May 27, 2008

things I learned from movies

Originally PUBLISHED September 28, 2005

I've been studying and here are the facts:

* All cars blow up in a big fireball when they wreck.

* All wimmen are beautiful and horny for an action hero.

* You should ALWAYS hold a pistol sideways in your hand.

* If you are diving or doing summersaults, you can't be shot.

* If you know kung-fu, you can fly. Why the NBA doesn't recruit those air-ladder climbers is a mystery to me.

* Good guys always get wounded in the left shoulder or the leg.

* Whores have hearts of gold. (Some actually do! But most don't.)

* All action heroes can drive with the skill of a NASCAR racer.

* Bad guys can't shoot for shit. Even with automatic weapons.

* ALL bombs on timers tick down to about two seconds before the action hero figures out which wire to cut to disarm it, and then go fuck the girl.

* Magic guns exist. A six-shot revolver can fire nine times without reloading. I've SEEN that on television, and I want a gun that loads itself. I'd pay good money for that.

* Every Vietnam veteran has a footlocker stored somewhere with grenades, dynamite and some kind of exotic high-powered rifle in there.

* Wimmen who go through the wringer, damn near get killed and have to crawl through a sewer to survive emerge with manicured nails with no dirt under them. Their coif usually doesn't look too bad, either.

Movies---just like a real slice of life.