Gut Rumbles
 

August 14, 2010

Love PSA

Originally published October 4, 2002


This was supposed to be a LOVE TEST, but I didn't like any of the multiple-choice answers. So, as a public service to those who expect this kind of shit out of me, I'm going to post the actual questions with MY answers.

1. The end of the world is coming, if you can save only one kind of animal, which one will you pick?

A good dog. A dog really is "man's best friend," and I've never had a dog bite me as viciously as some women have. I would enjoy the dog as a loyal companion when the world ended. Then, if things got really bad, I could kill it and eat it, in a stew with some wild onions.

2. You go to Africa. When you visit a tribe, they insist you take an animal as a souvenir, which one will you choose?

The chief's most beautiful daughter, of course!

3. You did something wrong. Instead of being a human, God punish you to be an animal, you will choose...

Samonella. That way, I can punish OTHER PEOPLE, too. Just like God, and pretty much in the same way.

4. If you have the power to make one species disappear forever, which one will that be?

Ex-wives.

5. One day, you met an animal which can speak human language, you wish that'll be...

Hillary Clinton. She doesn't speak "human." She just pretends to in front of microphones.

6. On an isolated island, you can only have an animal as your companion, which one you'll choose...

DA GODDESS!!!! Or Britney Spears. Or Nicole Kidman. Or Nina Hartley. Or...

7. If you have the super power to tame all kinds of animal, you'll choose what kind of animal to be your pet?

See the answers to question #6.

8. If you have a 5-minute time to be an animal, which one you would like to be?

Ron Jeremy. But I want a LOT LONGER than five minutes.

Looking back at the questions, I don't think I took a Love Test. Musta got lost wrestling with the corkscrew...I believe that I took an accidental PETA TEST. Boy, are THEY gonna be pissed at me if they ever read this.

I don't know how I got to where I got, when I set out to get where I was going. That's the story of my life.

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