Gut Rumbles
 

March 08, 2008

Putt putt

Originally published April 20, 2003

Two years ago, I won a putting contest. I was playing in a charity golf tournament and I threw five dollars in the pot but never intended to actually participate in the putting contest. I putt like shit anymore. I once was a good golfer, and from tee to green, I'm better than I ever was. But I can't putt worth a damn.

That day, my partners insisted that I try, so I did. You had three putts on a severe sidehill lie to a hole 60' away. I hit the first one and it felt good. I watched it take the break, roll down the hill and duck into the hole like a homesick gopher. I said, "I don't believe that I'll need the other two. Can't get any closer than that."

One other guy aced the hole and it was Jerry Wesse, the same guy I beat in the company golf tournament. We had a playoff.

Jerry putted first and ran his right by the hole but about three feet long. All I had to do was get inside of him. I putted high up the hill and heard people groan when they saw my putt. But I was dancing, waving my Ping Asner in the air. "Watch it! Watch it!" I said, as the sumbitch died on the hill, rolled down the slope and ended up six inches from the hole.

I won a case of toilet paper, two free rounds of golf and a custom-made putter.

The toilet paper was used. I played ONE of the free rounds of golf. But I've never used that custom-made putter. WHY IN THE HELL do you give a fucking PUTTER to a guy who wins a putting contest? HE ALREADY HAS A GOOD PUTTER!! That's like giving a driver to the guy who wins the Longest Drive contest. HE DOESN'T NEED ANOTHER FUCKING DRIVER!!! He won with the one he's got already.

Bejus! Give ME the driver and the long-drive guy the putter. That makes one hell of a lot more sense to ME.

But that's just MY humble opinion. I could be wrong.

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