July 13, 2003
Somewhere in all the souvenirs of our wrecked marriage, my ex-wife may still have the contract she wrote and signed when I agreed to have a child with her. I told her that my FIRST marriage changed overnight when Samantha was born. I took one woman to the hospital and brought a different one home. I liked the first one a LOT better.
Jennifer thought that I had an amusing idea, so she wrote out a contract PROMISING not to lose her mind or change in any way after Quinton was born. She signed it, dated it, and had me sign as a witness. The contract was official.
Quinton came along and I didn't notice the difference at first. My ex is an EXCELLENT actress. She can be whatever she needs to be for whover needs it as long as SHE benefits most from the performance. I've seen her do it a thousand times, and she's better at it than ever now. She practices her art daily.
It was at Clark Hill two years ago that I sensed something was wrong, and I asked her about it. "Rob, NOTHING HAS CHANGED," she replied. One week later, she snuck off to fuck a friend of mine and got caught doing it. That happened on July 12th and I had my prostate biopsy on Monday, July 16th. The following weekend, she told me that she didn't love me anymore.
She was always so big on honesty that I asked her to forget about her sneaking off to commit adultery; what about that fucking lie at Clark Hill? Her reply was that she was perfectly honest when she answered that question. Nothing HAD changed because she stopped loving me a long time ago. She just never bothered to let me know until now. It started... about the time Quinton was born. So much for that contract.
She damn near killed me that weekend, although it would have been NONE of her responsibility if I had not lived. She went off to spend that weekend with her new lover because she was "frightened that I might try to come back home." See? What she did was LOGICAL, not hormonal.
That's what I really like about a lot of wimmen. They want a man to "understand" them when they don't know who the fuck they are to begin with and they can change like a chamelion at any moment and never admit to doing it. THEN, they can take your house and your child and a large chunk of your paycheck every month because THEY are victims.
BULL! SHIT! They are ugly bags of mostly water with FAR TO MANY hormones swimming around in that bag. They'll nut up on you in a minute and believe that their behavior is totally rational while YOU are the crazy one to question what they do. They bust out crying for no good reason? DON'T ASK WHY! If you weren't such an insensitive bastard YOU WOULD KNOW! And don't you DARE suggest that the freshly-opened box of Tampax in the bathroom has anything to do with this.
No, it's YOUR fault. A woman sees clearly all the time. Men are just blind swines.
Don't bother signing a contract with a woman. They don't play by normal rules.
And if I sound bitter, it's because I am.
I love your blog, I think you got lots going on. I like your bravery, and your honesty. Your wookie pills are making you think too much. Screw relationships and find a friend. You probably weren't friends with either one of your women. You should try that first, and worry about love later. Hugs - best wishes.
You think women are fucked up, I think men are fucked up. So tell me wise one why you want a woman and I want a man, and answering we are both fucked up won't work. Don't you just love this deeply philosophical shit?
~Looks up at Flo's note~
I thinks shes right about being friends.
Though you know it's not just women who change, men do also...I read a poem once that said not to promise to love forever, that we can't know how long we'll love, I think thats true. What I want is honesty, I hate being blindsided. If you'd known years before how she felt who knows what a different turn life would have taken.
As it is I know you aren't 100% satisfied but
I hope you know your better off knowing the truth.
At first I wanted to rip you, nobody is blindsided, and nobody is perfect, you probably had a great deal to do with her fucked up shit. But after reading your blog and thinking on it awhile, I figure, no matter how off in the ditch your relationship might have been, she left you hanging when you found out about the cancer, then fuck her, this one is yours and like others have said, why the hell aren't you suing for full custody and support?
Give your brain and blog a rest, we want to see you prosper and grow, don't think you'll ever get past it until you bury it.
Men have known and said everything you're saying right now since about 20 minutes after the dawn of man. But honestly, that's our problem, not theirs. Let's cut to the nitty gritty of male/female relations.They NEED us to do certain things for them, and they arrange things so they get them.
