Gut Rumbles

August 17, 2003

down south

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them; just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store. (Unless it is hermetically sealed in a bag. I shop at the Swamp Fox, where you can buy beer, bait and rent movies at the same time)

Remember, "y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and "all y'all's" is plural possessive. (Whoever wrote this missive is incorrect. "Y'all" is plural. We don't say "all y'all" down South, except at the end of a big, drunken party, when the host says, "All y'all pick up yore shit and GO HOME!")

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective 'big ol' truck or 'big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. (If they don't learn "good ole" quickly, we lynch them.)

Be advised that 'He needed killin' is a valid defense here. (Amen.)

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. (Yeah, Bubba shot the juke box.)

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. (We go there to buy frozen food.)

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their Mammas taught them how to aim. (How do you think Bubba learned to shoot the juke box?)

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes .. The South has 'mater samiches. (And we fry them green, too.)

The North has coffee houses .. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services .. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives .. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names .. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy .. The South has Edwin Edwards. (I'll take Edwin over Ted any day.)

The North has an ambulance .. The South has an am-ba-lance.

The North has Cream of Wheat .. The South has grits.

The North has green salads .. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters .. The South has crawfish. (And shrimp and blue crabs.)

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

We'll accept you when you eat grits and use "y'all" correctly in civilized conversation.


A-man, you must know the same low people in the same low places that we do, cause we got that e-mail commentary about the Southeners yesterday.

Posted by: Laura on August 17, 2003 02:07 PM

Hey A-man -- thought y'all might find this somewhat appropriate =] I 'facilitate' groups at a DUI school here in CA and I've been using this statistic on some of my good ole boys ...


The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find, in 47 of the 50 states, the last word of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashed were, "OH SHIT!!"

Only in West Virginia, Kentucky, and Arkansas, was it different, were over 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

Posted by: Marianne on August 17, 2003 02:57 PM

A-man, I bet you can guess why I'm laughing?? Anyway, it wasn't an e-mail, I found it on Free Republic... Trease

Posted by: Trease on August 17, 2003 04:16 PM

Yeah buddy...

Posted by: Brent on August 17, 2003 05:43 PM

Good to know since I'm moving to Houston soon.

I'll keep this list with me....then I can say, "Aah, this is what Acidman was talking about...."

Posted by: serenity on August 18, 2003 12:02 AM

LOL, I will also have to save this list to bring with me the next time I get a chance to visit my cousins in Georgia!

Posted by: Jennifer on August 18, 2003 11:57 AM

A-MAN Sugah!

Posted by: Chaos on August 18, 2003 02:02 PM

You're making me homesick.

Posted by: Raspil on August 19, 2003 03:15 PM

Ha, I laughed so hard I couldn't remember to ask my mother if she wanted SWEEET tea with her buffet dinner.

Posted by: Heather on August 19, 2003 08:51 PM

Given how badly I want to see California in my rear view mirror, I'd be willing to take a crash course in being southern. I have always liked most of the folks I've met down south, and'd like to be a part of 'em.

Posted by: bear, the (one each) on August 19, 2003 09:07 PM


Your first important Houston phrase should be "fixin' to". Up north people get ready to go someplace or do something. In Houston we are fixin' to go to fishin'.

Posted by: Dave on August 23, 2003 04:21 AM
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