Gut Rumbles
 

May 27, 2008

existential thoughts again

Originally PUBLISHED November 15, 2004

I have a serious, heart-felt question to ask, and I want an honest answer. This is for all you Wimmen who read me:

"Do you think you have a fine ass?"

I realize that I just asked a LOADED QUESTION (BWHAHAHAHA!!!) but I'm serious about it. Wimmen and their asses have always intrigued me. I believe that the feminine Butt-Ox is the most sexy part of a woman's body, just because the SHAPE is so different from a man's. Plus, wimmen alway WORRY about their butts, where men never think twice about theirs unless the dookey-chute gets plugged-up, or something. This is a really species-specific question.

I wanna know. Ladies, when you put on a new dress, turn seventeen different ways in the full-length mirror, primp, strut and slut while admiring your own bounty, why do you THEN turn around and ask your husband, "Honey, does this dress make my butt look fat?"

WHAT THE HELL IS HE SUPPOSED TO SAY???

*"Yeah, darlin.' Your butt's blocking the TV and it's fourth and goal from the one. Get out of the way."

*"No, honey. Your butt looks fine."

*"Bejus! You are AWESOME! Come to me! I must have hot, wet passion RIGHT NOW!"

*"Christ! If you were gonna haul ass, you'd have to make TWO TRIPS!"

*"Butt? WHAT butt?"

*"Why do you ask me about your butt every time you put on a new dress? When I married you, I married your butt, too. You know, thick and thin, better or worse, yadda, yadda. Get dressed and let's go."

I ask only one True Confession from you wimmen. If you've got a nice ass and YOU believe it's a nice ass, you FLAUNT IT, don't you? C'mon, don't lie to me. You wear stuff to make your ass look good, you walk to make your ass look good and you LIKE knowing that your ass looks good.

You ALSO like it when men notice your fine ass. I'm not talking about the pawing and slobbering shit that some dorks do to give all men a bad reputation. I mean guys who turn their heads, raise their eyebrows or nod approvingly when you walk into a room. If you've got a fine ass and you dressed to show it off, you EXPECT that kind of appreciation.

THAT IS NOT SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!! That is simple he-ing and she-ing and we would have died out years ago if we didn't do such stuff. Welcome to Human Nature, 101.

I just don't like people pretending that they don't understand the game. Big-titted wimmen wear low-cut, spagetti-strap tops that spill half their breasts out for a suntan and they become "insulted" when some man notices. Is THAT ridiculous, or what?

Suppose men walked around with HALF OF THEIR DICK hanging out of their pants. Would wimmen NOT notice? Would it be really rude and impolite to say, as a female in a group of females, "Holy Bejus! Look at the rack on THAT ONE! DAMN! I'd ride it in the Bedroom Rodeo." I don't think that behavior is crazy. I think it's NORMAL.

Okay, enough diversion. Back to my original question: Do you have a fine ass, or not?

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