Gut Rumbles
 

August 21, 2011

recheck that sample

Originally published September 24, 2003

I got word from the company nurse-practicioner yesterday to comfirm that I set a record on my blood test during my physical. I have the highest level of "good" cholesterol that she's ever seen in the plant after more than 10 years of doing medical exams. She asked me what I ate to achieve that level, which gave me a 72% "survivor factor" for NOT having a heart attack, ever. (anything over 28% is considered to be "excellent" at my age.)

I told her that I ate anything that would fit in a microwave anymore and that she really should have the lab recheck those results. She insisted that the results were correct because the stuff they ran in their OWN tests ran neck-and-neck with the lab results.

My liver enzymes are low. ("You don't drink anymore, do you?") BWHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! My blood sugar is low. ("Do you ever feel dizzy?" Only when I drink too much) My kidney function appears to be excellent. My potassium, calcium and other earthly elements tested extremely high. "What kind of vitamins do you take Rob? I want some of THOSE!"

When I replied wine, cigarettes and vodka, she didn't like that answer.

But I really don't take vitamins, I drink to excess and I eat trash food. I also come from a damned good gene pool, which makes me more hearty than the average bear. THAT'S where those lab results come from.

Let the pissers and whiners who DESERVE to die worry about "toxins" everywhere. I can EAT "toxins" and they don't bother me. Maybe that's a clue that that those who can't handle second-hand smoke, can't tolerate pesticides on their produce and despise the idea of a civilized world should just go die and let people such as I am, able to COPE instead of CROAK, take over the world.

We really don't want genetic weakness spawing a new generation. KILL THE WHINERS!!! Marry a redneck, bear a strong child, and save the world!

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