Gut Rumbles
 

June 07, 2008

Mind-things

Originally published November 3, 2003

I have really cosmic dreams that I recall vividly as soon as I wake up, but I forget them quickly thereafter. I once kept a notebook and pen by the bed so that I could write down some of the crap I dreamed. I quit doing that after a while because dreams make PERFECT SENSE when you're asleep, but they are pure gibberish when you are awake and sober.

After reading a few entries saying nothing but "ATTACK OF THE PISS-MONSTERS!" or "NEKKID HIGH SCHOOL REUNION!" I gave up that journal.

I don't trust my mind. It keeps working when I am asleep and that sumbitch scares me. My mind becomes BORED when I am asleep and it does things just to fuck with me. I know what I would do if I were my mind and I went to sleep on myself. I would fuck with me, too.

I truly believe that my mind is not like the ones most other people carry around. I go to Wal-Mart and just study people sometimes. I see big, fat wimmen in orange stretch-pants and my mind goes "BWHAHAHAHAHAAA!!" I would never do that, because I am a sensitive kinda guy.

But I KNOW why my mind does that. If I were a woman with an ass that needed a Wide Load DOT banner on the back, I wouldn't go to Wal-Mart and I damn sure wouldn't wear orange stretch-pants so that my ass resembled some kind of bloated, lumpy, oversized citrus fruit. Goddam! I would lose 100 pounds. Whatever happened to self-respect in this country? Look in the fucking mirror, you rolling tub of adipose! You think you look good? FINE!

Just don't let my mind see you. My mind conjures fat-jokes and stories about Monroe load-leveler shock-absorbers for the family car. My mind conjures images of Eddie Murphy as the Absent Minded Professor when they inflated him with helium or some other greenhouse gas to blow him up like a balloon.

My mind does not like Stupid Black Guys who wear baseball caps turned sideways, buy pants two sizes too large and pull boxer drawers up under their armpits while the waist of their pants drags around their knees. I, myself, as a civilized, politically-correct individual, can accept that sort of behavior as normal and even sensible.

But when I go to sleep at night, by mind calls BULLSHIT! on that crap. MY MIND says, "You dumbfuck! Do you think you'll EVER get a goddam job looking like that? You want out of the ghetto? You don't like the terrible, terrible N-word? Then stop acting like a goddam nigger, you fucking thug."

I never think that way myself, because I am indoctrinated to ignore such obvious examples of assholery. You can show me a white piece of paper and I'll call it any color you want it to be. I just want to make people happy. But when I am asleep, my mind does crazy things.

I have to sleep sometimes. I cannot control a mind that operates 24-7 when I don't. I believe that labor unions are a good thing. My mind sometimes says "FUCK LABOR UNIONS BEFORE THEY DESTROY THIS COUNTRY!!!" That happens in my sleep, when I have no control over what my mind is doing.

I believe that Bill Clinton was one of the greatest Presidents of all time. My mind sometimes goes off ranting about blow-jobs from fat interns in the Oval Office and how he never did diddly-shit except destroy the Democrat party and absolutely demean the highest office in the land, but that's just that crazy mind of mine. I don't believe any of what my mind tells me.

I just want to be led down the right path. Where is the "off" button for my mind?

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