May 26, 2008

old westerns

Originally PUBLISHED April 11, 2005

Just a few random thoughts after watching The Western Channel today:

* Matt Dillon carries a bone-handled pistol. He always gets off the SECOND SHOT in that famous showdown to start the show. He ain't the fastest draw, but Matt doesn't miss.

*Notice something about the streets in a western movie. Everybody is riding a horse, but you don't see horse-shit anywhere.

* Two guys camp in the desert. There is not a tree or water for miles around. Somehow, they manage to make a campfire and boil a pot of coffee. I call bullshit.

* All frontier whores are beautiful wimmen. Shit.

* Nobody EVER got laid upstairs at the Long Branch Saloon. Shit.

* If you have a horse-trough in a scene, a bullet MUST go in there, and create piss-streams and ripples while the hero is never hit. I learned that if you want to save yourself in a gunfight, either get behind a horse-trough or a wagon wheel. No bullets can hit you then.

* Bad guys aim for your shoulder. That MUST be true, because that's the only place you ever see heroes being shot.

* A six-shooter in the old west reloaded itself. You could get 20 rounds out of that revolver without ever reloading. I saw it happen today.

* Everybody was CLEAN! And WELL-GROOMED!!! ALL THE TIME!!!

* Every town doctor was a grumpy old man, capable of saving lives when nobody else could.

* Gene Autry was bullet-proof.

If you don't believe me, just watch the Western Channel.