Gut Rumbles
 

April 18, 2008

Impressive storms

Originally published August 14, 2003

I've been plagued lately by a manly, studly little asswipe who calls himself "Buster," (which is appropriate because he makes me bust out laughing), who seems obsessed with playing Ah-Nuld in my comments. That guy is the toughest, baddest-assed sumbitch who ever shit between two shoes, and he did it it all BAREFOOT, because he is just that tough.

Buster, I'm reading my crystal ball about you right now. Lemme see... you are no older than 25 and you don't know shit from shinola. You don't do well with the wimmen because YOU SAY they don't understand you, but in reality you crap your pants every time you think about talking to one of them. You've never done doodly-squat in your life. If you have a JOB, asking "would you like fries with that?" is probably an important part or your duties.

You probably still live at home with Mom and Dad. You have a nice computer in your room that your parents bought for you, and mama makes your bed and does the laundry for her little boy, just the way she's always done. Meanwhile, you are Conan the Butthead on the internet when mama isn't watching.

You want some advice from an old fart who's been on his own for a long time? NEVER LEAVE HOME!!! Stay right where you are and let mama wipe your ass every day while you play tough-guy on the internet. That's one hell of a lot easier than getting a job and taking care of yourself. You might actually have to BE tough instead of TALKING tough in the real world. You ain't ready for that.

Buster, I'm just giving you good advice. Now shut the fuck up and listen to me.

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