Gut Rumbles
 

September 24, 2008

do not do this at home

Originally PUBLISHED May 14, 2006

I crawled into my hot tub this morning. The water felt good, so I turned the jets on high and slipped off my bathing suit, the better to feel the water blowing on my bare balls.

I fell asleep in the tub and woke up almost TWO HOURS later. Bejus! I was a prune and wrung-out like a dirty dish-rag. I had great difficulty climbing out of the tub. My dick resembled a stack of dimes forty-cents tall. My knees wouldn't stay together, like a $10 whore on a busy Saturday night.

I was so discombobulated that I forgot about being nekkid until I heard my neighbor call, "Hey, Rob! Put some fucking britches on!" He was riding his lawn mower and probably worried that I was attempting to seduce his wimmen.

I gave him a one-finger salute and staggered inside my house. My bathing suit is still out there on the side of the hot tub, which remains uncovered because I don't have the strength to lift and place the lid right now. My nutsack is hanging so low that I think I stepped on it once on my way inside.

If my fantasy-fuck, Nichole Kidman, threw herself nekkid into my arms right now, I'd have to ask for a rain-check. Put some "be back" powder on that wet pussy, baby! I can't handle it right now. That's a horrible thing to admit, but at least my shoulders don't hurt anymore.

I'm just fortunate that I didn't drown.

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