May 26, 2008
Originally PUBLISHED April 11, 2005
Just a few random thoughts after watching The Western Channel today:
* Matt Dillon carries a bone-handled pistol. He always gets off the SECOND SHOT in that famous showdown to start the show. He ain't the fastest draw, but Matt doesn't miss.
*Notice something about the streets in a western movie. Everybody is riding a horse, but you don't see horse-shit anywhere.
* Two guys camp in the desert. There is not a tree or water for miles around. Somehow, they manage to make a campfire and boil a pot of coffee. I call bullshit.
* All frontier whores are beautiful wimmen. Shit.
* Nobody EVER got laid upstairs at the Long Branch Saloon. Shit.
* If you have a horse-trough in a scene, a bullet MUST go in there, and create piss-streams and ripples while the hero is never hit. I learned that if you want to save yourself in a gunfight, either get behind a horse-trough or a wagon wheel. No bullets can hit you then.
* Bad guys aim for your shoulder. That MUST be true, because that's the only place you ever see heroes being shot.
* A six-shooter in the old west reloaded itself. You could get 20 rounds out of that revolver without ever reloading. I saw it happen today.
* Everybody was CLEAN! And WELL-GROOMED!!! ALL THE TIME!!!
* Every town doctor was a grumpy old man, capable of saving lives when nobody else could.
* Gene Autry was bullet-proof.
If you don't believe me, just watch the Western Channel.
All content © Rob Smith