Gut Rumbles
 

January 30, 2003

Columbus was a racist, genocidal dead white European male

I had enough history credits in college to go to school one extra quarter and have a double-major. But I was happy with the degree in English literature, and it has served me well all my life by allowing me read the instructions on ATM machines so that I can extract the money I make today, manufacturing chemicals.

History was pretty much the examination of what happened in the past when I studied it. Yeah, I had to do that boring stuff, such as memorizing names, dates and facts (Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock before 1492, and Cyrus McCormack invented the "Grim Reaper," which hasn't worked since Laurence Simon started his Dead Pool, and Beethoven wrote loud music because he was deaf.) I got tested on this stuff and I did okay back then.

It doesn't work that way anymore.

For the second semester in a row, high school students got a break on how their final history exams were scored because school officials worried that too many would fail the standardized tests. The new American and world history exams, which were given in December, are uniform throughout the Palm Beach County School District. There is a 100-question exam for each of the two history courses required of Palm Beach County students -- world history and American history -- and that test was supposed to count for 20 percent of a student's semester grade.

Bejus! These are the ignorant, asswitted spawn of parents who can't figure out a punch-card ballot in a Presidential election! You expect their one-brain-celled offspring to comprehend HISTORY? SHIT! They can't understand the concept of consciousness.

But after school officials did an informal survey of last month's results, they decided to use a different calculation that worked to the student's benefit. Report cards reflected the better of two grades: either the final exam grade or the average of the first two quarterly grades.

"We had to come up with a solution that didn't hurt the kids," said Patricia Mandigo, director of secondary education. "We needed to be able to give the kids a break while trying to create a valid test."

BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! The kids all failed and you went scrambling to cover your asses. That "different calculation" is going to amount to WRONG ANSWER=RIGHT ANSWER when you're finished, am I correct? Who gives a flying dingbat whether the kids learn history or not? Give 'em good grades, keep your job, and Bejus stays in heaven and all is right with the world.

The school district decided to use uniform history final exams more than a year ago to ensure that all students in the district were learning about state-required subjects such as African and African-American history, the Holocaust and women pioneers.

I want EVERYONE WHO READS THIS BLOG to study that last quote carefully. Think about history, then think about "state-required subjects such as African and African-American history, the Holocaust and women pioneers." Does anybody really give a shit if students flunk this kind of goddam politically-correct indoctrination that tries to pass as history in school today? I don't.

I would rather my son, Quinton, learn NOTHING AT ALL in public school than have his head crammed full of shit. He doesn't need to "learn" about some mythical King Mooga-Booga who invented a flying saucer in Africa in 500 BC, according to Swahili legend. He needs to learn history to understand how the world works, because it's ALWAYS worked the same way. I've read his "Social Studies" books and they make me want to talk to Ralph and Huey around the porcelain throne.

Then last spring, the test made national news in its first use -- when administrators decided to use a curve that would give students an A for answering just 54 of the 100 questions correctly.

Teachers subsequently met in committees to rewrite the test, which originally had been written by administrators. The new exams, administered in December, were then graded on a regular 100-point scale where 90 to 100 equals an A.

But the students apparently didn't do much better.

"The scores were very low," said Brian Killeen, program planner for student progression and academic improvement. "There were more F's and D's then C's, B's and A's."

Yes, President Bush! Give these people MORE MONEY to educate our children! If we're spending $8,000 dollars per student and the little shits can't find the USA on a map, spend $10,000 per student and the same teachers who didn't show them doodly-squat for $8,000 will do a LOT better. Gag me.

Florida's Sunshine State standards do outline what students should know at each grade level, including history, but the standards are broad, and two teachers could conceivably teach the same course with a focus on different areas. When teachers made up their own tests, they could put emphasis on the areas they focused on. With a standardized test, they have to cover everything.

Kathy Dodgen, an American history teacher at Royal Palm Beach High School, said she found herself teaching nothing in-depth last semester so she could make sure she covered everything on the test. For example, this year she taught the Louisiana Purchase, the Lewis and Clark expedition and the California gold rush all at once during a two-week period.

"This is the fastest pace we've ever done," Dodgen said.

Well slap my ass and call me Fanny! IMAGINE rocketing through the Louisiania Purchase, the Lewis and Clark expedition and the California Gold rush in a mere two weeks! Hell, you need THREE WEEKS just to talk about Sacajaweia today, to make sure you cover all the reasons why we have a goddam silver dollar with her name and face on it, even though nobody has a clue what she looked like. She was a liberated woman, one of the first true feminists, and a Native American besides. Lewis and Clark, white male European swine that they were, probably would have died if she hadn't rescued them by showing them how to be one with nature and spare the environment.

Bullshit. She was probably a camp-whore instead of a guide. She probably Clarked every Lewis she could get her hands on or legs wrapped around for the entire trip.

I am sick of this shit. You want all of that fast-paced history in a nutshell? Napolean needed money for his War To Conquer Europe. He had some allegedly French land in the New World that he didn't give a shit about and he offered to sell it to President Thomas Jefferson in 1803. We bought it, lock, stock and barrel for $15 million. Napolean took his money and went to Waterloo. Jefferson hired Lewis and Clark to see just what we bought.

They wandered that vast land for two years and were extremely lucky to survive. But they came back with detailed journal entries, maps, plant samples, drawings and all sorts of other neat crap, plus GREAT drinking stories to tell. We bought a LOT of land out west. The concept of Manifest Destiny came shortly thereafter.

