 317,561

Traffic Rank for 134,587

Acidman, you're right. He _is_ an asshole!

Posted by: Roscoe, Jr. on August 25, 2003 10:36 PM

Wow over 400 newspapers! What's a newspaper? Doe's anybody read those much anymore? They are a waste of money now a days, I can read news from around the world online almost instantaneously.

Posted by: Bob on August 25, 2003 10:52 PM

Who is this dick wipe and why are your cracker ass panties in a knot over what he says? Jesus, this guy is writing his self important erudite bullshit on every blog I hit. What a life........

Posted by: Rumbear on August 25, 2003 11:37 PM

What a fantastic post! "Who died and made you Pope?"--I love it! This is my favourite blog, and I read quite a few. Your writing is second to none.

Posted by: Ruth on August 26, 2003 12:03 AM

Actually, he IS a blogger. He runs several blogs out of one site, as I've pointed out on RWN and on my own site.

And don't bother talking to him if you don't want the "I'm published in 400 papers!" speech. It's the first thing he says in ANY conversation. Kind of like John Kerry and Vietnam.

Posted by: Tom on August 26, 2003 12:42 AM

I've only been reading this blog for 4 days and it's already a daily visit. Fuck newspapers, watered down biased bullshit is why I started reading blogs in the first place. Give 'em hell Acidman!

Posted by: Graumagus on August 26, 2003 12:59 AM

Fumento whines like a female dog.

Posted by: Juliette on August 26, 2003 01:40 AM

Here's what I don't understand and maybe someone can explain it to me. When columnists brag about how many papers they are syndicated in, I take it they envision an average readership and multiply it by the number of papers. Yes, you could get an impresssive number out of that. But I'm a Sunday morning only type reader. I probably actually read maybe 1-3% of the text on all the pages. I focus in on what I know and what I like (comics, tech, etc.). For the most part, I glance over most everything unless the headline or first paragraph is particularly interesting. My point here is that just because you are published in 'x' papers with 'y' readership, doesn't mean 'x' * 'y' people read you.

Now bloggers are completely different. I ACTIVELY seek out their sites by clicking a button or typing in a URL. That's a big difference. One is quite passive, and the other quite deliberate.

I seek out Acidman. I like him. He says what he means and means what he says. I don't know who this Pimento guy is.

Posted by: McClane on August 26, 2003 02:46 AM

Hmmm......Fumento has the biggest case of Acid envy if I ever saw one.

Posted by: Da Goddess on August 26, 2003 02:51 AM

Until this point, I have never even heard of Michael Fumento. Who is he and who does he write for? What does he write about?

Actually, I don't really care. If was such the professional he's claiming to be, he would know better than to write so poorly. And if his "hits" mean virtually nothing, then why does he spend the next paragraph talking about them?

I see I haven't missed a thing by not knowing who this pompous ass is.

Posted by: serenity on August 26, 2003 09:35 AM

Fumento: what you get when you cross a cigarette and a stuffed olive. I agree with Rumbear and Serenity and Madman, who is this tool?

Posted by: on August 26, 2003 10:33 AM

Hmmm my dawg has pooped on over FOUR HUNDRED PAPERS...I'm suprised I did'nt see this Fumento Fucktard during the daily roll-up..then again ole Sport is kinda selective where he goes

Posted by: Rumbear on August 26, 2003 10:51 AM

Had to quit lurking to say this:

You've got one website, I read it all the time.
He's in 400 (400!) papers, I've never heard of him.

I think a lot of these comments said the same thing.

You win.

Posted by: Terry on August 26, 2003 11:20 AM

My daddy would say, "I'd like to buy that guy for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he's worth. Then I could retire."

Posted by: LittleA on August 26, 2003 12:25 PM

Judging by the tone and content of his remarks, I'd say he's a reporter on womens' fashions.

Posted by: Full Auto on August 26, 2003 01:22 PM

Go, Rob!

I had poked through Phlemento's website a couple of years ago, and was mildly amused by his responses to hatemail. But it rapidly got old. And I never suspected that he was a columnist. His writing was so bad that it would never have occurred to me.

I'd MUCH rather hear about the Crackerbox, Acid, Roscoe and Effingham County than any drivel from that gaping hole and his crosseyed brain.

Posted by: Keith on August 26, 2003 03:00 PM

Shit, I've never even heard of this guy. Personally, just from reading this post, he seems to be the kind of person he just bitched about in his comment. I agree, he is an asshole.

Posted by: Melissa on August 26, 2003 03:25 PM

Some of the newspapers I've read aren't even at a seventh grade reading level. The writing is crap and the subject matter is boring. That is not something I would want to brag about.

Posted by: sugarmama on August 26, 2003 03:27 PM

Never heard of him, but you, you are famous dude!

Posted by: Dawn on August 26, 2003 06:11 PM

People with access to the internet actually still buy papers? Never heard of the guy until this's easy to see why. I shy away from asswipes.

Posted by: Dawn on August 26, 2003 06:49 PM

All I could think was what crawled up his ass and died? Pretty pathetic if he has to go around posting crap to bloggers that are interesting to read. Your honest, tell it like it is, writing is what keeps me coming back. Never heard of him.

Posted by: mog on August 26, 2003 08:21 PM

Well, I read several daily papers and have yet to see Foment's columns.

He has a disconnect between his ears and his brain. He heard, "He who dies with the most toys wins" and convinced himself that it was "he who spouts the most words is God"

You go, A-Man, and keep the rubber side down, y'hear?

Rivrdog, reading and enjoying you every day.

Posted by: Rivrdog on August 27, 2003 01:09 AM

What everyone else said.

Oh, and BTW, his web page is the ugliest conglomeration of stupid animated gifs and poor formatting that I think I have ever seen.

Pshaw. Blowhard AND a poopus ass.

Posted by: margi on August 27, 2003 04:54 AM

That should have read "pompus," but "poopus" sounds about right.


Posted by: margi on August 27, 2003 04:56 AM

Excuse my ignorance - but who the fuck is Mike Fumento? Who cares??

Posted by: RightWingTexan on August 27, 2003 04:31 PM

How far back in the archives to I have to go to find the start of this scrap with Fumento. I'd ike to see what was said...but gimme a break, give me a date to look at. By the way, very interr-esting!

Posted by: Uncle Al on September 4, 2003 12:03 AM
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