Are there women that more than that? Shit, almost all of them are. But when I handled divorces with my Dad, I saw one thing very, very clearly. When the chips are down, and there is stress and agonism a Woman will NEVER take her eye off the bottom line. Ever. If that means being the worst bloodless cunt in the history of humanity the answer is going to be an enthusastic "ok then!".
This sucks for us, but in any kind of historical perspective that what they had to keep things going for themselves. The bottom line is hardwired, and in some ways that's not a bad thing.
From what I could see, it was mostly the men that had attitudes towards their marriages like yours. They would say stuff like, "I loved her so much, and this came a terrible time." Terrible time? Job loss, business failure, usually something like that. Bottom line stuff. Maybe your cancer tripped some wierd synapse from pre-history or something.
It's harder than hell, but we have to admit that we run on different tracks and that you have to watch your ass a bit, even when everything in your body, soul and mind tells you not to worry about it.
If you aren't Best Friends long before you marry, the odds are very low a marriage will succeed. That puts everything in short blunt words.
You said it MommaBear.
I was refraining from getting all psychological about this shit, but that post by Ludovic was probably the beginning of many posts from men who haven't got clue 1 about relationships. That just burns my ass. Both sides of the relationships are in it for their own reasons, why does a man want a woman anyway? Sex? To be taken care of? To be mothered? Why does a woman want a man? To be protected? To be adored? You fill in the blank. What the hell is this with the bottom line bullshit? Every individual has his or her own bottom line, male or female. The problem is you are too busy blaming each other for what you didn't bother to do at the very beginning of the relationship. You both never bothered to be honest about your basic requirements. You thought it would all work out later, and if you didn't like something about your partner, you figured you would be able to change it. That is why marriages fail. Everyone is too worried about being rejected for who they REALLY are. Then years down the road you resent that you don't get to be yourself, or that the other person doesn't understand you. It's YOUR fault. You didn't open your mouth. Either that or you wouldn't allow your partner to be themselves. Either way, the problem is honesty and acceptance. You better learn to accept everything you don't like about them, or forget it. It works both ways. That is the only bottom line.
Wow, you got a great voice and a great blog. Hope you find a great partner.
Here's an idea, don't have children with them?
Hmm. Was that a typo in that title, Rob? Should have been a "u" instead of an "o"??
As I've stated many times before, neither men nor women have the market cornered on how much heartache and grief they can dish out. But it sure does seem like an awful lot of nice men tend to get trampled on while the heels remain unscathed. Why is that?
I've just gotta toss in my own 2 cents here for what it's worth. I agree with a lot of the above comments and would just like to add that we're not all like that, but I think that you already know that. If you really believed that woman are all like your ex-wife, you'd have given up on us a long ass time ago.
Everyone has got an ex from hell story it seems. Having been there myself, I can only hope that you eventually stop giving a shit about what she did to you and go on living your life in the 'here and now'.
What's the old adage about living well being the best revenge?
As a libertarian Acidman, you know that you are responsible for your choice of partner. People announce who they are early on in the peace, it's just that we often don't care to look. Or we're lost in wishful thinking. We create a fantasy and then get angry because our husband/wife is *not* that fantasy . Your marriage was not some natural disaster that happned through no action of your own.. Have you looked at the fact that this is the person *you* chose?
You know People, it does happen that people get totally lied to, tricked and led into the hell that is a bad relationship. It DOES happen. Not every divorce is the result of mutual failing or changing or heartlessness. Sometimes when two people come together and start a relationship, one of them is honest and completely real and the other one is a lying, scheming, heartless, too-smart-for-their-own-good game player.
