June 29, 2003

i don't know why

Why does this woman put up with me? I've been mean to her, insulted her and pretty well told her to kiss my ass when I was drunk and depressed.

She told me to kiss HER ass, too, but she never stopped visiting my blog. She leaves cogent comments and I think I love her. I sometimes hurt the ones I love. Ask my mama about that.

My son loves me, too, but I wonder about what kind of daddy I am. Will he ever admire me the way I did MY father? I don't know. I don't know that I deserve that sort of admiration, either.

Young Jack showed up this morning and I fed both boys a hearty breakfast. The turds ate bacon, eggs and the last of my two-for-the-price-of-one cinnamin rolls I bought at Food Lion with my MVP card last Thursday. They're gut-full and playing Playstation II games now and they've found a chainsaw as one of their weapons. Severed limbs and blood are flying everywhere.

Boys like that shit.

"YOU KILLED HIM! NOW CUT HIS HEAD OFF!" I don't see a damned thing wrong with that. I was a boy once myself and I WISH that I had the opportunity to do what Quinton and Jack do today. Of course, my cousin Ernie and I spent a lot of time on the banks of the Cumberland River with a single-shot .22 rifle as our playstation. We shot whatever we could find to shoot.

Boys like that shit.

It's a Sunday. I'm getting all existential and depressed. I'm not a boy anymore. But I have two young men here who ARE boys.

I miss what I see happening around me.