Gut Rumbles

February 28, 2012

trust me

Originally published October 13, 2003

As a genuine pervert and a person who enjoys adventurous sex, I don't want to hear any more "uuugggghhhs!" about mentholated cough drops. If you've never tried them, you're missing the Midnight Train. Let me tell you how this works.

For MEN: Put a Hall's Cough Drop in your mouth and work it around really good until you feel mentholated coldness on your tongue when you draw in a breath. Then, go down on your woman. Keep the cough drop in your mouth, but use a lot of breath and tongue as your mentholated saliva annoints her nether regions. She'll curl her toes and cum like a mink in heat.

For WIMMEN: Put a Hall's Cough Drop in your mouth, work it around really good, then go down on your man with the cough drop tucked away in your cheek. Be sure to use lots of breath. That REALLY accentuates the menthol. When you see his toes curl and he starts to scream for Bejus, you can either quit or get ready to swallow. That's up to you.

That is an Acidman Handy Hint For Mentholated Sex. If you've never tried a Hall's Job, you should. If you think the entire idea of mentholated oral sex is disgusting, what the hell are you doing reading this blog? I'm giving good advice here.

I don't claim to be rated "G."

February 21, 2012

a nightmare

Originally published October 12, 2003

Jack fell out early, so Quinton and I watched the Georgia Bulldogs slaughter the Tennessee Volunteers last night. We sat on the floor and ate popcorn while making "woof! woof! woof!" noises and giving each other high-fives every time Georgia made a great play. Yes, I have taught my boy to bark like a DAWG!

I don't think Quinton had seen Georgia play before last night, but he is a huge fan of David Pollack now. Number 47 is his hero. That's a good thing.

Quinton told me a lot of tall stories and outright lies about how good HE is at football, until I mentioned that I have watched him play every game he's had this year. He just explained the facts away by saying he's gotten a lot better since that 28-0 game I watched last Tuesday. I'll accept his story. The boy just wants me to be proud of him. He's got nothing to worry about in that department. I AM proud of him, whether he plays football or not.

Bejus, but I miss him when he's gone. He is smart, he is good-looking and he is all boy. I love him so much that it makes my chest ache.

Yesterday, all the neighborhood kids came over to bug me. I was elected to play MATH GAMES with the little shits. Here's how THAT works. Take a line of seven children, all about the same age, and ask them "what is five plus three times nine?"

Quinton was first with the right answer almost every time. The boy is sharp.

He was still wired at midnight last night and I had to make him lay down and go to sleep. He always sleeps on the couch when he stays at the Crackerbox. I believe that he thinks his bedroom is haunted.

We went to Wal-Mart yesterday. I bought some essentials and a 25-inch Sanyo TV just because it was on sale for $149. I now have TWO televisions in my tiny living room. One is hooked up to the satellite dish and the other is hooked up to an antenna. I can multi-task now, which is a GOOD thing during football season.

I dreamed last night that I went to Caruso's in Dalonega on November First and nobody showed up for the blog-meet. It ended up with just me and Recondo 32 sitting there drinking beer. I did most of the drinking and he said, "See? I TOLD YOU nobody likes your Cracker ass."

I hope the blog-meet doesn't go the way it did in my dream.

February 14, 2012

itty bitty titties

Originally published October 11, 2003

I don't understand why wimmen worry so much about their tits.

I went almost two years with a broke dick. Now THAT will fuck you up. I would have been happy with a LITTLE dick during those months of limpness. Hell, I stuck a hypodermic needle in my member to jump-start him during those days. I had a "fix-a-flat" kit.

If someone marketed an "inflate my titties kit," would wimmen buy it? I shot my dick with elixer because that's the only way I could get it to work. Would wimmen do it just from vanity? ("I really want to impress this guy tonight. I'm going to take a couple of tit-shots before he picks me up for our date.")

I don't care about how other men feel about this delicate and most lucious topic, but I am not a big-tit guy. I prefer wimmen with just a handfull. I like .45 caliber nipples, but I'm not crazy about huge knockers. As a matter of fact, I have known a couple of wimmen with almost NO KNOCKERS who were blessed with EXCELLENT NIPPLES, and I found them to be quite delightful in bed. Big tits just get in the way sometimes when you want to roll around and try different positions.

I like a nice, round ass on a woman. I like pretty red toenails on pretty, feminine feet. I like to drink wine out of a woman's belly-button. I like to perform oral sex on a woman. I like to give nekkid massages. I like playing with finger-paint, whipped cream and mentholated cough drops.

I don't care that much about big titties.

February 07, 2012

sheer ignorance

Originally published October 11, 2003

Just go read the comments on this post about that terrible Booger-Man, "acid rain." Bejus! The most self-righteous people in the world are the blithering idiots among us.

I live a place with a lot of "black water" creeks running through the woods. Whadda you think makes that water black? It's TANNIC ACID formed by all the leaves that fall from trees and decay in the slow-moving creek. That "polluted" water has a low pH but still makes for some fine bass and bream fishing. Power plants didn't put acid in the water. Mother nature did.

Why do you suppose the Smokey Mountains were called "smokey" long before power plants were built in this country? Why are the Blue Ridge Mountains named for the haze that hangs over them most of the time?


What really chaps my ass now is the fact that the same people who claim to be "protecting" the environment make it too expensive and too time-consuming to build clean power plants today. The idea of nuke plants sends environmentalists into apoplexy and they oppose construction of new gas or coal-fired plants with clean-burn technology; therefore, the old, dirty ones keep operating.

Want to bitch about acid rain? Look in the mirror you environmentalist assholes.