Game playing asswits can be either men or women. BUT, in my personal experience and from what I've observed in the last 40 years, for some reason (mental illness?) it seems that more than half the time, it's the woman who's the liar, the schemer...the one with an alternate agenda. The first woman I saw who was EXACTLY like that was my own mother. She married my Dad to get away from her own Dad. She then cheated on, lied to, used and finally divorced my Dad, after 20+ years. I can't even begin to remember how many male friends, ex-boyfriends and just men in general I've known, loved or liked who've been all but destroyed by some two-(or more) faced woman trying to get something for nothing. These woman wanted to get ahead, prove a point, find fathers for illegiimate kids or just be the ones in control. They find some poor bastard who has whatever it is that they want-money, big dick, looks, power, whatever-and who also has an ache in his heart from wanting love in his life and they use that need against him. They do whatever they have to do, say whatever they have to say, be whomever they have to be just long enough to trap the guy. They have two main ways to trap men. Marriage and/or pregnancy. Then when they've ridden this gravy train-conducting, clueless, honestly-in-love-with-them poor sumbitch as far as they can, they seem to need to finish them off during the endgame. As if they haven't gotten or done enough by lying, using and hurting the guy. Now they want his last dime, to control access to the kid(s), to hurt the man so badly he doesn't even trust his own self anymore...to stay in control of their well-broken in money-puppet. And, God for-fuckin'-bid the guy NOT be a well broken in puppet. Let the guy have any balls at all to strike back against this-privately or in court-and it comes back 10 times harder on him.
Women have been bitching since I can remember about 'equality'. They don't want to be EQUAL. They want to be the ones in control. If all women wanted was to be equal, the family court system wouldn't be so fucked up, unfair and one-sided. Those equality-seeking women wouldn't have let the pendulum swing so far to their side-IF they wanted to really be EQUAL. Women always piss and moan about lost income. "He's gettin' the HELL outta this house and he wants to take his money with him?!? Hell no. I must be given money to maintain the lifestyle I conned my way into, so he MUST give me money merely because I exist. Me? Get off my ass, quit bitching and SUPPORT MY EQUAL SELF?!? NEVER- not as long as the courts are willing to hold him down while I bleed his ass DRY."
Well...excuse me. You lose his income. Ya know what? He's losing a steady piece of ass. You still want his money, he probably would like to still get laid. Ya done fucked him every other way, why not THAT way?. That's fair. That's EQUAL. You want HIS money, you give up something that means almost as much as money to you. (Matter of fact, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of women think that that's what their crotch is all about, anyway. It's their 'insurance'. Their bankroll.)
I get so angry, ashamed of being a female and so SICK of men automatically being the villians and 'poor widdle women' (GAAAG!) being the victims. That IS NOT always the case. Women didn't like it when they were in the position that men now find themselves in. They were able to change it. How come men can't? Why are they seen as cheap bastards when they want to keep what they've worked for? Women want to keep what they MARRIED for, after all.
For the record, I married two guys that I was damn-near best friends with. Both times, it ended in amicable divorce. There was no fighting, kicking, screaming, eye-or wallet-gouging going on. Me and BOTH of my ex-husbands are still good friends. Also, both of my exes have been divorced multiple times, so it wasn't just me. I didn't ask for anything at the end because their friendship meant, and still does mean more to me than any amount of money. (As a matter of fact, the second ex is currently staying with Eric and I until he gets his feet firmly planted under him and is in a SECURE position to get his shit together and his kid back. And, it's because of employment issues and CHILD SUPPORT that he's in the mess he's in-not because we got divorced.) And, when it comes time to get Eric out from under the bloodless cunt he fell VICTIM to, I want a female lawyer for him, because I KNOW how underhanded, sneaky and conniving women can be. Which is what ya HAVE to be to come out anywhere near EQUAL in divorce court these days.
Women do not HAVE to be this way. I know. I'm a female and I'M not that way...so it's not genetic or hardwired. It's their CHOICE to be that way. And, they usually do choose that because the courts are now set up to make it absolutely possible and because it's just plain easier for them to do that than to be real, to be honest, to walk tall and get their own lives under control or to deal with the consequences of their dishonesty when it comes back to bite their asses.
And, yes-men can be buttholes too. But, I can see why they feel it's necessary, though.
I've always felt that the men who like to hit, abuse, and use should only be able to hook up with the bloodless cunts, by the way. They all deserve each other, after all. But, they won't do that. They'd have to struggle with an equally hardassed, underhanded shitheel rather than the easy marks (read-"good hearted and honest people") they do choose.
