Gut Rumbles
 

November 18, 2009

Mushroom hunting

Originally published August 22, 2004

Yeah, I DID IT. I was young and dumb, full of cum, and I liked the way those things made me feel. They grow in cow pastures during the Southern summer and they spring up right out of cow turds after a good rain. You can recognize them by the purple band around the stem and the fact that they BRUISE purple if you squeeze the mushroom crest.

I've picked a 30-gallon garbage bag full of those things before.

We'd take 'em home (we were all crazy college students at the time. We didn't know which end was up.) and make a big pot of tea. Just wash the shit off the mushrooms, tie 'em up in a piece of pantyhose (If you are in college now and DON'T have any pantyhose around your room, you ain't enjoying college the way you should.) and boil it like you would a tea-bag.

Now comes the hard part. Remove mushrooms. Guess how potent the tea is. Cut it with sugar and Kool-Ade. Make several pitchers. Then... get a person that you KNOW is a complete dumbass stoner to try it first. You can watch him for 30 minutes and calculate how much of that crap YOU want to drink.

I haven't searched for mushrooms in more than 30 years now. I've helped farmers hang fence and I've toured many a cow pasture. I wasn't LOOKING for them at the time, but I believe that I could still spot one if I saw it. I simply have not seen a legitimate hallucenogenic mushroom growing in a cow pasture for a long, long time.

Did the EPA get rid of them? Did the War On Drugs eliminate them? Where did they go?

Wherever it was, a part of my youth went with them.

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