As far as the gold rush goes, I would teach that it started at Sutter's Mill in 1848, and people loaded onto anything that would roll to get out there and become wealthy. The gold was gone before most of them ever arrived, but they stayed anyway, absorbed some Okies in the 1930's and eventually mutated into the certified nut-bowl of America.

Any questions?

Comments

The librarian where I worked rejected my suggestion
that she purchase us a copy of _Our Black Foremothers_
as beyond the pale even for her. I think she felt
I was getting at her.

You could bring up history scores by bringing up
history interest with something like Will Cuppy's
_The Decline and Fall of Practically Everybody_.

Man, somebody should do a Black edition of that!
What a hoot that would be.

Posted by: Ron Hardin on January 30, 2003 07:20 PM

OH MAN I gotta move to ..........um where was that? Oh yeah Florida!!!! I got History midterms coming up in three weeks. I better move quick!! LOL I want to know how come I have to know this stuff, but poor widdo boys and girls in florida don't have to be able to spit it out. Oh yeah, I pay a fortune for my education, so I'm supposed to learn it, I forgot.

Posted by: Zander on January 30, 2003 07:45 PM

Holy hysterical, A-man, I laughed so hard and loud at that, I woke up my daughter.

Posted by: Retz on January 30, 2003 08:02 PM

As an historian, I laughed my ass off. I particularly love the last succinct paragraph.

Posted by: Jane on January 30, 2003 08:21 PM

What Jane said! Thanks for Permalink - I can email to my friends.

Posted by: Indigo on January 30, 2003 09:07 PM

Apparently, children's heads are being crammed full of this shit all across the country.

Did you see this in the Contra Costa Times (http://www.bayarea.com/mld/cctimes/news/local/4839227.htm)?

"he school may also have escaped notice because it is small and new, having opened in September, but "Oakland has never been a district to shy away from having controversial issues discussed," said assistant superintendent Lewis Cohen.

On a recent school day, Sarah Fuchs' English and social studies class talked about patriarchy and sexism, and discussed an essay assignment on how colonialism affected Africa.

It was part of a lesson plan covering "systems of oppression" including capitalism and white supremacy. Another section of the plan called for discussing "tools for liberation."

Biology teacher Omar Hunter taught his class about the periodic table, then gave them an assignment: Write a ransom letter to President Bush. Students were to pretend they were holding an element for ransom, listing its physical and chemical properties and why it is crucial, along with their demands, he said."

Great. Let's teach the kids how to rap and write ransom notes! And yeah, you have all been oppressed by THE ANGRY CAPITALIST WHITE MAN!

They take money out of my fucking paycheck every two-weeks for this shit!

Posted by: Rick Stinson on January 30, 2003 10:01 PM

Jeez, they had to "fly" through all that in 2 weeks. What, is the teacher reading the book to the kids word by word?

Posted by: bogie on January 31, 2003 06:37 AM

Acidman, thanks for the refresher course for a class I spent too much time passing notes and drawing pictures in!

Posted by: dragonfly jenny on January 31, 2003 09:34 AM

This is your finest hour, A-Man. I lack 2 credits from history masters. (passed comprehensive exam <

I moved from CA to FL in '80. 2 kids in school. The difference was startling. Form over substance ruled even way back then. I'm not saying CA was good. I'm saying FL was miserable.

"....a solution that didn't hurt the kids," Don't they realize they're hurting the kids by fraudulently making them think they know history? or English, or math, or_______

WOW! KUDOS! BRAVO! OLE!(2 ears and a tail) ENCORE!

Posted by: Larry on January 31, 2003 11:04 AM

Aaaarrrrgggggghhhh. I thought your preview was FU....Wrong! Left out 1/2 of my co-rant above. Oh well. As Jesus said to the Mexicans, "don't do nuthin til I get back" (Kinky Friedman)

Posted by: Larry on January 31, 2003 11:08 AM

It was good, too. LMAO

Posted by: Larry on January 31, 2003 11:10 AM

My company makes those standardized tests for Texas and I think for FL too. The tests are fine, but yes, it's stunning to find that 24 out of 60 can be a passing standard. It's a fascinating process the test questions go thru to be allowed to be on a test. But what the hell is the point of a good test when the grades on it don't mean shit?? It's all just a waste of tax payer money!!

Posted by: Beth on January 31, 2003 11:27 AM

Larry, Kinky Friedman rocks!

Posted by: Jane on January 31, 2003 04:32 PM

Gotta confess, I once got a B on an astronautics mid-term with 27%. But that mother was hard!

Posted by: Larry on January 31, 2003 06:43 PM

I agree, Jane. Funny dude, too. Used to guest on Politically Incorrect.

Filling in some of what didn't come through on my initial post: A+ rant; A+ summary of 3, count em 3, different history subjects; A+ current state of K-12 education summary. The rest of what didn't come through.........probly just as well. heh heh

Posted by: Larry on January 31, 2003 06:52 PM

I live in one of those backward states where new fangled modern methods of teaching haven't caught on. What a shame that we poor mountain folk are so ignorant we actually have our young'uns read real history books instead of watching the history channel. Damn it! When are are we gonna catch up with the rest of America?

Posted by: joy on February 1, 2003 07:26 AM

Don't be so hard on the Bird Woman. She was actually preggers for a lot of the journey, and according to Lewis and Clark she did yeoman work in helping them. She'd probably want to come back from the dead and clobber these politically correct jackanapes for encouraging female victimization and whining and befouling her good name in the process.

Posted by: Ernest Brown on February 2, 2003 02:13 AM

Hi...Im just surfed in and want to say hello!
Regards George


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