Oh, Gawd...I did it again. I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm VERY passionate when it comes to men's rights. I feel it more strongly that I do anything else, except the love I have for Eric. Men are being screwed, every day, in record numbers, by women who do not deserve to be able to screw them. If it only happened to the true assholes, it would be different. But, it's men like Eric, Rob, my Dad and countless other GOOD men it is happening to and that just is NOT right. And, it's my opinion that if women were so wonderfully FAIR and EQUAL and all that horseshit, they'd make damn sure this kind of shit didn't happen. Women, it turns out, are just as bad- if not WORSE- than the people they cry and scream for protection from.
And, anything I can do to put an end to this unfair, psyche-destroying, poverty creating, bullshit double standard, I'll do.
See what being treated like shit for years by women (like I have been) will do to a person?
Just think about it....
You. Must. Do. Whatever. It. Takes. To. Put. BC. Behind. You.
Rotten Fucking Deal, but so's cancer and you're coping with that.
If she can continue to make you bitter, she wins. As one who's been screwed over, more than once, and raised both my daughters with no child support, I can assure you that not all women are bad, any more than all men are bad.
If you let her eat you up she wins. If you move on (and I know how hard that is) and make her mean nothing, that will be the ultimate crushing blow to a woman who obviously has to be important whether for bad or good reasons. She is fucking with you because she wants to matter. Don't let her matter!!
I want to revise my statement a bit.
The part where I mention your not 100% satisfied, a) how the heck do I know how much your satisfied with life?
b) who in thier right mind would be satisfied a hundred percent, we have to *yearn* for something to want to get out of bed, yes?
Also in context of who I imagine when I picture you , I see a man whos very self assured, smart , funny and interesting...
I guess If I were you I'd be pretty satisfied. :)
Being a guy who's been royally screwed by the divorce system, I almost feel like a traitor saying this, but here goes.
Nobody in his/her right mind would sign a contract "not to change". My first marriage lasted seventeen years and by the end of it neither of us resembled the twenty year-old who'd tied the knot and that was WITHOUT kids.
Change is just part of life. If you go from twenty to forty without changing, there's something seriously wrong with you.
That of course does not excuse anyone from being an asshole like my ex-wife.
My brain hurts after reading most of this.
I hope you're doing better, Acidman. Keep on Rocking. (Weird, Van Halen just came on the radio...)
You know my story, Rob. But I do agree with Stevie's rant above on how women behave. An extra problem from the female game-players (who, I admit, are the majority) is this: many men expect all women to behave this way and view women who are real, unmanipulative and rational as suspect, even less than feminine. They will often step over a good lady to get to the bitch (and, yes, I know, women do this too).
Example: one of my own ex's complaints against me was that, during an argument, I was too calm and rational. For him, it was exhibit A that I didn't love him.
I supposed that if I had burst into tears or tossed an ashtray at him or called him the asshat that he was every now and then, we'd still be married.
A buddy of mine started a blog a few years ago to work out his depression about his divorce.
Y'all might like it.
The cliche of the ages is that women are vain. Modern feminists often assert women's moral superiority to men, said superiority presumably being a committment to altruistic philosophy, the professor of said philosophy usually being the prime material beneficiary of said altruism.
Bottom line, contemporary feminism is the modern expression of female vanity.
I have plenty of criticism for men, too, but a glut in that commodity has accrued in my lifetime. It has lost its value for the time being.
Da Goddess sent me.....by likening you to "Rancid." I'm glad I came to visit.
Joel's comment about change is SO true! I've been divorced, and have married again. I really miss the guy I married this time around. He was cool....a delight to be with, but now he's mostly gone, doing his own thing.
Joel is right. All of us change. We need to face that change and go forward whether our spouses make the journey with us, or not. Frankly, I hope that I find the strength of personality to be happy on my own, and not depend on another person to make my days glorious. I'll wish that for you, too.
I hope you're feeling better.